So, back when I was "still cis tho", there were a lot of aspects of male gender norms that bothered me deeply and of course I totally understand why now. Even though these days I obviously have a clear reason for feeling that way, I'm still curious if cishet men also have issues with how norms or expectations around gender and sexuality impact them in a negative way.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on how those norms impact you, whether good or bad.
Also, I should mention that since this is a bit of a sensitive subject we're talking about here, please be thoughtful and sensitive when discussing with others in this thread. Thanks! <3
EDIT: Much thanks for all the great responses here! I know it's a difficult topic of course, so I appreciate you sharing your thoughts/feelings like this.
Speaking of which... I just looked at /c/menby and some of the posts on the front page there are over 2 years old. I see a lot of the discussion here centered around not being able to share feelings and/or not having the spaces or support to do that in. /c/menby seems like the perfect place for that, just sayin'.
I've been doing so much thinking about this ever since that book club started. I have this rule of thumb about not declaring something a gender issue if it's something that both shitty men and shitty women do. So, for example, the major through lines of my thoughts about how I feel disposable I believe are capable of being transposed onto a woman's POV. I think most people have had feelings like those around them don't believe they are worth being listened to. Therefore ones sense of self is developed in spite of those people is a tale as old as time. For example, there's the power fantasy (that sometimes comes to fruition in my line of work) that you could have listened to me earlier for a reasonable price and now you have to pay a fuck-you price now that you're imperiled. That doesn't have a gender attached to it as far as I'm concerned.
I actually have a few friends I have spoken to in depth about emotional topics, so I don't have the typical talking point. I think my emotional maturity was delayed by inherited beliefs about gender norms and currents of sexism, but I always got to talk through it. I have issues with authority because I didn't really get that relief from my parents or authority figures in my youth. It's weird though - whenever I see a woman being super standoffish or I get a match on a dating app from someone who touts themselves as super talkative who only gives one word answers I don't feel harmed. I feel pity. Like some kind of gender norm or conditioning has clouded you so profoundly that you can't even see me when I'm right in front of you. Like I'm not the victim, you are. You have to do some quick calculation about my visage and you get some number that I'm too big a risk to engage with so it's better to cringe out. It's so funny because if your friend introduced us and we were in the exact same position you'd open up and we'd have a perfectly good conversation. I could even point to a moment where a woman was roasting my tinder profile with her friends only for them to recognize me and invite me over to play Mario Party. It's all so deeply unserious for me - as Itachi said "appearances and preconceptions aren't going to tell you anything[1]."
I feel like the beneficiary of patriarchy because I'm able bodied, strong, and unburdened. The car mechanic is fair to me. I don't have an implicit fear of violence that gets reinforced as I walk around. I was joking around with a guy I only kind of know at a party recently. He wanted me to lose in Smash, I won, I flipped him off, and he grabbed my finger. He says something to the effect of "do you know what I could do to this finger?" I go "idk," keep giggling, and move on. The remark did not register with me, plain and simple, until I reflected on how it was a threat of violence (of dubious seriousness). I fight and study fighting enough to know that the answer is actually "not much, you'd much rather have the wrist."
If I've learned anything, it's that I'll be humble and thankful for being who I am. I'll use it to advocate for communism and advocate for reading One Piece. And, of course, make sure that the people who come into my life to share my values, time, and space are appreciated with all the strength I can muster
spoiler
because I bet you had to do a bunch of complicated calculations to believe it was worth perceiving me.
[1] That Itachi monologue which resonates if you squint your eyes
Why don't you just come out and say it? You believe I had a hand in this, don't you? Like I said before, appearances and preconceptions aren't going to tell you anything. For instance, you made the mistake of assuming I'm a patient man. The clan, the clan - you overestimate your own abilities with no idea of the depth of my own. And look at you now, groveling in the dirt - obsessed with the organization, obsessed with the clan, obsessed with our lineage. A worthless compulsion that enslaves us. All it does is limit our capabilities. And that in turn leads us to fear what you don't understand.