[CW: Really Bad Mental Health/Passing of Someone's Family Member]
"You’re so sweet Angel"
"This is so so beautiful thank you Angel 💚💚💚 Really really sweet thank you I appreciate you so much" (regarding a love poem I wrote for her)
"Im not nice to people that don’t deserve it" (me asking why she is so nice to me)
"I love you Angel 💚"
"You are the sweetest person ever"
"I don’t think I’ve met someone with so much love before. It’s beautiful"
"Thank you Angel 💚 I’m grateful for your existence and I’m grateful to know you as your authentic self"
"You make my heart warm 💚💚💚"
"I feel like I’ve never met someone and felt so understood about everything so quickly before 😆 it’s awesome"
"You’re amazing and valuable 💚"
"I appreciate you existing"
"You care about me so much 🥹"
"You might just love and care about me more than anyone else"
Is it because I've been hated basically my entire life (especially in the context of bigotry), so I have a hard time accepting this as genuine? I don't know. We recently had a minor fallout over something, but I catastrophized the whole thing. It seems like it's actually no big deal, and she wasn't as affected by it as much as I thought she was. I felt like a monster for it, but things are seemingly back to normal?
My feelings got so bad that I was contemplating "doing bad things to myself" because I thought I upset her, and since making her happy in turn makes me happy, doing the opposite will affect me adversely as well. She seems totally fine, appreciative, and happy today, though.
The last text I have listed made me cry tears last night because I was thinking to "do bad things to myself," and it got me pondering the reality of her being affected by that. She recently lost a family member and was distraught about that. I was comforting her through that a lot, and she felt like it was a burden on me for her to cry to me about it, but it was actually the opposite. When she struggles, I want her to tell me because I want to be there for her through all negative times, no matter what. I made this clear to her, and she was so appreciative.
If she lost a family member, and she tells me, "You might just love and care about me more than anyone else," how would she feel if I did do (the whole euphemistic phrase)? My mind can be so irrational when I feel that way to a point where I, in a sense, was convincing myself that it would make her happy and be a benefit to her for me to do (the whole euphemistic phrase).
I don't know. I'm just overly dramatic. We've been romantic for a bit over a month now, and this is our first real negative moment honestly, and it lasted one night. Now, things seem "normal," but I don't know if I can look at myself the same way.
I feel like a terrible person.
This makes me sad. Some of these were from a night where we were just talking on the phone plus texting back and forth with so much enthusiasm. I'm really sad about the possibility that it's not genuine. I'm gonna cry now.
Don’t listen to me lol. I’m just cynical, pessimistic, and don’t believe in anything. I’d talk to someone with a more reasonable outlook of life and people.
I’m just saying, I would not be up talking to someone in the phone late at night if I didn’t like them
She was the only thing basically keeping me from ending my life, and now I'm gonna have a burning skepticism that's gonna make me feel to harm myself because of this, so I can't just "not listen to you." Sorry.
Speaking from personal experiences, if you place this much responsibility on another person who may not even be aware of your circumstances, they will always fall short of your expectations no matter how genuine they are.
I'm totally aware that it's not good to rely on someone else to keep your life going and that motivation should come from within, but that awareness does not make the feeling less present, especially for me who's had such terminal distress for so long. I have nobody besides her really because I lost my family over the fact that I'm trans. She said that she would be my "new family," and she has been. I'd rather have someone else prevent me from offing myself than being alone and just feeling like I should off myself with no one or nothing to turn to. Am I seeking therapy and getting help beyond this? Absolutely, but getting this kind of skepticism is not something I need right now, regardless of how much I might be able to solve this in the future.
I’m not sure if you saw the updated comment, but if you’re both up at night talking, then it’s pretty clear they care about you. Their style of messaging is just not one I vibe with. That’s all there is to my comment.
Okay, but if I'm worried about my mentality behind if this person I deeply love even loves me the same more than anything else, especially after we had a conflict, chiming in about how you think the texts look performative and fake isn't really what I need. I never felt the texts to come off as performative, and obviously, I know her more than you do. This post was just me feeling weird about my own internal psychology, saying to myself "She seems so loving, but I can't get that through my mind," on the basis of what I said about self-hatred and what not. I'm sorry, but the fact that you felt like what you said was helpful and relevant just made me psychologically apply it to the context of my own situation, hence the distress.
My apologies. I thought you were asking for perspectives
No worries. I hope you weren't feeling too stressed by my panicky reaction. I can be a very anxious person, especially in my current low mental state right now. I have a lot going on in my life even beyond this.
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I'm just gonna say that we're both zoomers who are 2 years apart.
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Also, as hard as it is to believe for someone like me, I haven't put my rizz to too much use (though she says that she thinks I have lots of rizz), so a lack of proper relationship experience can flood my mind regarding this as well. I'm also her first ever partner, so neither of us know a whole lot about this whole game.