Wow. WHAT A FUCKING TRIP. Ill start with the good stuff first, then give yall some stories.
Most importantly - I'm on my second week of sobriety, and despite sleep issues (and what feels like a cold from how goddamn stuffy that building was), I am happier than I've felt in years. I checked myself out early and am staying until Tuesday with another sober friend who actually lives a few blocks from where I stayed, so I just walked over when I got out. Laying in her bed now, the sun is coming up, im tired but this is a beautiful moment that I wouldn't have appreciated before. I normally would have just shut my eyes, groaned, and gone back to sleep. Friend also commented "holy shit you're actually smiling now!"
I think, despite not doing the full program, I got what I needed. To those familiar with recovery, I absolutely felt that "awakening" that people talk about. I don't ever wanna fucking go back there.
Now, a few stories! I went to what is, apparently, the best state run facility in the country, or one of, since it's in my city. I was in a mens recovery ward (had my choice of mens or womens due to my indentity upon intake, but didnt want my presence to cause trouble so I went with how I present), along with about 25 other patients. Being my first rehab stint, and Lenin willing, only stint, I didn't know what to expect. Ever see Orange Is The New Black? Shit you not, that show was not fucking far off from my experience. Fucking cast of characters. I did make a few friends, some of which will hopefully be staying with my for a bit when they're on this side, and im happy about that. But let's see...the bad stuff. Aside from the building being the stuffiest and driest place ever, we had, in 5 days:
An SA An HIV diagnosis A crooked counselor Racism Homophobia from a staff member Stolen meds And I stayed longer than planned yesterday to help organize a potential hunger strike. Not kidding. Public shitting Lots of shower sex A barter system I never got the hang of Perpetually dirty showers A severe lack of snacks and coffee Prison food (more later) And a whole list of strict rules to abide by.
I'm sure theres more, but it's early and I'm still waking up. As for myself, I'm missing some meds that were promised to me (not a huge deal), they lost all my clothes for 3 days, and I never got assigned a counselor. Kind of just slipped through the cracks a little bit, but hey - 12 hours of group therapy a day did me a ton of good, even if I didn't get to meet 1:1 with someone. Some of the others there were fresh from prison or jail, and said in a lot of ways, that place was worse. For me, the boredom between and after group sessions, especially at night, was the worst part. At night, I roomed with 2 senior citizens, one of which was hallucinating bugs in our room (I believed him the first night) and would sit up and watch me sleep while talking to himself and moving around/in/out if the room, keeping me up for hours each night.
Every day was strictly regimented, and we all had to be in every meeting every day. We all ate and smoked at the same time. Think we only got a total of about 45 minutes outside at a time each day, less than the stereotypical "hour in the yard." Everyone in my unit was given undersized (based on the established menu) food portions daily, of super shit food, and yesterday that came to a head with collective action of the entire floor signing an official grievence report. I used my union organizing knowledge to prep everyone for next steps in case that goes nowhere, and we did discuss a hunger strike option at my suggestion, as that will force the state governor to get involved (reconfirmed by another person). I trust the bois to do what's right, and the person who I asked to be the leader is v trustworthy, I think.
My mind is still decompressing so I'll probably add a comment with more later as things come back to me. The last thing - the first friend I made there is....let's say, a film actor. I'll leave it at that.
We've started working on a pilot for a comedy/drama show about our time in there! He has connections, so im hopeful that this might actually go somewhere!
Thank you all so much for the support. Hexbear, I fucking love you so much ❤️
A total institution ends up recreating the conditions of a prison???
But seriously, glad things are going well with you and glad you're out
CW Transphobia, hospital abuse
Checked myself into the hospital for mental health reasons and it was the absolute worst 3 days of my life. Basically after saying I had SI, they wouldn't let me leave with the threat that if I was to check myself out they'd just get a court order to keep me. From there I was regularly misgendered and when I got upset they threatened that I'd have to stay longer, called security on me when I got angry after being in a holding cell for like 20 hours. Got diagnosed as bipolar despite having no symptoms of mania and nobody informed my family they could visit so they were under the assumption that they couldn't thus I spent the entire time feeling like I had been abandoned by my family. Spent 90% of my time in my room overall and it was one of the nurses told me that if I left my room they could talk it up and probably get the doc to release me. Still sometimes get really anxious when I think about it and have since become awful at going to any medical facility I'm not actually working at.
I was once institutionalized... forcibly.
Not an experience I'd like to repeat.
When I was having a mental break bc of a bad medication I checked myself into a mental hospital on the advice of my psychiatrist and I was expecting it to feel like a hospital, which sounded great; I felt sick and I feel safe in hospitals. But it felt much more like a prison than a hospital. Fuck that place and fuck the monsters who work there.
"And I stayed longer than planned yesterday to help organize a potential hunger strike."
You have my respect in this.
But holy shit, what a horrible time, given what you described.
I hate state-run wards.
It got better as the days went on. I think I could have stayed longer easily, but shit seemed like it was becoming a powder keg and I wasn't being held there by courts or anything, so I left. Also have IRL stuff to tend to that is just gonna get worse and worse the longer I stayed in.
Not to say I didnt put in the effort or don't feel like I've been helped!
My friend just told me again "youve smiled more in the past 12 hours than the whole time I've known you"
Maybe it's because I was forcibly institutionalized against my will at one point, but honestly, these wards, asylums, and in-patient hospitals should be reformed in a major way ASAP. Frankly, I'm all about "mad pride;" somebody should start a movement for the rights of psychiatrist patients and those in in-patient facilities, if one hasn't been started already. I cannot abide by how shoddily run and abusive some of these places are, especially where I live.
Oh absolutely. Things could have been so much worse, and you're absolutely right that change needs to happen immediately.
Fair enough. Yes, things could be worse, and we should be thankful for that.
Hell, people fought before us so things wouldn't have been as bad then. So I get that.
Anyway, glad you're out. That's what matters.
Hell as just a first very easy step that requires nothing but building more physical structures, no shared bedrooms in psych facilities. Making me share a bedroom with a random stranger made my mental health much much worse, not better.
If people got their own rooms, groups like this would have MUCH better dynamics. Holy shit that alone would work wonders for people.
Frankly, I'm all about "mad pride;" somebody should start a movement for the rights of psychiatrist patients and those in in-patient facilities
I actually did a bit of research on this very topic a couple of years ago, and there is a rich and varied strain of exactly the sort of activism you're talking about including the use of the phrase "mad pride"
That's what I was referencing, though I'm only familiar with the 70s and 80s movements.
Also, of course your name would be "Foucault."
In my nursing education we were directed to do a project during our mental health class about the realities of asylums and I think the professors never looked beyond the first 3 pages because once you got a bit further on the website it was pretty hardcore advocating for a change in the way we view mental health and that classifying someone as broken because they see the world differently inevitably causes more harm. They just wanted a simple "look at the horrors of the past and hope not to repeat them today" but these conditions continue to this day. I remember a news article at the time as well talking about how a group had some people go into institutions and say they had an illness and then never present symptoms again and the amount that were kept was deeply alarming.
say they had an illness and then never present symptoms again and the amount that were kept was deeply alarming.
ok but that's like lying and saying you have cancer and being like "these fascist doctors still think my cells are potential tumors"
Idk if you're keeping someone against their will on the basis that they're a danger, at the very very least you should probably have to actually see them present a danger. Mental health professionals (especially inpatient) are primed to see any action but meek obedience by patients as a sign of illness and any sign of illness as a sign of danger
And like, yeah, if my doctors weren't able to find physical symptoms of cancer I would hope they were at least entertaining other possibilities!
the first friend I made there is....let's say, a film actor. I'll leave it at that.
(whispers) "its one of the lesser Hemsworths"
Rehabs suck, buy man my last one I was at sounds like a resort in comparison to that place! Anyway glad your okay and sober, that's the important part and seriously congrats on that, wishing you many years of sobriety. Give the pup a smooch for me.
Congrats on sobriety! I'm glad you're safe and doing okay enough to smile
Could you repost your bandcamp or whatever it was? I had been meaning to listen to the music you've shared before but I might have lost track of the link . . .
Thanks comrade!
Im at plagueofcarcosa.bandcamp.com (real name not used for band stuff)
Idk if I came across your music independently or if I checked it out the last time you posted here but Rats in the Walls is in my liked songs :) thanks for the music!
glad you're feeling better
careful with having your buddies stay with you when they get out tho, getting a bunch of newly out of rehab folks together can be a recipe for relapses
I offered to 3 people and don't intend to have more than one over at a time, for just a few days apiece.
I'll be sure to keep that in mind! I wanted to be nice, but you do raise a great point.
Naw, dude was talking about the time he spent there and "Palestinian terror attacks"
We're happy to have you back and that you found some good in the facility and in yourself
I am much less angry than I've been in....maybe since ever. Thanks for the kind words!
I'm happy for you and kind of proud of you for going through with it, but reading this account, I'm not at all surprised that addiction is such a huge problem in the US. Real
hours.Yeah, its...bad here. Thanks for the kind words and support though!
Oh yeah, and:
Welcome back, comrade.
You've always been a great friend of mine.
Good to hear from you! The experience sounds harrowing but your recovery sounds hopeful.
