Wendy_Pleakley [they/them, he/him]

Iowkey I think I could get pretty bad without anyone noticing. apparently I have sorcerer-level abilities to fooling people into not realizing that I'm one bad text away from lighting my hair on fire

I might just embrace being fucking unknown, it's like you had your chance to ask a goddamn question. I give up

It's interesting when you stop initiating, and you see how much pressure was on you alone to keep it all going. For me if always begs the question, how strong was our little friend group or our little network if it was predicated on me always making the effort.

I think I killed at least three of my college group chats after graduation because I couldn't just keep entertaining. And that was my best chance at staying in touch with anyone after leaving school. I got pissed and left a couple of the group chats, thinking someone would notice or ask. Obviously they didn't.

My brothers went to the liquor store without me, my cousins are all friends and have excluded me and my siblings, I want to be launched into the sun, and I don't think anyone would care if I disappeared. My presence has no impact.

Shit weekend. I wasted it. Nobody sees me. God fucking dammit. I want to disappear

I feel more and more like I can only do self-care by shutting everyone out and deciding that I don't care anymore. And that's a hard thing to face, because I feel really let down. I was supposed to communicate perfectly in order to get help, and I couldn't, so no wonder I'm where I'm at. It stinks.

I don't like having violent thoughts. I don't know where to put this shit. I could scream at everyone. I could break something. If this is all a lie let me just blow it the fuck up and start over without any pretense of having somebody

Like I have been dead fucking alone with my thoughts for half a decade. I could rip my hair out but it's probably gonna fall out on its own. Then I'll look even more like a guy. What a strapping young man.

Obviously I'm stupid for expecting someone to notice an abrupt and obvious change in my behaviors. Obviously I expect too much from people. Which tells me that I, once again, have let everyone down. Like, this shit never ends! I don't understand the distinction between having zero expectations from others and just not caring. I'm getting really close to not caring what happens. It sucks.

I just wanna disappear and transition and never have to deal with these people again. It's not even that they aren't accepting,they just don't see me regardless and I feel invisible. I just want a new life with people who I don't have to wonder if they care or not. Like I am so sick of all of it and nobody caring. Am I a psychopath for being sad and hoping that someone notices. Am I really just supposed to say "hey can we talk . uh uh I'm SAD!" like a toddler. What the fuck am I supposed to do

I feel like I'm expected to give 150% in social situations just to keep up with others. I'm constantly out of the loop. I don't know how much of socializing is supposed to be work and how much is supposed to just happen. I don't understand how to find the balance between how much I'm supposed to think about others and how much I supposed to think about myself.

I also just feel like I'm too trusting, and I'm like, dumb? Like I hope that people will let me know when they're in town so we can hang out and they don't, they hang out without me. I give people the benefit of the doubt and they hurt my feelings.

I legitimately am at in impasse where I feel like in order to work on myself, I am supposed to stop talking to others and surrender any expectations socially. This, to me, seems the same as saying I don't care about anyone, I'm not interested in anyone, I don't care if I have any friends.

But hoping that others will also be thoughtful is a fucking wash. People text me that they miss me while they're all meeting up together, and I didn't even know they were in town. Bite my ass.