Go out in garden for a break with my coffee and vape

Two bugs land on my lap and start fuckin'

That's good luck, right

sad and cranky today

I know it's just a bunch of accumulated stress but I get to the point where I'm irritable enough at little bullshit that I get irritated at how irritable I am

Idk I need a spa day or something but that's not in the cards

You know what is? Doing a ton of laundry and cleaning. Yippee

Idk your pronouns are pretty neato to me =)

Aww, thanks!

I kinda like ze/hir but never used them irl and pretty much just go by they/them with IRL ppl and usually don't bother correcting strangers, might work on that but idk, I kinda just hate the hassle most of the time more than the occasional misgendering bugs me but ehhh

I dunno, what do you want to be?

Ain't that the million dollar question lol

This feels silly to think and I shy away from really articulating this sometimes because I feel like it might come across as insensitive to binary trans ppl but uh

_{I kinda really wish I was an AFAB enby?}

Like, I'm getting better about my self image and less uncomfortable with things I can't change and focusing on improving the things I can, but height/frame and junk bug me and bottom surgery seems really scary to me and is financially something that's miles and miles away for me if I ever wanted it and ehhhh, idk how I feel about it

One of the things that sticks in my head thinking about my appearance and bums me out sometimes is often thinking "I wish other people could describe me as 'elegant' and that doesn't really seem attainable in a way I'd be happy with given the hand I've been dealt"

I like feeling strong, but I just feel... clunky? Or "the wrong kind of androgynous for what I want?" I dunno, it's kinda hard to pin down sometimes but I frequently feel "off" like my sense of self has a hole in its sock or something

I mean, I'm not insinuating that those are like, Gender™️ genders, but the way orientation interacts with gender is kinda fascinating to me? Like, is "man (straight)" a different gender than "man (gay)"? Is "woman (straight)" different than "woman (lesbian)"? Or like "man (masculine)" vs "guy", or "lesbian (femme)" vs "lesbian (butch)" or stone butch as its own gender identity? Idk, it's fascinating to me. (also people who self ID as "fem boy" but not as a trans femme? No shade to anyone, I just find it all interesting and confusing at times as someone that often feels like they (ze? see even cementing that mentally feels odd for me) are only ever at best approximating my own sense of self by relation to noticing how other people relate to each other and working it out for myself by process of elimination of what doesn't fit for me.

something something gender? I 'ardly knew 'er, nyuck nyuck nyuck

You're not being "a pithy asshole" about it at all lol, thank you for the reply.

I dunno. Part of the hangup towards women is just the discomfort of hypothetically approaching someone I'm attracted to irl and feeling like I have to explain myself. I think I'm only really able to date other queer people and not knowing if someone I'm attracted to is a cishet or not from first impressions can be daunting. Part of it too is like, feeling weird about seeing myself as desirable to someone else? Like "wait, what if I am attractive to someone, but in the wrong way "

I've been gendered as a (kinda fruity) guy before by cis women who seemed interested and it really kinda put cold water on the interaction like immediately for me, like "oh honey you're nice but you've got me all wrong and I don't have the energy to explain things when I can tell you're looking for something/someone else altogether from the start here" if that makes any sense

Maybe weird too, but I have less hangups about that with being flirted at by gay men?? Like sorry to any gay men that might find it offensive, I don't mean anything bad by it, but something about gay flirting even if they're misreading me as a queer guy still feels to me like "well at least they can tell I'm not a straight guy" and like, "being read as queer (bottom)" by a guy is... uh, kinda Gender in an indirect way for me? Like, mentally to me, being misgendered like that isn't as bad as misgendered as a straight guy if that makes any sense? "Guy (straight)" and "guy (queer, being flirted with under a presumed dynamic of being read as a bottom or bottom-y verse by someone that seems like a top)" feel like, distinctly different genders to think of myself as being misread as internally if that makes any sense?

I dunno

This whole thing smacks of Gender, etc

Ymmv but gum maybe? I'm pretty sure you can find some weird Japanese flavors online if you're looking for a more savory flavor instead of the normal fruity or minty stuff.

You can actually do a lot at home for legs pretty easily without any special equipment! Body weight squat variations, lunges, step ups on a sturdy chair or stairs, calf raises on the edge of a step, etc. There are a lot of different levels of bodyweight squat variations of differing difficulty depending on your skill and they're also great for training flexibility and coordination. (I can pistol squat and Cossack squat and am trying to work my way up to dragon squats but those are tricky )

I know a lot of trans femmes are understandably gunshy about upper body workout stuff because they don't want to get "bulky" (I mean, same) but you're really not going to without some intense work and a high volume, especially with bodyweight exercises and calisthenics. There's a whole world of pushup and planche/handstand kinda yoga calisthenics stuff that I've barely ever scratched the surface of. I like the YT channels Summerfunfitness (super impressive at fancy yoga stuff and calisthenics but has plenty of beginner and intermediate guides too) and MovementbyDavid (the "stay flexy!" guy) for those