sadchungus [comrade/them]

nvm i broke rule 2 with the previous text of this post

if this is all there is and theres no afterlife i'd rather have not gone through any of this at all. i'm a hostage to my fear of death, a slave to my biology, a captive of history. no amount of positive experiences will change this. the positivity itself is pointless, meaningless, and temporary. i experience it only in a detached manner, anticipating and dreading its end, its meaninglessness, its impermanence. it is marred by the unchangeable past, saddled with guilt and grief and longing for the never-possible. it is surrounded by mindless suffering. one cannot overcome this with friendship or passion or commitment to a better future, only distract oneself. even communism cannot solve existential dread, only make it more comfortable, which in itself may be a worthy endeavor.

it seems like life is nothing but a series of cliques that i'm not part of. It seems like its too late to be a person i would want to be. It seems like i am too old to accomplish anything i would want to accomplish. i almost want to quit going to a gym because seeing all the younger people in way better shape than i was ever able to be in is giving me bodily dysphoria. it seems so intensely selfish and shallow, but i get so jealous seeing people seemingly effortlessly happy, people with support groups and friends and family they can trust, i get jealous of people that have therapists when they talk about their mental health problems, even when their problems are probably way worse than mine, at least people recognize it and they have someone to talk to or someone to get medicine from. it seems like some people are just divinely blessed or chosen to live better, and i'm inherently inferior, whether because of genes or circumstances, destined to be mediocre and forgotten and and alone and miserable.