Remembered that my high school reunion is tomorrow night. I'm trying to decide if I want to go, and if I want to say fuck it and try and present in a more feminine way.
I haven't talked to any of my high school friends in years, we sorta went our separate ways. I'm not looking to rekindle those friendships, but it could be a confidence boost to see old friends.
I am quite sleepy 🥱
Thinking about shaving my arms. I wonder if they'd be smooth 🫢
Listen, in this house we trust Snoopy. We believe in Snoopy
But for real, how are you supposed to do stuff when everything causes you to freak out and need somebody? I've gone so long without someone to confide in that the need washes over me instantly.
People always say I'm hard to help, that I don't accept help. But now that I'm in complete atrophy, I can't move forward in my life, and the doors are wide open, people are even less willing to help. I thought people would rise to an opportunity to answer the call of a friend in need but truly idk anymore
Or maybe everyone but me has the answer. It seems like it many days
I get so overwhelmed.
I don't know if I believe that people can keep themselves organized. It genuinely seems impossible without a second person aware to be aware of me and cognizant of my issues and habits.
Like, every time a situation happens I just have to fucking figure it out. I don't have that best friend who will listen no matter what and always knows what to say.
Tbh I kind of assume that everyone else does have someone, and I missed the Friend Deadline so that's why nobody chooses me
For real. You're literally supposed to pretend you don't have problems. Every time someone has said, "you can always talk to me", it's like, but you haven't been here. Talk to me so I know I can talk to you.
Damn. I don't know if I have any reason to reach out.
I feel really let down and for the last few years everyone has just assumed I'm fine, and a boy. Part of me wants to transition to spite everyone, convince them that they were wrong not to look deeper.
I thought I was closer to those people. I used to do so much for other people, and then I got burnt out. I didn't think I had to beg for reciprocation. So I didn't. And everyone left 😐
So I still feel like I'm at a deficit, because all these people took and never gave. Like, when do I get back, so that I can give again without resentment? Is this how anything works?
Is it normal to have people forget that you came out to them?
I always thought that coming out would yield more openness, like, "I want you to know about me, and I want to know about you".
I have no people I talk to regularly, the only former classmates have pretty much stopped reaching out after I came out to them. I'm scared to text anybody first but would happily respond if someone messaged me, like, damn. Like, how would I pick someone and what would I say to them? I need to plan what to say
I'm having fun reading about Lost Child Syndrome and realizing I'm completely fffffucked and may never have friends. Like, I don't think people think about friends the way that I do. You have to be stressed and work to make your friends like you. Anything easier than that is literal magic. It's not fun. Who said having friends is fun?
My first week of school was good!! but my knees are quite tired from walking around campus.
Officially sick of dressing as a boy, so I've been sorting my clothes like crazy to build a wardrobe with some consistency so I'm not freaking out over what to wear every day.
I don't really want to be handsome. I don't know if I want to transition, but I know that I want to look beautiful and radiant.
Nothing like helping your dad move computer parts to remind you that there's, well, a whole lot you'd rather be doing than helping your dad move computer parts.
I have to ask, did the concern about microplastics go away, or is it just one of many horrors that have faded into the background?
I mentioned it to my parents, and they seemed to think that tiny bits of plastic inside of us isn't a huge deal.
The lack of an objective reality is really causing me to pine for a Zerg-hivemind in which I can simply rely on sharing a brain with everyone I interact with
Edit: embarrassed to admit this wasn't actually rhetorical
hitting new records on my maladaptive daydreaming babyyyy
I genuinely don't know how people get better after trauma forces them to self isolate. If you don't have someone who loves you enough to recognize your patterns, aren't you doomed without sufficient evidence to change?
Edit: Low-key I feel like most people do have a one singular person that they can turn to about everything. I don't and it's agonizing. Maybe everyone on earth has someone to confide in already, could explain the blank stares I get everywhere I try to talk about this stuff
I don't know how to reconcile what I perceive as the failing of my support system. To me, the fact that we lost touch is at all is a sign that the friendships weren't what I thought they were. Because the conversation doesn't end, not between friends. If it ends, that means something happened. But nobody on the opposite end thought me going quiet was a sign that I wasn't okay, or that I was losing the will to live.
Maybe I'm alone in these thoughts and that's why nobody responds
For me it starts to feel manipulative, like I don't want a genuine connection, I just want someone that will text me back. And I realize that that's not fair, so I feel guilty and don't text anyone. It feels like making any move would be acting on this evil selfishness of "no, look at ME", but also hiding from my friends is selfish too?
EDIT: and also the minute they text back the process completely starts over, and I'm like, what the fuck do I say, did I want to talk to them, do they like me, and it just continues until I can't respond because I'm so overwhelmed
I feel like I'm discovering this year that I just don't understand friendship.
Like, for me it has always been a logical thing. I hang out with people in my vicinity. If nobody is in my vicinity, I don't hang out, and I assume it's because nobody wants to. I don't reach out a ton because I don't feel like I have a good reason to just hit up somebody who I have no idea what they think of me at this point. They only really reach out when they need stuff from me.
At the same time, I never stopped caring about these people, I just didn't really know what to say. I had hard times and when I told people, there grew distance. And now that I feel more like myself, I don't know how to go back. It doesn't feel like it makes any sense, because in my view the silence means they don't want to talk. It still does.
But how do I like, start again? Do I just have random one-off conversations until someone decides to stick around? I feel like it's easier to make friends if you already have a friend, which is not a situation I'm in. I literally message zero people, and don't know how to turn that into a non-zero. I don't trust a one-off conversation to not fizzle out, I want to be able to guarantee that it'll lead somewhere.
Idk. I start school next week, and am hopeful, but I continue to not fully understand my problems
Comforted by the silence I guess
Just realized that we grow and learn from our experiences without realizing it? Damn, that's fucking crazy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm grateful to be in a much better place than I was when I wrote this 🫠
Finally ate and took my meds after staring at the wall for a few hours. Feeling a bit more grounded. I decided to go for a drive, now I'm just sitting in the woods.
I feel so lost. I wish I could just be a plant and forget all this.
The wonders of my brain persist
I've been pacing around in my room for like 4 hours. I need to take my medicine but I need to eat first, but I have no appetite because I'm obsessing over why my friendships fell apart and did I expect too much and is anything too much to expect from anyone. Did I waste time hoping that my parents were invested in me figuring anything out? I thought people notice people and talk to them about things that they do and things that happen. If I move out tomorrow, my Dad will legit forget I lived here. It feels like everyone I knew forgot about me. It's not great.
Went to my high school 10 year after a lot of deliberation. It ended up being okay, I talked to people for a few hours!I wasn't super close with my high school friends, but it is nice to get together.
Once every 10 years is fine, though, and I don't feel obligated to show up to 20.