And no, I don't mean, the supposed "Playful Bullying" (that will upset me too, same with being teased), or being even lightly prodded.
The other day, I was questioned on whether I "actually am a leftist", by a friend. After I nervously answered fairly basic questions such as believing in healthcare and collective labor, they weren't convinced. Ever since that day, I felt like I couldn't be a leftist, especially since I lost any confidence in my ability to be "better" according to that person's standards. If I couldn't satisfy their standards that one time, what would be the point of trying to read theory and trying again? Yes I admit, I haven't tried to read theory. I have no confidence that I would do it correctly.
So, I was already completely lacking in confidence in actually being a good enough leftist. But after that incident where I was bullied and picked on, even for a few minutes... Something in me gave up trying to keep up with the people on this website. It also made me fear and lose confidence in trying, for fear that I would encounter other "Secret Tests of Character" like that.
I feel as though in terms of personality, I am too quiet, too shy, and I have too little to say or contribute anyways, to feel at home here. It feels as though speaking the loudest and having lots to say is what matters the most here, and that is something I cannot do.
So, given that everyone insists "read theory", which I haven't been able to, does this mean I am not at the standards I seem to see here?
I've read all three volumes of Capital, and I can confidently say reading it is something you should do eventually, but it would be counter productive to read it without already having a fairly good understanding of most of it's core concepts and having built up a tolerance for dry, difficult reading. Starting with it is the theory equivalent of trying to read Ulysses as your first novel or playing battletoads as your first videogame.
Also, I've talked to people who haven't read it in its entirety but definetly understand it better than I do.
There is a new translation of it into English that just came out that's supposed to be a lot easier to understand but I personally haven't checked it out yet.
Paul Reitter's recent translation is really good! I think it's a much more approachable translation for modern readers, and it's the only translation in English that's based on that last (4th) German edition of the book.
Having said that, my personal copy of Capital is from 1906 with some beautifully penciled marginalia from the comrade who originally owned it, and I can't bring myself to replace it or justify buying yet another copy just to loan out or reference corrections that were already penciled in to my copy in the margins.
That is so cool.