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I sometimes really want to emigrate. I'm not sure if this site and a few others have brainwashed me with communist brainworms but I can't help feeling that this country just sucks ass. I don't like the people all that much, I don't like the weird racialized dynamic, I don't like being treated differently just because of my skin color despite pledging allegiance to the same stupid flag everyone else did everyday
Like just thinking about not having health insurance in a few months because of no longer being covered by my dads plan is like, what the fuck. I want to try to get diagnosed with ADHD and I basically won't because I put it off so long not realizing I may have it. My older brother insists that I don't actually need health insurance, and that the USA has more freedoms than Europe and that everything south of the border is basically a savage wasteland because "Mexicans are quitters" and all this other shit insisting that racism isn't real and that Mexican Americans are just brown white people and you just gotta act white.
It's late and I can't collect my thoughts all that great, but as I get older there's just so many things that piss me off. The overall attitudes towards the poor, including towards themselves (my older brother blaming my parents poverty on poor choices as opposed to both of them being raised by illiterate parents in 3rd world slums and then immigrating to this dump), the weird bootstraps rhetoric, the weird loneliness despite how fucking crowded it is here sometimes, the unwillingness to do anything positive ever because I mean you just can't...
The rest of the West doesn't seem much better in that regard, nor does anywhere else really since capitalism is essentially world dominating but I've just been deeply disillusioned by the last two years, and I was already growing increasingly unsatisfied before that. I would just sit in traffic on the way to school and think, "is this all there fucking is? Just sitting in my car and going to some shitty job that I don't even like?"
I kinda just want to leave but sometimes when I think about all this communism shit I think I've just gone completely off the deep end. TrueAnon? Citations Needed? Alan Dershowitz? Allende? The Right to Be Lazy? C-M-C? Adrian Zenz? are any of those things real?
I genuinely hate working. I'm a bit strange in that I have some views that would be considered idealist but like, why does no one else seem as ridiculously unhappy with this whole country and way of life as I am? Ever since I started working, I've always thought: "Does everyone just accept the fact that we're meat-robots who will pass into a dreamless night after working the drive thru for FORTY FUCKIN YEARS?"
Does no one ever stop to like think about what it means to be human? All of this seems insane to me. Most people seem to be happy here. They have freedom, there is no authoritarian regime watching our every move and there is a McDonalds on every street corner. Am I the insane one?
I think I'm too emotional, too bleeding heart. I think I should follow my brothers advice and finish my degree and just accept that some people make bad choices and should be condemned to suffering for the rest of their brief lives, and never question my own station or relation to this weird structure that seems to have always been here.
in Limmy voice
Ah don't get it.
Hey sorry you're having such a hard time, I get it and I'm right there with you. Woke up this morning and within five minutes of thinking about my own situation, started to panic a little bit about the dystopia we're living in, and how I'm seemingly one misstep away from being ground up in the cogs.
You might want to chill on being online for a while, it's pretty bad for your health. I got pretty well roasted on a utopian forum for "shilling for communism," and it affected me emotionally more than it probably should have. Feels like being stabbed in the back when it comes from other socialists.
It'll make you feel crazy and wonder whether you've been brainwashing yourself. I think of it more like a phase, where if you're going to question things and push back against the toxic optimism and capitalist realism, that's going to lead you to some extreme opinions and some inevitable arguments.
You've got to stay grounded in reality and realize that these are global problems, and even if you've got the right idea about leaving, a lot of people are going through the same thing right now. And when it comes down to it, humans collectively haven't really figured out how to do better yet.
And yet, people have this need to feel normal and valid, part of society and not an outcast, and this is what's behind the drive towards conformity and like your older brother's denial.
Not sure what else to say apart from I feel you big time and maybe try logging off for a bit and taking up a cardio activity like running, boxing, gardening, etc. If you're already doing these things then you can always add another one, it's healthy. This has the benefit of giving yourself an opportunity to, uh, take a break from your brother's deal while helping your adhd.
Good luck to you, take care of yourself, the world needs more thoughtful and sensitive people like you.