There’s so much stuff that would feel weird and stereotype-y to see someone else do and think, “they must be trans!” but when I think back on myself doing them, my only thought is, “oh, so that’s what that was about.”
There’s so much stuff that would feel weird and stereotype-y to see someone else do and think, “they must be trans!” but when I think back on myself doing them, my only thought is, “oh, so that’s what that was about.”
Ignore my annoying ramblings, I'll delete it soon anyways.
spoiler
None of these things are required history for knowing you are trans, everyone has entirely different experiences, or none at all. I've met ones that had no clue till late 60s, and some that've known since they were born.
The fact that I was internally insistent on hanging out with other women and having female body language since I was in middle school. It was some stereotypical shit yeah, but for some reason I had to be viewed as slightly feminine. I had to be viewed that way, I didn't know why, but my attention seeking specifically wanted that to be the way I was viewed.
I was always jealous of the women's clothing, but even the ones that could be worn by men because "its just not right thinking of it that way". My absolute hate towards my own face, I have scars from clawing it in a fit. My complete avoidance of mirrors. Although i don't really have memories of using womens clothes ever, I was always extremely afraid of that. I still shy away from them, not because I don't want them, but because I was (and am) afraid of being ugly in them. Also my sister would kill me if I touched her shit and Im far more afraid of her wrath than I was displeased with myself (for good reason, im fucked in the head and she knows it)
wait there was one time recently my sister and mom helped out with some little cosplaying for our family dnd session. I wore feminine but not too feminine clothing. It was nice until my sister and I ruined after getting into an argument.
One time I freaked out when my friend told me my voice was deeper, I thought about it constantly. Still do, I need to voice train.
Oh also constantly imagining myself as female characters. I had a very active imagination, always fighting and taking over the galaxy. I would pretend to be the main character, which was always some sort of vader like thing that I didn't want to be a man because reasons, but the formless menace was cool. I would make up female side characters that I would play as.
I have and always will be extremely jealous of my sister, shes way cooler than me and far more capable (I wish she was the marxist instead of me). She kicks ass, takes names, and is strong in body, spirit, and mind. I wanted to be her, but I don't deserve that. She hates me for good reason. I'm not a good person.
none of these things were ever things I thought to connect until I learned that being trans was even a thing by age 16. Even then it took fucking years for me to really realize that I might be trans, a fuckton of back and forth, and even then coming to terms after knowing I had some sort of dysphoria. It took me until literally last december me finding out, and only because a bunch of trans people bullied the brainworms out of me for fuckin hours. Okay a minor stopping point was me immediately calling up my mother and her trying to be supportive but she was visibly freaking out, then when I explained how I found out she thought the commies did it (but not like a conservative way, but in a people on the internet are making my kid think they're things they're not kinda way) and attributing it to that weird syndrome where you think you have a disease if you read the symptoms. Which is totally something that happens for gender. I'm an adult so her opinion doesn't really matter, but that set me back months while killing my trust in my mom. She got better, kind of, but thats something I wont forget.
These little moments and more are something I didn't notice until within like a year or so.