been drinking on an off for many years. Sometimes heavily. But recently, not all that much. I know about tolerance and kindling, but haven't heard of gaba spillover. Will look into it. I have used a lot of fucking gaba drugs, always trying to tamp down that ol crippling anxiety.
Thanks. It would be too much for most people, and even with my tolerance it would be too much for me. But it's like something broke. I keep doing more but nothing happens.
I just drank half of a 1.75 liter handle of vodka. I barely feel it. It's like I'm fucking sober. (See, I can even type!) Chugging more, really want to get out there, but scared I can't anymore.
I'm not smart. I'm generally very stupid, by any metric. I can't think quickly, or deeply, I never have anything funny or clever to say, I don't pick up on obvious things that everyone else does. I really am just dumb. If I think I've made a unique observation, it's been noticed and discarded already by everyone around me. I really am that slow. I don't GET things until well after everyone else already has got it and sometimes even made it an inside joke I will never get because I'm so slow. I can tell sometimes when people want to bring me in on the joke, and they try to walk me in on the sequence of humor. But they get frustrated by how much of a pathetic moron I am, eventually giving up on me. The best thing I can possibly ever be to anyone is a lost cause. That's if I'm lucky.
I never had a good enough internet connection to play anything online. Rural internet in the US is a fucking joke. I've been single player all my life aside from a few LAN parties in the late 90s. I've been curious though, felt like I probably missed out, but whatever. Single player takes up enough time in my bullshit life, I'm sure multiplayer would only make it worse.
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I'm just lost. I'm sorry. Shouldn't have commented. Thanks for the response.
I'm losing it, comrades. I don't know what to do. I can't make sense of anything.
I'm kind of afraid of them. I tried RC dissociatives and I did really like them but they did not change anything long term and then they just stopped working at all, even to just trip. All the magic was lost very quick. I tried an RC psychedelic that was supposed to be mild and visual but I just felt twitchy and uncomfortable with no visuals, no epiphanies, no openness, just gross and weird like I took shitty dysphoric speed.
I know I should go with more natural stuff like shrooms but I am broke and have no friends and no connections.
Thank you Dirt_Owl, you are one awesome bird.
I believe your promise that we'll make it "through," but through to where? It's not looking real hopeful on the global stage, with the west descending into fascism even more than it already was and the entire world falling into worsening climate crises that are just the start of a mass extinction. I won't bore or burden you with the details but on my personal level it's uhm not good either. Thank you for the kindness. It makes a difference but I still can't shake the feeling that life is hopeless and there's no escaping it.
Sorry, I'm just screaming into the void. It is pretty cool to hear a friendly hoot in response though. :penguin-love:
CW: depressed loser.
I have serious brain chemistry issues I think. I mean, everyone does in this capitalist hellworld ofc, but I'm so horribly depressed, so unable to feel any happiness even when I should, like when something undeniably "good" happens to me, I feel nothing but regret and self hatred and fear. I think my serotonin and dopamine receptors are just outright broken. Legal drugs have been unable to repair or even stop-gap it. Illegal ones "work" (they let me lie to myself) for a bit but then make it exponentially worse with a crash or withdrawal. I feel doomed to living the rest of my pathetic life in despair. Alone. Then dying as I do the only thing I know how to do anymore, wallowing in self pity. Not very communist of me I know, but I never claimed to be a worthwhile human being, let alone a good communist.
The real superstar: :kitsupogi:
Or perhaps actually Cuno.
As far as capacity to suffer? No. No difference. As far as capacity to do human-level shit like uh, read? Yes, difference. The question isn't whether or not goats can read though, it's whether or not they, and other animals can experience a life, can suffer, can feel joy, etc. And guess what, they can do all those things. And if your empathy ends at those who can read, then... fuck you, you're not a comrade.
Every night I drink thinking "once I'm drunk, I can make a comment worth posting" and then I get drunk and just end up hating myself and everything I might have said. So I never comment. It's probably for the best though because the comments would be shit and everyone would just wish I'd STFU and go away. So I do. I say nothing and just lurk. But what's this? I said something?? I must be more drunk than usual. Everyone hates me, I deserve nothing but scorn.
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Thank you. I appreciate take the happy-b-day sentiment.
In six hours, I will have been "alive," physically separate from another person, for 40 years.
It's killing me as I dwell on it. What I can't get past, the thing that keeps eating me is how much I've wasted most of those 40 years, well, certainly the last 20 of them. Another milestone crossed and I have only shame to show for it.
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Nah, it's not that. I hear you, but I'm not new to any of this. I'd venture to say I'm older than most people here and have got decades of experience with these substances. I'm not looking for a guardian, or even some kind of advice. I was just shocked at how my usual escapism method wasn't working, and threw out a comment as a kind of
sentiment. I probably should have just kept to myself.