I have seen Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace several times in the past month.

I've listened to Griffin & David's phantom podcast, I've watched the RedLetterMedia Mr. Plinkett reviews, I've listened to the Chapo commentary track. I've heard every criticism of the film said in many different ways by many different people, and I still can't stop watching Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace.

I recently watched a staged live reading of the script with esteemed actors such as Tony Hale and Haley Joel Osment (highly recommend this one btw)

Surely by now I should be tired of everything to do with Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, but no. Every time I watch the film I'm every bit in awe as I was when I watched it in theaters at the age of 6.

Every choice confounds me, every scene surprises me anew with its sheer ineptitude, every frame oozes incompetence. I should know the film by heart, but I never have any idea what's coming next, it's as if my memory is erased every time a new terrible scene begins.

As a species we have just barely begun to scratch the surface of what's wrong with this movie. I don't think we will ever come close to fully unpacking what George Lucas has done here.

Please, Lord forgive me for what I'm about to do, which is press "play" on Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. This is the last time, I promise. I just need to get this out of my system and then I'll be done forever. I can stop anytime...

oh god, oh fuck I've had the film playing on a loop for the past 48 hours. I can't tear my eyes away, I haven't eaten or slept, all I can do is watch Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, wallowing in my own filth until I inevitably die of exhaustion like in Infinite Jest. These are the last words I will ever hear:

Mesa caused mabbe one, two-y lettle bitty axadentes, huh? Yud-say boom da gassar, den crashin der boss's heyblibber, den banished

— Jar Jar Binks

wait no, I've seen the light, I know how to break free, how to escape this endless nightmare. I'm going to watch Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones

  • came_apart_at_Kmart [he/him, comrade/them]
    ·
    11 days ago

    i was like 19 when that came out and i worked in a theater for its summer run. i used to pop in the back a couple of times each shift for the darth maul fight scene, starting with the "we'll handle this / we'll take the long way" as the brass section pops off the Duel of the Fates, all the way up to the part where obi-wan pulls himself up and over to slice 'em in half.

    i have watched that fight sequence literally hundreds of times. ray park crushed that very minimal role. i used to drive star wars dorks nuts by claiming that darth maul was more of a badass than vader and "could definitely kick his ass". i would imitate vaders oafish lumbering movements and then pantomime mauls kicky kicks and spinning saber moves with my own mouth-formed sound effects.

    fun fact: obi-wan and darth maul were both played by scots! they dubbed over ray park with some englishman, because too much scots-english overwhelmed test audiences with sexual desire.

    • SorosFootSoldier [he/him, they/them]
      ·
      11 days ago

      Okay I will say this much about episode 1, that fight choreography was pretty good and I do have some nostalgia over the first movie and star wars galaxies the mmorpg taking place on naboo. Outside of that, idk I guess it had some good sets back before Lucas found out it was cheaper and easier to do everything in post with a green screen.