Wow. WHAT A FUCKING TRIP. Ill start with the good stuff first, then give yall some stories.

Most importantly - I'm on my second week of sobriety, and despite sleep issues (and what feels like a cold from how goddamn stuffy that building was), I am happier than I've felt in years. I checked myself out early and am staying until Tuesday with another sober friend who actually lives a few blocks from where I stayed, so I just walked over when I got out. Laying in her bed now, the sun is coming up, im tired but this is a beautiful moment that I wouldn't have appreciated before. I normally would have just shut my eyes, groaned, and gone back to sleep. Friend also commented "holy shit you're actually smiling now!"

I think, despite not doing the full program, I got what I needed. To those familiar with recovery, I absolutely felt that "awakening" that people talk about. I don't ever wanna fucking go back there.

Now, a few stories! I went to what is, apparently, the best state run facility in the country, or one of, since it's in my city. I was in a mens recovery ward (had my choice of mens or womens due to my indentity upon intake, but didnt want my presence to cause trouble so I went with how I present), along with about 25 other patients. Being my first rehab stint, and Lenin willing, only stint, I didn't know what to expect. Ever see Orange Is The New Black? Shit you not, that show was not fucking far off from my experience. Fucking cast of characters. I did make a few friends, some of which will hopefully be staying with my for a bit when they're on this side, and im happy about that. But let's see...the bad stuff. Aside from the building being the stuffiest and driest place ever, we had, in 5 days:

An SA An HIV diagnosis A crooked counselor Racism Homophobia from a staff member Stolen meds And I stayed longer than planned yesterday to help organize a potential hunger strike. Not kidding. Public shitting Lots of shower sex A barter system I never got the hang of Perpetually dirty showers A severe lack of snacks and coffee Prison food (more later) And a whole list of strict rules to abide by.

I'm sure theres more, but it's early and I'm still waking up. As for myself, I'm missing some meds that were promised to me (not a huge deal), they lost all my clothes for 3 days, and I never got assigned a counselor. Kind of just slipped through the cracks a little bit, but hey - 12 hours of group therapy a day did me a ton of good, even if I didn't get to meet 1:1 with someone. Some of the others there were fresh from prison or jail, and said in a lot of ways, that place was worse. For me, the boredom between and after group sessions, especially at night, was the worst part. At night, I roomed with 2 senior citizens, one of which was hallucinating bugs in our room (I believed him the first night) and would sit up and watch me sleep while talking to himself and moving around/in/out if the room, keeping me up for hours each night.

Every day was strictly regimented, and we all had to be in every meeting every day. We all ate and smoked at the same time. Think we only got a total of about 45 minutes outside at a time each day, less than the stereotypical "hour in the yard." Everyone in my unit was given undersized (based on the established menu) food portions daily, of super shit food, and yesterday that came to a head with collective action of the entire floor signing an official grievence report. I used my union organizing knowledge to prep everyone for next steps in case that goes nowhere, and we did discuss a hunger strike option at my suggestion, as that will force the state governor to get involved (reconfirmed by another person). I trust the bois to do what's right, and the person who I asked to be the leader is v trustworthy, I think.

My mind is still decompressing so I'll probably add a comment with more later as things come back to me. The last thing - the first friend I made there is....let's say, a film actor. I'll leave it at that.

We've started working on a pilot for a comedy/drama show about our time in there! He has connections, so im hopeful that this might actually go somewhere!

Thank you all so much for the support. Hexbear, I fucking love you so much ❤️