i feel like this is a thing with white queers in general, especially if they had a "conservative phase"

Pinkwashing (which really is just whitewashing but for queers) has done wonders in preventing intersectionality in predominantly white queer communities. It manifests in different levels and is probably just due to USonian propaganda of white civility being ingrained in all aspects of white establishment society.

FURTHER CONTEXT one of the reason we originally stopped being friends was in part because she tried to tell me not too identify as black because "were just people labels are reductive"

Oh nah, she sucks, giving off real "why are you a muslim if you're gay?" vibes. Intersectionality only for me but not for thee.