ventthrowaway [none/use name]

i'm never going to get over my best friend gaslighting me and cutting me off. they're just going to have their little christian abusive household and think its all ok to themselves, while i just rot and fester with the mental fucking scars. i keep imagining them laughing at me, or just being so fucking smug, or fucking and making fun of how i'm alone.

i want to fucking move on, to forget they ever existed, but they were so foundational to my identity. someone else i know recently said they seemed happy at their job, which makes me feel like shit, like they're implying i'm in the wrong, but i know they always acted happy at work, they were always a wannabe actor. and then they and their partner would get drunk and start fighting when they were back from work. i would've been ok with it if they at least apologized and admitted it was a problem to work on, but they flat out lied to my face and denied any of it had ever happened. one of them said to my face, unprompted and unrelated to any relevant topic, before any of this happened, that they 'didn't care if other people thought their relationship was abusive'.

i told one of my parents about it, the first time i tried talking to them about anything important in years, if not my life, and they just told me about relatives at ours who fight all the time and said they were together for decades. like that made it ok, like i was wrong to question that.

i don't want to live this life anymore, i just want my best friend back, and its impossible now, they're having a kid in an abusive relationship, there's nothing i can do about it, and now i'm alone, none of my other friends or acquantances have the same interests as me, i don't know anyone else thats even LGBT+, no one gets my references now, no one has seen the same media as me, and no one seems to care. when i have friends over they just play factorio or something else i can't help but be bored by and ignore me. i've spent the majority of most days of the past year or so just going insane, just being sad and alone all day, it seems like nothing will ever change for the better. i can tell my mental state is getting worse over time and theres nothing i can do about it and no one i can turn to for help.

i keep emailing them every few months or so, i keep having nightmares about them, i keep remembering something i forgot to say, i keep thinking of something that could convince them, and i just get shat on, which i should expect and probably deserve. i don't want to do this anymore, i don't want to be me anymore.