Some of you might be surprised to know, but living in America kinda makes you feel bad. It just socks. It's sad. It's hard. It's hard and there's nobody for you. You have to try so hard to find a helping hand to get a second of somebody's time and when you're fuckinf nereodiveregent and you haven't come to terms with it It's even harder when you can't even get yourself the help you need because the fucking labyrinthine welfare and Healthcare and clusterfuck of everything designed to make you give up. Fuck .
I'm still trying to un-learn all the horrible social lessons that were metaphorically beaten into me as a child like "I'm not allowed to have feelings" or "I'm disgusting and should hide from everyone" or "I'm not perfect enough to deserve love" and man is it fucking hard when I have to pay for therapy out of pocket and i have to spend like $300 a month on gas just to fucking get to work and back and have some pathetic semblance of a social life for a few hours once or twice a month
I feel it I gave up on therapy back when I had insurance that covered it because of the quality of therapy offered. The thing about gas sucks and is why I'm hesitant to get invested in driving and a vehicle even though it would open opertunities because I'm not in a city or anything. I hate car culture and just spent a year In a place that was even worse than I'm used to about being livable without a car so I'm feeling more grateful for the limited options of the other place.
We are all products of our environment, and the US is a shitty environment
Yeah and generational trauma and struggle from getting fucked here for a long time doesn't help. Also holy crap dirt owl commented on my post I'm blessed
Occasionally while talking with my partner I will just lose it and snap that I hate this place, that it's hell and I hate that I live here.
We have a kid now and I worry that this may negatively affect their development.
Well it's good for then to know when problems are systemic and from the environment and circumstances so they don't internalize it as their fault as an individual
Sad to say that I relate to all of this. "Why does it take extraordinary levels of executive function to get help with my executive function disorder?!?" is a question I have asked myself and the universe so many times.
