And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
A work like Capital may be a little much to start with and the style is a little old fashioned, but I think you're underestimating yourself. Reading any sort of non-fiction just means taking it at the pace you are comfortable with. Sometimes you have to look up a word or a phrase, sometimes you have to sleep on something and come back to it with fresh eyes -- that's fine! Understanding isn't something you get immediately -- it comes over time. If you're still intimidated, maybe try starting with something outside of direct theory. Pick a topic that you're interested in, and find a book on it. Reading is like any habit, it gets better with practice!
What if the topic is Folktales from Russia and other places? Shouldn't their short length per tale not be good for practicing reading?
Maybe we could help more if the subjects are narrowed down a bit. What were the questions you were asked? There is for sure someone who's written a good answer and further reading can be worked out from there.
If you're worried about the length, maybe find a companion to it? Like perhaps, a history of their collection and publication?
I think reading small stuff is just fine for getting practice! It will get you more comfortable with reading and build up your stamina for it just the same.
Here here! Our capitalist world works to stunt our intellectual capacity and attention spans in order to ensure we remain perfect cogs in the machine. Just the act of trying to read something more terse than marvelbrained witty oneliners in tik tok comment sections is already an excellent start to enriching your mind!