Nobody speaks this way, it's not how anyone communicates
Well, evidently at least one person communicates this way. Regardless, writing in ways other than exact imitations of verbal speech isn't a "problem".
A letter should be
A letter doesn't really have to be anything outside of a few loose requirements like being addressed to someone. And given that this is being written to the dean of America's most prestigious school, I don't think some flowery diction is out of place for the audience.
Well, evidently at least one person communicates this way. Regardless, writing in ways other than exact imitations of verbal speech isn't a "problem".
A letter doesn't really have to be anything outside of a few loose requirements like being addressed to someone. And given that this is being written to the dean of America's most prestigious school, I don't think some flowery diction is out of place for the audience.