I don't think I'll ever be a TikTok, or any other algorithm-based social media, type of person. I immediately overthink the whole idea of an algorithm and how what I'm searching will affect what I am recommended.
I just don't like consuming content that way. I think I like searching stuff out, browsing forums, that kind of stuff.
Leave me alone. Let me peruse.
I love standing in a field. Rural settings are great. Let me see for 15 miles in any direction, hell yes
Our minds catastrophise about the worst possible reasons but I find it's usually pretty mundane stuff. If anybody hates my guts for being an annoying yapper they have not made it known :3
Oh totally, and for a long time, "not responding" had a ton of negative baggage for me, like I'm knowingly being ignored or something, which is rarely the case. I try to view it more neutrally, accept that I have the same freedom to respond to others (or not) as anybody.
College Academic Forms: 1
Pleakley: 0
Foiled again by my inability to intuit what academic advisors mean when they say anything. Curses!
I have very much got into the habit of just not making any assumptions or interpretations beyond the very literal. I must be infuriating to talk to but lol
Beyond the core assumption that people don't want to talk to me, I have avoided interpreting to an intense degree, in that if people don't talk to me I assume that means they just don't want to. If I initiate a conversation, and the other person doesn't initiate the next time, I am left in analysis paralysis and we often don't talk again. It's like I want someone to run in and slam the "Executive Function" button for me.
I grew up watching reality TV so sometimes I use my imagination and pretend I'm in a confessional on an island in Panama, or whatever. It's a framing device for me and only me lol
If you find a really weird special interest that you really like, maybe it'll drive you to talk more? :3 The vast majority of my social motivation is talking about weird stuff, Idk.
I have interests that I go nuts for, I just get caught in this assumption that people don't want to hear about it. Because if I talk and nobody responds, I get very caught up in why people didn't respond. I'm fighting years of post-game analysis every time I say something and wonder what people think. I want to understand so I can improve. But the world just at large doesn't care if I specifically understand things, so...
Regrettably, I'm the type of person who as soon as a misunderstanding happens, I quickly start to obsess over the circumstances that created the misunderstanding and seek to change them.
We were playing a trivia game to review for a final in my class and I was confused by one of the rules after I got something wrong. I spent the entire rest of the class focused not on what we were studying, but the rules of the game and why things happened as they did, and can it be prevented?
I must be exhausting lol
There are situations where it's like, if I could even tell clear-cut whether it was my fault, I could deal with it better. I tend to get huge spikes of anxiety when there's no sensory input, socially, like I don't get any feedback...
I relate to this so much, and I find that I have to rely on myself to interpret things. Which is, like, terrifying, because if I misread things I might feel super embarrassed. I'm very much used to relying on someone else's opinions
For me it is also hard because, uh I genuinely annoy people a lot of the time, literally I talk too much. That might sound like an eyerolling anxiety self hate thing, but I talk at extreme lengths to the point people have just quit in the past
Sadly I am pretty much the opposite, I am quiet to the point that I can't engage and others don't know how and neither do I. It's frustrating because I can't hate myself but also, hot damn I would like to change this about myself. I wish I had better insight for this specifically
for me too, but my current theory is that being miserable is the easiest thing in the world. I want more than that, though, so I fight.
Oh for sure, I've faced misery as a default on and off for a long time. I have to work to be happy, but when I get there it feels like it was worth it.
I have been nervous about social situations for a while for the exact reason you said: I never know how it's going. I am kinda always second guessing myself and what I find is that my mind is just spitting these sort of anxious thoughts out really quickly. So for me there is value in forcing my brain to slow down, sometimes it's me distracting myself and sometimes it's me sitting still trying to just observe the nasty thoughts. When they're slower, I recognize what for me is essentially a script of self-hatred. Not really any organic or in-the-moment thoughts.
So, I tell myself that I'm not good but I don't even really believe that when I beat myself up. And it's the same kind of thing with mistakes. I literally keep thinking about dumb shit from 2019, and even though I have the insight to reflect, I am still trapped in wondering if I did something stupid. There's this recognition more and more that my brain is using this like a chew toy, I'm making myself anxious for fun!
I am often caught in a literal way of relating to people! I'm currently trying to talk myself out of there being a "right number of times" to reach out during a week or "does this warrant texting someone". Because I'm so caught up on these things that I just don't text. I want to be better connected, and that desire is starting to outgrow my fear of saying something stupid.
Again, not sure if this is anything, but I relate very much to your comment
the world really is turning into Minecraft, most glaringly with our architecture
Realizing you're trans and and autistic at once is a massive barrier, especially as someone who masked and repressed hard until pandemic-times made it impossible.
There is no rulebook. You just say stuff and people will either respond or not. Idk if there's meant to be any middle ground between massive people pleaser and aloof introvert, but I'm trending the latter because the rejection is painful.
Starting to come out to my family and make changes. It feels good 😊
lot of tv static in my brain. idk how I want to present anymore. i could imagine how i want to see myself sort of but it's staticy now. fighting my desire to not take up space, hard
by what means is progress measured if nobody witnesses the journey? how do i understand how i want to be without observing and mirroring? is my concept of gender supposed to not reference other people?
idk what i can do to just not be seen as a guy, because as long as people treat me like a guy, i will be wrestling against the world to be seen. i will always have to override the instinct to respond like a man and it will always take me twice as long to speak up.
"she's too Everything for the Everything Box. so they have to I guess invent another box to put her in, so that I specifically don't have to deal with her anymore.
I can't advocate for this long-term, but yelling at her did appear to work"
Revealing critical lore to someone about themselves and leaving without giving any meaningful action to take
Sinner (me, dysphoric, confused, anxious) In The Hands (comments) of an Angry God (Hexbear)
Myers-Briggs, OK-ULTRA Takes a village to fake a whole culture Your ear to the playground, your eye on the ball,
your brains on the wall
OH WELL HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, YOU AIN'T HOMELESS BUT YOU'RE HEARTLESS
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Got a compliment on my hair, which I am generally self conscious about. That was pretty nice