After seeing some threads it's clear that there are chapos here who need a mentor in the romantic arts (tm). Pitch me your best Q's and I'll spit my best A's.
I've been a professional dating coach and matchmaker for the last 6 years.
edit: Wrapped up for now. Thanks everyone and good luck out there, you can do it!
How do I signal disinterest to guys who I think are attracted to me? How do I turn down men? Both with an eye toward safety. I feel like I'm groping in the dark.
I put "polyam" on tinder. And people in the kink scene know our deal. But how do I go about doing that in real life, to potential hook ups?
"Hey, can I buy you a drink? I'm in a polyam relationship, my fianceé and their girlfriend are over there, but don't worry we aren't unicorn hunters" feels clunky
Alright, this is a tough one. For rejecting guys you really have to be direct and kinda blunt about it. This doesn't mean that you have to be cruel for no reason, but men have been taught by our society that if someone rejects them and levels even a little ambiguity that means that they need to peruse you harder. It's fucked, misogynistic, and men need to do better, but it's what we're working with right now.
The only way to short circuit that is to be direct about your feelings. Having that ambiguity to try and make them more comfortable can often end up making you more uncomfortable because they don't respect the boundary you've laid down. Even if you're being direct the uncomfortable fact is that some men will continue to hit on you and make advances. For those men, I unironically recommend mace.
For how polyam stuff relates to hookups, I personal find that being direct about it from the earliest appropriate point is best. That's not saying you need to say "I have people I'm dating" as an opener, but that should be something you address early on.
Some people are not a fan of it for a variety of reasons, but in my experience if you make it clear you're not cheating on your partners and that this is a dynamic everyone on your end is comfortable with, most people won't care. If you're looking to find people to have group dates / sex with things definitely get a bit clunkier, but again that open communication is the best way to play it.
Outright saying "hi my partners would all like to fuck you with me here's what we're looking for" will probably intimidate people outside of kink communities, but if you approach it by establishing a connection and then mentioning that goal people are more comfortable.
What I usually do with anything "atypical" with romance and sex is stating needs/boundaries broadly up front. From there, you can answer questions that someone has to give them a more specific understanding.
Too much information all at once is uncomfortable. Allow someone time to process a dynamic they might not have been expecting at a pace they're more comfortable. This isn't to say that you can't do this at a bar with someone you just met either, but it is the difference between a giant information dump and a 10-15 minute conversation over drinks.
Yeah, so I need to reverse my approach. I'm a pretty direct person but I try to be very nice with my directness about letting dudes down.
Already got mace, but I appreciate the advice.
No one in our polycule goes looking for group sex, just happens sometimes. Not the sort to seek it out, because the power dynamic is really fucked up that way.
I guess I worry I tell people too early? Or it might be easier when I'm actually married, because I can say "my wife" instead of "my fianceé" and not have people assume I'm a minion for a dude unicorn hunting before I can explain