OK. This is one of my most toxic qualities and has caused serious issues, specifically with other ND people, particularly femme ones. This is NOT something I should be ok with and something I need to work on.
But I do want to talk about WHY it happens.
There are two main reasons why when someone presents me with a boundary, I might try to "argue" or "negotiate" the boundary.
- The boundary doesnt make logical sense to me, so I feel that if I merely explain why it doesnt make sense to me I can argue them out of it. The fact that its a deep discomfort that doesnt have to make sense does not occure to me in the moment.
- A lot of the time its not even because I'm not willing to respect the boundary, its because I want to fully understand their reasoning, so I"m trying to draw that reasoning out more through discussion. Which comes off as "arguing".
Its also worth noting as Ive said before that boundary drawing has to be very clear with me for me to get it usually. White lies and subtle hints and stuff is completely unhelpful to me.
Ive also been in the position of thinking that the misunderstanding behind a boundary was "cleared up" and therefor thinking its ok to resume the behavior, without actually being given the go ahead to do so. And the person now feels uncomfortable drawing lines with me again because I argued last time (which is a manifestation of THEIR ND), and it just spirals.
The problematic effect this has is that it discourages the person from drawing boundaries with me again. This has led to nasty situations for me multiple times.
I think a lot of ND people are basically trained, whether it's ABA or bullying or whatever, to not have boundaries. So sometimes when others have boundaries it can be weird or even upsetting to us, because we're literally not allowed to have any. We're constantly people pleasing and fawning and masking etc. So when someone is like "Stop" it's like record scratch what? Wtf you're allowed to just say that and make things stop? Since when? I could never do that!
And if it's not a trauma reaction like the above, sometimes it's just a misunderstanding of tone, where you're seen as "arguing" when you're just like, talking and trying to understand them. Talking through text is the wooorst for this. I am constantly seeing arguments on my social media feeds that sprang out of nowhere when somebody just decided to put in their 2 cents and somebody else took it personal. Nobody understands the other and next thing you know they've blocked each other over nothing.
Sometimes people are very private, like my boyfriend for example. I might say something totally innocent in passing about him or about us, that I thought was like something cute or silly, and then he'll get very upset and basically act like I just told the whole world his nastiest sexual kink or something. Then I get angry because it's like the trauma thing, I have literally no boundaries and now suddenly it's record scratch stop. What? So yeah lol.
Oooooo yeah Ive had huge problem with the "secrets that arent specifically defined as secrets" thing. I dont have many if any serious secrets (though I do kinda hate being talked about behind my back, if its negative) so I just dont tihnk about it with other people's things.
Actually that reminds me of another time I blew past someone's boundaries when they tried to get across to me that it was a boundary, but I didnt get it because they were too "nice" about it. My first time lmao. I told tons of people a ton of details about that, and some of it got back around to her. And she didnt even want people knowing we hooked up at all X_X . And when we were just hanging out at the computer after, and I was about to make a post jokingly hinting at it, she like uncomfortably said I shouldnt, And I just blew past it and didnt get it.
Uuuuuuugh.
And the person now feels uncomfortable drawing lines with me again because I argued last time (which is a manifestation of THEIR ND), and it just spirals.
It's always fun when neurodiversities clash. I'm sensitive to loud noises and my roommate has trouble modulating her voice
I also have a tendency to shut down when someone else talks too much without pausing. If I had to compare the feeling, it's like a circuit breaker tripping - too much is flowing through the wire, so the connection gets cut, to be reset when it's safe to do so. Of course, this leads to others thinking I'm indifferent to or dismissive of their interests, which I swear I'm not.
Yeah me and my roommate are both autistic and he has voice modulating problems too and it really grates me. He participates in group chats on OKCupid and he's very loud about it and the other voices also bother me. Also ugh when uncomfortable topics come up X_X. When he watches TV its fine. I can literally sleep right there on the couch when its just the TV. But the voice chats oh my god.
I don't think it's unreasonable to tell him to wear a damn headset.
Wouldnt help with the main problem which is his voice lol.
The thing with your roommate is exactly what it was like for me in college with my roommate! And neither of us knew that we were neurodivergent lmao. It's so funny looking back and connecting all these dots that are so obvious in retrospect. I just remember thinking like, "I love her so much but maaan my ears hurt when she talks to me sometimes and I don't know why :/" Like, lol. Lmao even.
Sidenote: worth noting that part of my problem is that I sort of have very little in the way of boundaries myself. So that adds my my difficulty understanding.
I've had issues with coming across as argumentative before. I try to rephrase things as questions now. Although it can be best to avoid "why" questions, they can come across argumentative even when asked in earnest.
Asking someone what caused a specific boundary has caused trauma dumping before though, so be prepared for that, lol.
