[CW: Really Bad Mental Health/Passing of Someone's Family Member]
"You’re so sweet Angel"
"This is so so beautiful thank you Angel 💚💚💚 Really really sweet thank you I appreciate you so much" (regarding a love poem I wrote for her)
"Im not nice to people that don’t deserve it" (me asking why she is so nice to me)
"I love you Angel 💚"
"You are the sweetest person ever"
"I don’t think I’ve met someone with so much love before. It’s beautiful"
"Thank you Angel 💚 I’m grateful for your existence and I’m grateful to know you as your authentic self"
"You make my heart warm 💚💚💚"
"I feel like I’ve never met someone and felt so understood about everything so quickly before 😆 it’s awesome"
"You’re amazing and valuable 💚"
"I appreciate you existing"
"You care about me so much 🥹"
"You might just love and care about me more than anyone else"
Is it because I've been hated basically my entire life (especially in the context of bigotry), so I have a hard time accepting this as genuine? I don't know. We recently had a minor fallout over something, but I catastrophized the whole thing. It seems like it's actually no big deal, and she wasn't as affected by it as much as I thought she was. I felt like a monster for it, but things are seemingly back to normal?
My feelings got so bad that I was contemplating "doing bad things to myself" because I thought I upset her, and since making her happy in turn makes me happy, doing the opposite will affect me adversely as well. She seems totally fine, appreciative, and happy today, though.
The last text I have listed made me cry tears last night because I was thinking to "do bad things to myself," and it got me pondering the reality of her being affected by that. She recently lost a family member and was distraught about that. I was comforting her through that a lot, and she felt like it was a burden on me for her to cry to me about it, but it was actually the opposite. When she struggles, I want her to tell me because I want to be there for her through all negative times, no matter what. I made this clear to her, and she was so appreciative.
If she lost a family member, and she tells me, "You might just love and care about me more than anyone else," how would she feel if I did do (the whole euphemistic phrase)? My mind can be so irrational when I feel that way to a point where I, in a sense, was convincing myself that it would make her happy and be a benefit to her for me to do (the whole euphemistic phrase).
I don't know. I'm just overly dramatic. We've been romantic for a bit over a month now, and this is our first real negative moment honestly, and it lasted one night. Now, things seem "normal," but I don't know if I can look at myself the same way.
I feel like a terrible person.
Okay, but if I'm worried about my mentality behind if this person I deeply love even loves me the same more than anything else, especially after we had a conflict, chiming in about how you think the texts look performative and fake isn't really what I need. I never felt the texts to come off as performative, and obviously, I know her more than you do. This post was just me feeling weird about my own internal psychology, saying to myself "She seems so loving, but I can't get that through my mind," on the basis of what I said about self-hatred and what not. I'm sorry, but the fact that you felt like what you said was helpful and relevant just made me psychologically apply it to the context of my own situation, hence the distress.
My apologies. I thought you were asking for perspectives
No worries. I hope you weren't feeling too stressed by my panicky reaction. I can be a very anxious person, especially in my current low mental state right now. I have a lot going on in my life even beyond this.
Not to dox either of you, but how old are you both?
I'm just gonna say that we're both zoomers who are 2 years apart.
Youngish I assume. Yeah, IDK grand proclamations and youth go hand to hand. She didn't ghost her after a fight and as you said it back to normal. Sometimes you just gotta give yourself permission to believe. I know this can be hard.
Also, as hard as it is to believe for someone like me, I haven't put my rizz to too much use (though she says that she thinks I have lots of rizz), so a lack of proper relationship experience can flood my mind regarding this as well. I'm also her first ever partner, so neither of us know a whole lot about this whole game.