how do I make money as a broke, skillness loser such as myself?

In addition to lying, I think hiring types are going to sniff this or at least not smell the value that you bring. There are a lot of jobs where the skills aren't as complicated as you might think. You're perfectly capable of word processing, navigating the Internet, and concisely transferring information to interested parties. For me, there was a gap between my perception of the difficulty of skills and the banality of it all.

If you want to maximize your positive perception, you're going to need to think of the manager you'd work under. They don't really want a broke, skill-less loser. Counterintuitively, they might not even care that you're a hard worker! Think about the lazy asshole that we all are. If you had a little automaton, a little golem that did your chores, what would you want from it? You'd want to set and forget it. You'd never want to have to troubleshoot it. You'd want it to work when it's supposed to. You wouldn't want to have to tell it what needs to get done. Doing a good job is all well and good, but if it did your chores such that your parents aren't upset with you for the chores not being done, you're living on easy street!

So, do you have the requisite skills? Sure, that's what the lying is for. But a bunch of other people have those skills. What don't they have? They will continue to ask questions over and over. You? You're a quick learner who grasps the bigger picture by the end of the interview. You're someone who likes to network and always find the most relevant party and only goes to the manager when the problem requires flexing hierarchical power. You're always punctual and have a keen eye for minimizing the number of complains customers give the department. You are there to make the manager's life easier, so they can take a risk with one of those other newbies who want to bloat the workload with questions, meetings, oversight, etc. or they can go with you who knows how to put their head down and shut the fuck up.

And then adjust that frame of mind accordingly. You might do some research on the manager to try and get an advantage or think about the kind of position you're applying for. A sales position is probably different than customer service is different than an office.