[CW: Really Bad Mental Health/Passing of Someone's Family Member]
"You’re so sweet Angel"
"This is so so beautiful thank you Angel 💚💚💚 Really really sweet thank you I appreciate you so much" (regarding a love poem I wrote for her)
"Im not nice to people that don’t deserve it" (me asking why she is so nice to me)
"I love you Angel 💚"
"You are the sweetest person ever"
"I don’t think I’ve met someone with so much love before. It’s beautiful"
"Thank you Angel 💚 I’m grateful for your existence and I’m grateful to know you as your authentic self"
"You make my heart warm 💚💚💚"
"I feel like I’ve never met someone and felt so understood about everything so quickly before 😆 it’s awesome"
"You’re amazing and valuable 💚"
"I appreciate you existing"
"You care about me so much 🥹"
"You might just love and care about me more than anyone else"
Is it because I've been hated basically my entire life (especially in the context of bigotry), so I have a hard time accepting this as genuine? I don't know. We recently had a minor fallout over something, but I catastrophized the whole thing. It seems like it's actually no big deal, and she wasn't as affected by it as much as I thought she was. I felt like a monster for it, but things are seemingly back to normal?
My feelings got so bad that I was contemplating "doing bad things to myself" because I thought I upset her, and since making her happy in turn makes me happy, doing the opposite will affect me adversely as well. She seems totally fine, appreciative, and happy today, though.
The last text I have listed made me cry tears last night because I was thinking to "do bad things to myself," and it got me pondering the reality of her being affected by that. She recently lost a family member and was distraught about that. I was comforting her through that a lot, and she felt like it was a burden on me for her to cry to me about it, but it was actually the opposite. When she struggles, I want her to tell me because I want to be there for her through all negative times, no matter what. I made this clear to her, and she was so appreciative.
If she lost a family member, and she tells me, "You might just love and care about me more than anyone else," how would she feel if I did do (the whole euphemistic phrase)? My mind can be so irrational when I feel that way to a point where I, in a sense, was convincing myself that it would make her happy and be a benefit to her for me to do (the whole euphemistic phrase).
I don't know. I'm just overly dramatic. We've been romantic for a bit over a month now, and this is our first real negative moment honestly, and it lasted one night. Now, things seem "normal," but I don't know if I can look at myself the same way.
I feel like a terrible person.
It may be a neuro divergent thing but I have a tendency to over-analyze everything into infinity. What could I have said or done differently to get me down the good story line arc etc., even when it was legitimately not a big deal to the other person, I didn't talk to my best friend for a month or two because there had been a slightly contentious conversation and I didn't want it to develop into a larger argument... so I didn't respond because I wasn't sure what dialogue choice would get the desired outcome or even move past it. Also I think the "You can't love someone until you love yourself" is largely bullshit, but I have had relationships where I ended up leaning into coping mechanisms like drinking because I couldn't figure out what someone would see in me in the first place, and that tends to taint all of your interactions with "Why would this amazing person even give me a second glance."
I'd talk to her about your feelings.
I've been with my partner for 3 years now, and there are many times where I thought I had upset her (accidentally) beyond redemption, and have hated myself for it. However, it takes a lot of trust and faith, and that comes with time. I don't upset easily myself, but she's also felt similar.
I love my partner dearly and would trade the world for her in a heartbeat. I know what it feels like, you share happiness and sadness. My advice is to be honest to a fault and express that. Communication is above all your most helpful tool.
You've got this, she sounds wonderful and I am happy you have someone like her. Take her on a date if you can and make her feel special.
[CW: Internalized Bigotry/Self-Hatred]
Thanks for the reassurance.
I will always strive to make her feel special! I got a cool example of one thing I did for her yesterday.
She plays guitar and writes songs, mostly about vegan activism. I recently wrote a bassline for one of her songs, as her music is usually just an acoustic guitar track and vocals. She was really impressed and appreciated it a ton, especially since she claims that she "does not know music theory."
I have a very negative mind and trouble forgiving myself for making mistakes, especially since I was treated as a demonic child by my family. However, if I think rationally, having one little mishap isn't going to undo all of the positive moments we've had. In fact, it's also rational for me to remember that these conflicting moments occur in every single relationship, romantic or otherwise.
Due to my sui thoughts and tendencies, I talked to a text hotline last night that has a special focus on marginalized and intersectional individuals. The agent told me, "You'd be more of a monster if you had zero remorse about feeling like you hurt someone else," and that hit me very hard.
This also plays into internalized bigotry. I've hated myself for all of my intersections for a long time, and that includes being neurodivergent. Sometimes, I feel really inferior for saying the wrong thing without realizing it because that's a common neurodivergent tendency, and I've hated myself for being neurodivergent alongside all of my other marginalized identities since I've been aware of who I am. Hell, during these times I questioned if I even deserved her because I'm black and trans, but she is white and cis. I was thinking, "I'm way too subhuman for her, so why does she care to have me?"
Basically, this all goes back to me having a long history of poor mental health and self-hatred, but it seems that she sees our love as something much greater.
She plays guitar and writes songs, mostly about vegan activism.
Based as hell
I recently wrote a bassline for one of her songs, as her music is usually just an acoustic guitar track and vocals. She was really impressed and appreciated it a ton, especially since she claims that she "does not know music theory."
Adorable, that's incredibly sweet of you!
I have a very negative mind and trouble forgiving myself for making mistakes, especially since I was treated as a demonic child by my family. However, if I think rationally, having one little mishap isn't going to undo all of the positive moments we've had. In fact, it's also rational for me to remember that these conflicting moments occur in every single relationship, romantic or otherwise.
This is something I think everyone struggles with, the rational part of the mind isn't the one in charge of our feelings of worth, or our mental well-being. It's often more chemically driven, stress and anxiety can magnify it massively. That's something I haven't gotten better at.
This also plays into internalized bigotry. I've hated myself for all of my intersections for a long time, and that includes being neurodivergent. Sometimes, I feel really inferior for saying the wrong thing without realizing it because that's a common neurodivergent tendency, and I've hated myself for being neurodivergent alongside all of my other marginalized identities since I've been aware of who I am. Hell, during these times I questioned if I even deserved her because I'm black and trans, but she is white and cis. I was thinking, "I'm way too subhuman for her, so why does she care to have me?"
I haven't felt the same, but I do relate in other ways. I myself am white and cis, but I'm pan. I've always been pan, but I haven't allowed myself to call myself that, it always felt like stolen valor, compounded by growing up with queerphobic family that would call me "gay" (intentionally as a slur) for expressing the slightest gender nonconforming traits (fuck those
). Same with being neurodivergent, I have ADHD, and treating that as "valid" has always been something I have struggled with. That plays a ton into our perceptions of self-worth, and I very often feel like my partner deserves someone better. She also has felt that, though, for her struggles and self-perception. That's something that time and trust help ease.(I dunno, that was a ramble, you should probably ignore my yapping)
Basically, this all goes back to me having a long history of poor mental health and self-hatred, but it seems that she sees our love as something much greater.
That's wonderful to hear! I hope that in time you'll build up mutual trust and love, it sounds like you have the beginnings of a very healthy and lovely relationship!
I can't speak to why you feel that way. In my personal life, I feel like it's because I'm insecure.
You are not a terrible person :meow-hug: you're struggling.
you know the situation better of course. i grew up around charismatic people who made big declarative commitments and said all the things others wanted to hear, but behaved in total opposition and never missed an opportunity to betray anyone's trust with their actions. pretty sure it handicapped me good for certain kinds of intimacy, but it has helped me be a bit less of a sucker when it comes to assholes because i see them from the top of my high horse.
anyway, as an adult i endeavor to take people at face value and take them at their word. that said, talk--for me--will always be cheap. on the other hand, people who just sort of help people or do nice things for others (or me) just for the sake of helping, however small or innocuous, endear themselves to my heart.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
I mean, in my experiences the texts look similar to bot texts that I’ve received. So that’s why I’d be weirded out by it. The positivity just seems so oddly specific and drawn out.
This makes me sad. Some of these were from a night where we were just talking on the phone plus texting back and forth with so much enthusiasm. I'm really sad about the possibility that it's not genuine. I'm gonna cry now.
Don’t listen to me lol. I’m just cynical, pessimistic, and don’t believe in anything. I’d talk to someone with a more reasonable outlook of life and people.
I’m just saying, I would not be up talking to someone in the phone late at night if I didn’t like them
She was the only thing basically keeping me from ending my life, and now I'm gonna have a burning skepticism that's gonna make me feel to harm myself because of this, so I can't just "not listen to you." Sorry.
Speaking from personal experiences, if you place this much responsibility on another person who may not even be aware of your circumstances, they will always fall short of your expectations no matter how genuine they are.
I'm totally aware that it's not good to rely on someone else to keep your life going and that motivation should come from within, but that awareness does not make the feeling less present, especially for me who's had such terminal distress for so long. I have nobody besides her really because I lost my family over the fact that I'm trans. She said that she would be my "new family," and she has been. I'd rather have someone else prevent me from offing myself than being alone and just feeling like I should off myself with no one or nothing to turn to. Am I seeking therapy and getting help beyond this? Absolutely, but getting this kind of skepticism is not something I need right now, regardless of how much I might be able to solve this in the future.
I’m not sure if you saw the updated comment, but if you’re both up at night talking, then it’s pretty clear they care about you. Their style of messaging is just not one I vibe with. That’s all there is to my comment.
Okay, but if I'm worried about my mentality behind if this person I deeply love even loves me the same more than anything else, especially after we had a conflict, chiming in about how you think the texts look performative and fake isn't really what I need. I never felt the texts to come off as performative, and obviously, I know her more than you do. This post was just me feeling weird about my own internal psychology, saying to myself "She seems so loving, but I can't get that through my mind," on the basis of what I said about self-hatred and what not. I'm sorry, but the fact that you felt like what you said was helpful and relevant just made me psychologically apply it to the context of my own situation, hence the distress.
No worries. I hope you weren't feeling too stressed by my panicky reaction. I can be a very anxious person, especially in my current low mental state right now. I have a lot going on in my life even beyond this.
Youngish I assume. Yeah, IDK grand proclamations and youth go hand to hand. She didn't ghost her after a fight and as you said it back to normal. Sometimes you just gotta give yourself permission to believe. I know this can be hard.
Also, as hard as it is to believe for someone like me, I haven't put my rizz to too much use (though she says that she thinks I have lots of rizz), so a lack of proper relationship experience can flood my mind regarding this as well. I'm also her first ever partner, so neither of us know a whole lot about this whole game.
