Not for a lack of trying, I assure you. It's just that no matter how hard I try, my mind won't accept it.
The thought of life and existence being ultimately meaningless (Something else my mind fights against, despite knowing it's true) is too much of a blow to my psyche to overcome and look at light-heartedly.
I'm just so desperate to have a purpose and meaning in my life, but at the same time I can't sincerely believe in any religion or afterlife. I try to "live in the moment" and "be happy and make others happy", but it just isn't enough. I need something more.
Edit: Thank you everyone for their responses so far, I do read them all. They give me something to ponder and think about, maybe even leading to a solution.
Play the first 3 mgs games, and happiness is a silly goal. Philosophy has made literally zero people happy. No one is happy. But existentialism means literally just fill that meaninglessness with absolutely whatever the fuck you want. Let that liberate you, it means there's no such thing as a wasted day because it's a day you were there for.
happiness is a pretty good goal imo. like not in a "hedonism is the purpose of life and we should shove people into a box and inject drugs in them" kind of way. just that it's a reasonable goal to want yourself and others to be happy and i think most people pursue that even when they tell themselves they don't. doesn't mean it's like, the only reasonable goal. or something people should feel shoehorned into arbitrarily