Sometimes a fear of rejection can lead to not approaching people, and to self-sabotaging when approached
Sometimes desperation to "settle down" can lead to wanting to move too fast for any potential partners who aren't in the same frame of mind, which can contribute to a fear of rejection
The situation I've had the most people talk to me about, though, is rooted in gender essentialism. Of course the main aspect of gender essentialism under patriarchy is misogyny - poisoning how they understand and interact with women - but it also poisons how men relate to their own gender and sexuality. A man's essentialist understanding of what it means to be a man will inevitably lead to a great deal of self-repression as he understands his own traits through a lens of conformity to, or deviance from, his concept of manhood
One of the most surprising and important sets of effects from internalized gender essentialism is its effects on attraction. Rather than asking oneself, "What do I like," the question becomes, "What do men like?" This has two main implications: attraction that falls outside of "what men like" is to be ignored or actively suppressed as deviance, and a lack of attraction to parts of "what men like" is a source of shame and sexual frustration. The remainder, the parts of "what men like" that one is genuinely attracted to, becomes fetishized because it's the only remaining outlet for sexual gratification
Thanks! Unfortunately I can't, but hopefully someone else can.
My perspective on it is just from growing up secretly pantheist (though I didn't learn that word until I was about 20) in an Evangelical community, and comparing my experiences to others'. I didn't date very much because all the relationships I saw were disasters, but gradually I noticed a common thread in those relationships of being unable to understand people descriptively instead of prescriptively. You can probably guess it ties in directly to transphobia and homophobia, and if consciously affirmed as part of a person's ideology, essentialism can often extend to other areas like race and class
Sometimes a fear of rejection can lead to not approaching people, and to self-sabotaging when approached
Sometimes desperation to "settle down" can lead to wanting to move too fast for any potential partners who aren't in the same frame of mind, which can contribute to a fear of rejection
The situation I've had the most people talk to me about, though, is rooted in gender essentialism. Of course the main aspect of gender essentialism under patriarchy is misogyny - poisoning how they understand and interact with women - but it also poisons how men relate to their own gender and sexuality. A man's essentialist understanding of what it means to be a man will inevitably lead to a great deal of self-repression as he understands his own traits through a lens of conformity to, or deviance from, his concept of manhood
One of the most surprising and important sets of effects from internalized gender essentialism is its effects on attraction. Rather than asking oneself, "What do I like," the question becomes, "What do men like?" This has two main implications: attraction that falls outside of "what men like" is to be ignored or actively suppressed as deviance, and a lack of attraction to parts of "what men like" is a source of shame and sexual frustration. The remainder, the parts of "what men like" that one is genuinely attracted to, becomes fetishized because it's the only remaining outlet for sexual gratification
Great post, can you recommend some informative books on the matter?
Thanks! Unfortunately I can't, but hopefully someone else can.
My perspective on it is just from growing up secretly pantheist (though I didn't learn that word until I was about 20) in an Evangelical community, and comparing my experiences to others'. I didn't date very much because all the relationships I saw were disasters, but gradually I noticed a common thread in those relationships of being unable to understand people descriptively instead of prescriptively. You can probably guess it ties in directly to transphobia and homophobia, and if consciously affirmed as part of a person's ideology, essentialism can often extend to other areas like race and class