Look, I know I already made a post about this here and it seems like I fixed it, but I kind of didn't. Someone on that post commented that I should just read with one eye closed and that should fix it, but I failed to mention that it just doesn't make sense... Mentally.
I'll read a sentence and it just won't make any sense to me. I can recall a time where this happened and it was a sentence along the lines of "She was taking out the trash." Or something like that, and I remember it just didn't make sense. I know I already said I don't think this is Dyslexia in the last post but I'm kind of starting to think it is.
I do this thing with numbers where say it'll be a number like 76 and I'll think it says 67. I'll read it as 67 and think of it as 67. This happens a lot and actually fucks up my math grade sometimes If I don't catch myself. I also have trouble pronouncing names or words as well which I believe is a trait of dyslexia.
I also do the following frequently:
Difficulty summarizing a story. Difficulty doing math word problems (hence, reversing numbers and thinking sentences don't make sense.)
I'm going off of a Mayo Clinic "Symptoms of Dyslexia" website in teens sooo.
But I'm not a doctor and I'm kind of iffy on self-diagnosing 'cause it's like.. Taboo I guess? Again I'm not even entirely sure it's Dyslexia.
I have add and I get that or something similar where I can hear or read words but get like this mental "...buffering..." feeling until my brain finally deigns to interpret the signals it got.
But sometimes it happens that the signal that my brain buffered before interpretation get altered and I don't notice it. For example my wife might tell me to empty the dishwasher. Then when I tell my wife that the dishwasher is already empty she will swear high and low that she said laundry machine. I could swear she said dishwasher, in fact I will have the memory of her saying it, but I know that my cognitive process wasn't really all that reliable when she said it which is why I believe her memory of that over my own.
And if I'm really not feeling it my brain might just refuse to interpret. I will stare at a sentence and I will know that the meaning is apparent but still I will not be able to decipher it.
That bad is typically a sign that I had forgotten to eat, or am sleep deprived or really stressed out even though I don't feel like it. For me I have this mental checklist (eat, drink, go outside, 8h of sleep) of the vital chores I need to run to take care of my body and every time I will find something I had neglected.
It got better with medication and a weekly plan where these chores are planned for. And its worse if I had a lot of sugar or fatty stuff to eat (animal fat was particularly problematic, so double the reason for my attempt at veganism).
Or I'm talking out of my ass and completely missed the point of your post that happens frequently as well, sorry if so.
Don't worry you're not talking out of your ass lol. I appreciate anything that anybody can come up with/have an Idea and recognize this.
I do the same thing with my Mother when she tells me to do something, though I do not have ADD. I'm not sure If this is the same thing but If my Mother asks me a question and I guess I answer? But I don't remember saying anything at all. She'll recall to me that I said 'yes' to whatever she inquired me about, but I won't remember answering at all.
As for mental checklists sleeping-wise, I have off-and-on Insomnia and recently came off a "tangent" (Not sure what to call it.) I either didn't get any sleep at all or sleep like 3 hours.
Oh yeah all the time. I have an autopilot mode that will guide me through life while my mind is free to wander. I can do basic smalltalk and often even my wife doesn't notice. Really hard to turn off when I'm tired and often I won't notice I am on autopilot.
I mean it sounds very much like what I have and what I have is ADD. I didn't get a diagnosis when I got tested as a kid, but years later as an adult. But ADD aside, sleep deprivation will absolutely do awful things to your mind and mental health. I saw in your other response that your grades suffer because of it, which as a parent I would worry about in my kid. That could be a selling point to your mom that your situation won't improve without professional help, because it very much sounds like it won't.
Also be aware that these tricks your mind plays on you make you super vulnerable to gaslighting. So be watchful who's memory you trust over your own.
I do something like autopilot as well.
I do this a lot but I wouldn't really call it autopilot as I don't regularly talk during it. What happens is like I start looking at something and my vision gets kind of blurry around the edges or my entire vision goes blurry. When I start staring/looking at something it's kind of like a focal point I just can't look away. And I guess I start thinking of stuff but I don't really remember what I was thinking about at all. My brain gets kind of cottony. And when I start looking/staring at something I absolutely cannot look away unless I force myself extremely hard. I do this around my family or alone frequently. I do this during conversation too and when I'm expected to talk I only say things like "Okay." or "Yeah."
I never really thought about gaslighting before, thanks for that. I have a really bad memory as well, it's almost like amnesia.
I'm not even really sure what happens when I'm on "autopilot". I've only ever been professionally diagnosed with OCD and Depression It's not really something I ever talk about with my family and they don't really ever recognize it. I've tried to talk about it with my Mother but she downplays it most of the time or scolds me for "turing something small into a problem."
I'm sorry about your family and that you aren't getting the support you need and deserve. I'm not sure how much you are able to take into your own hands with regards to scheduling doctor appointments, do you maybe have a school counselor or other adult you can trust and can confide in?
I'm sorry to say that from my experience it won't get better on its own. I have tortured myself trying to "just sit down and study" and felt like a complete failure when I couldn't. It came to the point where I was hoping it was an undiagnosed brain tumor or something that blocked me because I felt that it wasn't something to do with me, but the evidence kept piling up that I was a failure.
Until I went to a doctor years after my first non-diagnosis who again said I didn't have ADD but I didn't feel seen or heard. She gave me some antidepressants and that's all. So I went and got another opinion. I told her that I wasn't looking for a doctor to give me the diagnosis I "already concluded" but that there is something going on and this was the next best explanation I had. If she agreed that I didn't have ADD that's fine, but there's something going on and I demand a proper diagnosis and won't settle with "depression".
I'm not trying to push you into saying you have ADD but sharing my experience with it, because whatever it is you're struggling with needs to be diagnosed before it can be treated. And if you are trying to the point of torture and failing its not with you, there is something else going on. A lot of mundane stuff that is so much harder for neurodivs is difficult for neurotyps as well which is why they keep saying shit like "well thats hard for everyone" or "not everything in your life is going to be fun you have to learn to do the boring stuff as well" because that's what worked for them. But that advice is as helpful as telling a visually impaired person to "just look". They may be not fully blind but if they have vision problems "just looking" is going to be a lot more difficult and might require special assistance.
But the neurotyps can't relate to that and so might insist that its just something you have to go through and some might be of the opinion that the consequences you face might teach you not to be lazy or whatever even though your already giving it your all. Its very damaging.
As for the searching for stuff thing, point at the surface you want to scan and move your arm as you're scanning. Its easier to slow down your arm and focus on what your pointing at than slowing down where your focus shifts to on its own. Look at the items individually and say "not my pencilcase" or whatever, rather than trying to quickly discard objects by shape or color without fully realizing what they are. It takes longer that way but is a lot less stressful than jumping between 4 surfaces three times over until you find what you are looking for.
I think you misread what I said, I don't have much problem searching for stuff, just that I go "autopilot" as well.
I know that it won't get better on its own, most of my mental illness (depression + severe social anxiety) I get from my Mother so I've seen it first hand. I've always had really bad trouble adjusting and learning basic things (proper speech, basic math, reading.) At one point, it was so bad that my teachers wanted to put me on medication to "make me focus in class". My family, especially my Mother always passed it off that I was a "late bloomer" and always saying I'll "get it sometime."
I do online school as well, which I expected to be easier than going to an In-person-school but it was a lot worse because I'm surrounded by things I want to procrastinate with and get distracted with even more.
Yeah I have misread what you wrote, apologies.
It sucks to have parents who don't take mental health seriously, I don't know where that denial is coming from but I know its nigh impossible to go against. I hope you get to a place where you can heal soon.
You are not alone. Your struggles are real and not your fault.
Don't worry, happens all the time.
Thank you so much, comrade. It's so nice to have a place to talk about stuff like this and to have people relate.