Like holy shit no I’m not. I wish I could film myself all day every day because I know I talk fucking strange, make weird facial expressions, walk funny, move my head weird, etc., all things I want to work on, because I know people look at me like I’m a fucking alien, because these are all things I should have smoothed out by the time I was like 13 but fucking didn’t.
I know there isn’t really anything wrong with me, but when I listen to the way I talk, see the way I behave in the wild, etc., I am exactly someone who I would be embarrassed to be around. I know that’s shitty of me, that I would be embarrassed to be around someone, but idk what to tell you.
Even when I’ve been awake for a couple days and say some fucking bizarre shit to someone they’re like “Oh no you're fine you talk normal” NO I DON’T.
Are these people concerned about being ableist or something? Because it’s even more ableist to fucking coddle me and lie to me when I’m trying to figure out why (generally) nobody likes me.
A lot of the examples in the first and second paragraphs also apply to me. I've been paranoid about this since at least my early teens.
And yet lots of people seem to like me. Maybe it's a lot of listening and being patient? Maybe I come off as really non-threatening? Maybe it's a fawning instinct from persistent hostility in childhood? Maybe I have exciting parts of myself that make up for the awkward quirks? Maybe people around me are just really gracious about me? I'll never know exactly.
There's also an extent of "it's only awkward if you allow it to be" for some things. If there's something that is classed as awkward by a social script, but you keep going honestly and naturally, you can overpower that social script. Sometimes.