"wait lol, I'm not a bodhisattva, I just have anhedonia and a major depressive episode"

Feeling real despondent about the realization that all the people who really matter deeply to me personally are all way more important to me than I am to them

I'm a background character in my own life and my focus is almost always primarily on pleasing other people or helping them and there's an abandonment anxiety issue there where I feel compelled to be showing my value or openness or kindness to valued people because I'm subconsciously always quietly terrified they'll abruptly move on from me and leave me heartbroken

I worry so much about losing people and needing all that reassurance and close attention and affection from people I get close to can end up contributing to accidentally pushing them away or they stay in touch but I made it a little weird without meaning to and now things aren't the same anymore

Learning about "limerance" lately kinda fucked me up

I recently felt like I fell in love at first sight with this amazing gorgeous sweet kind funny talented creative artist I met at a convention and thought we had kinda hit it off

I was really smitten but was trying to Be Normal and I thought things were really going good, we exchanged compliments, had a cutesy "here take my coat" thing, exchanged contact stuff then left feeling excited about staying in touch and making plans together soon

We messaged and I thought it was leading to a date or at least being on good terms and staying friends

Then... nothing. I don't know what I did wrong. Just stopped replying to me. No indication that was coming from how good the tone and replies were before that. I was fucking crushed.

I had built this up in my head as the best most amazing thing ever to happen to me, this might be the love of your life, everything about this is so perfect and you compliment each other so well, you'd look so amazing together, can't wait to get to introduce you to my friends and my family, etc. was totally head over heels.

And it was all a mirage I guess, and now I just have to limp away alone again having basically managed to use my own dumb ass to break my own heart

I'm trying to distract myself, do therapy shit I've learned, talk to people I trust to confide in to about it, take care of myself and everything but it just won't stop hurting and I'm not sure this pain is going to go away

Learning about the concept of limerance and that this might just be an innate way my traumatized and unwell brain just has a fundamental flaw in attachment style and emotional regulation and I'm doomed to keep setting myself up for heartache like this just makes me feel like I'm fucked

I'm a weird broke spectrumy big queer commie enby, I'm not exactly swimming in amazing dating opportunities

Losing someone I really thought I had fallen in love with that fast and not knowing why after things had seemed really good is fucking killing me now ever since

I can't stop thinking about it and I hate that how much this meant to me is probably completely unknown for them and it'd be weird and unfair for me to expect they'd really care. After all, who the hell am I? Some weird stranger who flirted once. Somebody you have a nice little meet cute with then move on from and forget.

I'm so starved for affection and any kind of romance and intimacy, emotional or physical

It's been like half a decade since I've had anything close

I think maybe I'm just too weird and fucked up and damaged goods to be loveable or anything besides an acquaintance or sidekick

If that's the case, I don't know how long I'll be able to find enough elsewhere in my life that feels like enough to keep trying

Cats? That's about it tbh

Sorry for the depressing venting

got Too High™️ and got all weirded out about myself thinking about sexuality stuff and conflicted about a couple kink related things that I feel weird about liking but also thinking they're problematic

Feeling real weird about bodies and sex and gender and socialization in general

Dunno if it'd be a good idea to elaborate more if more explicit details might be weird or inappropriate