OK. This is one of my most toxic qualities and has caused serious issues, specifically with other ND people, particularly femme ones. This is NOT something I should be ok with and something I need to work on.
But I do want to talk about WHY it happens.
There are two main reasons why when someone presents me with a boundary, I might try to "argue" or "negotiate" the boundary.
- The boundary doesnt make logical sense to me, so I feel that if I merely explain why it doesnt make sense to me I can argue them out of it. The fact that its a deep discomfort that doesnt have to make sense does not occure to me in the moment.
- A lot of the time its not even because I'm not willing to respect the boundary, its because I want to fully understand their reasoning, so I"m trying to draw that reasoning out more through discussion. Which comes off as "arguing".
Its also worth noting as Ive said before that boundary drawing has to be very clear with me for me to get it usually. White lies and subtle hints and stuff is completely unhelpful to me.
Ive also been in the position of thinking that the misunderstanding behind a boundary was "cleared up" and therefor thinking its ok to resume the behavior, without actually being given the go ahead to do so. And the person now feels uncomfortable drawing lines with me again because I argued last time (which is a manifestation of THEIR ND), and it just spirals.
The problematic effect this has is that it discourages the person from drawing boundaries with me again. This has led to nasty situations for me multiple times.
It's always fun when neurodiversities clash. I'm sensitive to loud noises and my roommate has trouble modulating her voice
I also have a tendency to shut down when someone else talks too much without pausing. If I had to compare the feeling, it's like a circuit breaker tripping - too much is flowing through the wire, so the connection gets cut, to be reset when it's safe to do so. Of course, this leads to others thinking I'm indifferent to or dismissive of their interests, which I swear I'm not.
Yeah me and my roommate are both autistic and he has voice modulating problems too and it really grates me. He participates in group chats on OKCupid and he's very loud about it and the other voices also bother me. Also ugh when uncomfortable topics come up X_X. When he watches TV its fine. I can literally sleep right there on the couch when its just the TV. But the voice chats oh my god.
I don't think it's unreasonable to tell him to wear a damn headset.
Wouldnt help with the main problem which is his voice lol.
The thing with your roommate is exactly what it was like for me in college with my roommate! And neither of us knew that we were neurodivergent lmao. It's so funny looking back and connecting all these dots that are so obvious in retrospect. I just remember thinking like, "I love her so much but maaan my ears hurt when she talks to me sometimes and I don't know why :/" Like, lol. Lmao even.