LeylaLove [she/her, love/loves]

  • 208 Posts
  • 1.88K Comments
Joined 1 year ago
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Cake day: August 18th, 2023

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  • CW: Eating disorder, dysphoria, alcoholism

    Things were really going well until I had to eat today. No drinking, no serious cravings, worked all day so I was distracted, it was great. I've been on a really good streak recently, I haven't even started Naltrexone yet and I'm feeling good on that. I didn't eat yesterday and I didn't really want to eat tonight but I made myself eat so of course I ate way too much and feel guilty about it. It makes me feel dysphoric too because like oh am I not worth transitioning for? I feel like I've gotten worse looking everyday in my transition, and much of it is my fault. Cig stains on my teeth, shitty skin from a few years of drinking and generally being malnourished yet bloated because of my vices

    When I'm not sober, I am passively bullemic, no thought goes into it, but I'm vomiting all the time and eating too much, or not eating at all depending on the day. I was just like that. Now I still have to fight those habits except there's intent behind them now. Now instead of not eating because I forgot, I don't eat because I don't want to. Now instead of just naturally binging, I do it in response to stress. Maybe I was always like this and just forgot who I really was before I ever started drinking.





  • Me too, Killer Mike is someone that disappoints me so heavily. I really liked him when I was younger, he's a skilled musician and definitely understands a lot of shit, but every time I agree with him.

    Also, second paragraph is Aesop Rock slander but I mostly agree

    Edit: this comment was written wrong, I do not agree with Killer Mike. I don't even remember what I intended to write there, it was in the middle of work I think









  • There were a lot of chat messages last night, I just scrolled back for 9 minutes and didn't find the message because of how much we were pissed at this. Nakoichi and other admins we recognize weren't even in chat until about half way through and ended up catching some strays from me. They started defending TC69 and AlaskaBall without context and I directly told them to go fuck themselves. Y'all know me, I try to keep my mouth shut without good reason, I can firmly say that all the serious admin abuse that's happened in the past few days has been TC69 and AlaskaBall.

    Yes, we mostly all agree that the dunk tank is toxic af. I'm not going to try to deny any truths whatsoever. But TC69 and AlaskaBall essentially nuked all good faith between staff and users and I genuinely hate them for that

    Edit: was talking about the admin alts, something I found most troubling. Melina can eat shit




  • And I'm in control of that? I invited people from outside the official mod chat into a different mod chat to talk about things safely, I really did my best. If I had the energy to respond to people insulting me as a mod, I'd be sharing tons of information from the mod chat. And as someone in the mod chat, I can firmly say 90 percent of the real fallout for this belongs to TC69 and AlaskaBall. Even from the posts it's clear as day that it's just TC69 and AlaskaBall doing this shit.

    I will say, mods (or most fairly well read people) are against the "dunk" culture (me included). We literally have known doxxers in this community that haven't been banned due to dissapointing admin inaction. There is a very firm split between the mods doing unpaid labor on this site, and the most of the admins. We all told AlaskaBall to go fuck themselves last night very directly. Seriously, so many of us have had to deal with serious backlash from this shit with no warning, we are a bunch of volunteers getting absolutely shat on by people we try to help. That is so fucking hard to work through, and my therapist would probably tell me to delete my fucking account.

    I get the confusion, I never check the mod chat, I'm awful about it, I was confused too. But even when you look at the fucking modlog, there is no mod action, IT'S ALL ADMIN! And just like capitalists, TC69 and Alaskaball are simply farming out all the mods to take the actual backlash of this shit.