I am currently going through a lot of gender questioning, and I want to know how you all discovered your gender identities, or if you are still questioning yourself. I think that I am probably not cis, but as we all know, gender isn't black and white. I'm identifying as non-binary right now, but I have had a lot of times throughout my life, including now, where I may have wanted to be more feminine, or even a woman. Especially after lurking on this site and looking at the trans megathreads, I find myself relating to a lot of what is being said. Overall, I recently feel like I have either hit a wall or just opened up a part of myself that I thought I had already solved, so I think that the experiences of others might help me figure myself out.
P.S. I don't know if this is the appropriate comm, it made a little more sense than the trans comm, since it said it was more of a meme comm, and this is not a meme. Mods, please take it down if it's the wrong comm; I'll repost if I need to.
i wanted to be a boy when i was younger, in fact i was certain that i was. i was offended at the idea that i should be on the girls' football team, because obviously i couldn't hit a girl. i wanted to be a cowboy or a wizard or a scientist. i wanted a wife. i wanted to have a beard when i grew up (so that i could be a wizard). i remember my mother losing her mind when i referred to "the other boys" in my school, and i didn't really understand why adults kept saying i was a girl or wanting me to dress like one. in my 5th grade class we came up with the (probably transphobic now tbh) idea that i was a spy going undercover as a girl to find out what they got up to on their group bathroom trips. etc etc
but then i read Stone Butch Blues and realised that people like me exist and always have; i'm allowed to be a woman and love women, i'm allowed to be a woman and be as masculine as i like, i'm allowed to be a woman and not dress/act/talk/etc "like a woman" because there is no such thing. i'm allowed to be a woman and a scientist (and now i am!!). women like me have a history and it is proud and long and badass - and no matter what the world says there is fucking nothing wrong with being a part of it.
plus i realised that as long as i am clockably afab (which, for me, will likely be forever), i will experience sexism and be oppressed in the same way and by the same mechanisms as all other women. medically and legally, i will always be oppressed the same as women. there is no reason for me to distance myself from people who experience the same injustices as me.
(i still want my beard and superhero muscles but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ its not worth me figuring out how to get on T and spending the money and stuff. i'm just gonna go to the gym and try to learn how to love my body the way it is (which i'm certainly getting better at; nothing about the way i am makes me lesser or less masc or more deserving of objectification etc etc - society is just sexist))
i'm cis. i didn't want to be a man, i wanted to be a fucking person, we just live in a society where women are often denied that and i was too young to understand and reject sexism.
