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Card 1

Your diet of fried food and supplements is making you hallucinate. In a vision, Pepe the Frog dances around you. He approaches, holding a moonshine martini.
Roll a 7 or higher:
If you succeed, take a +1 Prize Card.
If you fail, confess to Pepe that you love fucking your wife and lose -1 Prize Card.

Card 2

You find an unused vial of Hillary Clinton's adrenochrome on the floor.
Gain +1 Health.

Card 3

Once again, you have been silenced! Big tech and their demon-rat allies have conspired to ban your social media account.
If you have ever been banned from a social media site, gain +1 Health.

Card 4

As you scour the floor for lottery tickets, you come across a pipe bomb! Despite its phallic shape, you immediately hurl yourself onto it.
Roll a 7 or higher:
If you succeed, you crush the bomb and save the day. Everyone is safe.
If you fail, every Patriot in your wing loses -1 Health. Talk about a hurt locker!

Card 5

After four years of accusing every famous person of being a Satanic pedophile, you begin to suspect the same of your closest allies.
All Patriots must roll a single die.
The highest roll wins the pedophile battle royale, beating the accusations and taking +1 Prize Card from each Patriot.
In case of tie, roll until a winner is decided.