I move like I don't have a physical body. As a result, I bump into things a lot and trip. I try to go through objects like a ghost, sometimes fully expecting it'll work. Like a bee trying to leave a closed window. It happens most when I'm doing chores.

I grew up rushing to take care of my abusive family every second of my childhood, and was made to feel my self care had no significance. Even if the care is as small as taking a moment to see if something is in the way, so I don't bump into it. Like a corner while I'm rounding a corner. And even if I notice something's in my way, I will try to crash through it repeatedly before the throbbing of resulting pain reminds me to move it out my way first. The throbbing has to grow intense enough too. I might accidentally hit my head on an object 10 times in less than an hour before I watch my head. (TW: domestic violence) This is probably because my family beat me daily and I dissociate from physical pain.

Examples of things I've been told that help me understand my physical presence:

  • This might sound weird, but "pretend" you have a body. This way you act like you have one.

  • What are some things in your room? How big are they? What's the biggest thing in your room? How big is it? All those things thake up physical space. Just like those things, you take up physical space.

  • HexaSnoot [none/use name]
    hexagon
    ·
    6 months ago

    I used to do light taichi. It made me realize I could knead air like dough. It slowed me down for a little bit too. Both probably made me move smoother with more awareness.

    • JoeByeThen [he/him, they/them]
      ·
      edit-2
      6 months ago

      Ah, well there you go.💁‍♂️ I don't know if you're familiar with the concept of proprioception but it's basically the brain's ability to monitor your body in space, like waving your hand behind your back and knowing where it is. There's a whole section of the brain dedicated to doing it, but as with everything in the brain, nothing exists within a vacuum. So over time we can build pavlovian connections around our proprioception that can include emotional trauma and whatnot that affects the way we move and feel about our body. You may wanna Google Occupational Therapy exercises that deal with proprioception.

      Other activities you might want to look into could be:

      • dance - I don't do a lot of it myself, but it should fulfill the criteria of mindfully tracking your body.

      • contact juggling gave me a whole new awareness of my arms. I wasn't very good at it, but it was fascinating.

      • Ooh definitely flow toys like Poi (though if you are of the penis packing persuasion I would recommend wearing a cup. I took a lot of shots to junk playing around with them.) They require you to think about your body and where it is while also tracking the toy(s).

      • if you're feeling adventurous and don't mind some woo, ritual magick is largely about taking symbols and actions, assigning personal meaning to them, and then smashing them together in ritual with the intent of creating habits and pavlovian associations that sit in your subconscious to influence your behavior. Rituals like the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram heavily involves building an awareness of your personal space and "purifying" the way you feel about it. While the middle pillar is largely a visualisation ritual about the body itself that can "expand" your sense of self (or the quale of it) in the space around you. It's not for everybody, but if you're looking for self reflection and change it's a fun way of going about it. High Magick by Kraig is good intro.

      • oh also yoga, a bit less woo nowadays but similar in result to rituals.

      • oh! Also, also. I don't have personal experience with it, Alexander Technique would probably be helpful too. It's all about learning to move your body.