1. Did anyone else just hear gunshots?
  2. Why are there cop cars here?
  3. Why is a helicopter circling over here?
  4. Where’s my dog?

The answers to which are always the same:

  1. A car backfired
  2. Because they’re there every day to brutalize the poor for stealing a toothbrush from hapless Walmart
  3. Because you live right next to the airport
  4. A coyote had it for dinner

Someone tell me how to convince my relatives to remove this shit from their house