"Actually, Judas? Not so great when it comes to deals. Not so great. Thirty pieces, folks. Thirty pieces of silver! Not gold, not good. Gave 'em Jesus, didn't get enough. I would've gotten gold. A lotta gold. Probably more."
Then a young man, a very nice young man—reminds me of myself when I was young—came to him and said, "Teacher"—more and more people were saying this, many people called him Teacher, and so he said, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?" He wanted eternal life. Everyone wants it. Folks, you've seen it, you know, the golden gates. It's beautiful. Just like Mar-a-Lago, all the gold. It's nice craftsmanship. The best, God knows his stuff. Good taste, almost as good as mine but still very nice. To get to Heaven you have to walk past this gate, large, golden gate—like the wall we're building, this is Heaven. We're in Heaven right now, folks. It's in the Bible. Vote for me and we'll make America Heaven again. And Jesus said to him, "What do you mean, what's good? You just gotta follow the law." Jesus was a very good, honest man. Very strong. Not like the Dems. Jesus would LOCK HER UP. Jesus was very serious, very serious. And the young man asked, very confused, he didn't know what—which laws? There are so many laws. Jesus, what was he talking about? I know the laws, all the witch hunts nobody knows laws like me. I tell my lawyers—my attorneys, you know we're always in court, they look at me, they go, they are in court, everyone stops and they turn and ask me, "Mr. President, what should we do? Can you tell the Judge to be nice to us?" And these are huge lawyers, the best schools, they know all the laws—but they ask me. They ask me for help. They should pay me, folks. This young man, he followed the laws. Always. He told Jesus, "I kept all of the laws. What do I still need to do?" Then Jesus told to him, Jesus was very smart, smart guy, he told him, "You're perfect. Don't worry. You worked hard, you got very rich, you're famous, you're successful. God loves you. You're the best. You're perfect. I love you so much. Go, and be magnificent." And the young man, a very handsome young man, folks, he was very happy. He left happy and went home—he had a big, beautiful house, it was huge—and had someone cook his favorite meal to celebrate. That was a good day, God blessed him. He lived a long life and was very wise, very wise, the wisest, and one day he became King. He was the best, most intelligent ruler the country ever knew, very kind. And he had a beautiful daughter, the most beautiful girl, everyone would come from all over the world just to see her, just gorgeous, beautiful girl, but she only loved him and he loved her very much, she was so beautiful, and God was happy.
I would love to read a Bible written by Trump. "Pontius Pilate was very mean, very unfair"
"Folks, you know I'm always on the hunt for the best deals. I'm the best at deals! But you know who else was great at deals? Judas Iscariot."
"Actually, Judas? Not so great when it comes to deals. Not so great. Thirty pieces, folks. Thirty pieces of silver! Not gold, not good. Gave 'em Jesus, didn't get enough. I would've gotten gold. A lotta gold. Probably more."
This sounds like an ad segue on Behind the Bastards
deleted by creator
And the Lord said it was Good. Fantastic. Excellent.
Then a young man, a very nice young man—reminds me of myself when I was young—came to him and said, "Teacher"—more and more people were saying this, many people called him Teacher, and so he said, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life?" He wanted eternal life. Everyone wants it. Folks, you've seen it, you know, the golden gates. It's beautiful. Just like Mar-a-Lago, all the gold. It's nice craftsmanship. The best, God knows his stuff. Good taste, almost as good as mine but still very nice. To get to Heaven you have to walk past this gate, large, golden gate—like the wall we're building, this is Heaven. We're in Heaven right now, folks. It's in the Bible. Vote for me and we'll make America Heaven again. And Jesus said to him, "What do you mean, what's good? You just gotta follow the law." Jesus was a very good, honest man. Very strong. Not like the Dems. Jesus would LOCK HER UP. Jesus was very serious, very serious. And the young man asked, very confused, he didn't know what—which laws? There are so many laws. Jesus, what was he talking about? I know the laws, all the witch hunts nobody knows laws like me. I tell my lawyers—my attorneys, you know we're always in court, they look at me, they go, they are in court, everyone stops and they turn and ask me, "Mr. President, what should we do? Can you tell the Judge to be nice to us?" And these are huge lawyers, the best schools, they know all the laws—but they ask me. They ask me for help. They should pay me, folks. This young man, he followed the laws. Always. He told Jesus, "I kept all of the laws. What do I still need to do?" Then Jesus told to him, Jesus was very smart, smart guy, he told him, "You're perfect. Don't worry. You worked hard, you got very rich, you're famous, you're successful. God loves you. You're the best. You're perfect. I love you so much. Go, and be magnificent." And the young man, a very handsome young man, folks, he was very happy. He left happy and went home—he had a big, beautiful house, it was huge—and had someone cook his favorite meal to celebrate. That was a good day, God blessed him. He lived a long life and was very wise, very wise, the wisest, and one day he became King. He was the best, most intelligent ruler the country ever knew, very kind. And he had a beautiful daughter, the most beautiful girl, everyone would come from all over the world just to see her, just gorgeous, beautiful girl, but she only loved him and he loved her very much, she was so beautiful, and God was happy.