I've been feeling like I fucking brainwashed my self and honest to god sometimes I feel like I'm just a red version of Nazi. Before you hit me I don't think we're as bad as Nazis but like.....I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if we're wrong and we actually are just like jealous of the wealthy and the world is indeed a fair, equitable place where you can become prosperous if you work hard enough.
I think I struggle with these doubts a lot because I went from being sucked into the whole 4chan reactionary thing just from a "contact high" from when I still used that shitty website but it never felt right to me and when I read Estranged Labor I'm like "wait this dude spittin straight facts, more than (((da jooz))) nonsense" and pretty much instantly abandoned my old worldview and felt really lost until I discovered all these fucked up websites and well...now I got a bunch of communist songs in my likes. Sometimes I just feel like I went in the opposite direction, and have to wonder if it's even possible to arrive at an objective "truth" or model of the world, and if a lot of the reasons why Marxism seems intuitively correct to me are largely born out of my own particular experiences, which always feel to me like they can't be all that common. It all just seems so obvious now but I still think: "what if I'm we stretch the truth and make shit up in the same way reactionaries do?"
I don't know. I sometimes feel like I'm not right in the head when I think shit like "damn landlords should be thrown into a pit" or "billionaires aren't human" or "dead cops, dead cops, army of the rich, we'll piss on your grave, won't be your slave!" because of how extreme it is.
I mean I can't really function at work anymore, I just think all this shit is absurd. It always feels like, "are people just dumb or blind? Do they not get it? I got it even before I read theory!" and then I just feel like I'm off in my own unreality where billionaire pedophiles blast off into space during a pandemic and everything really sucks.
I think I'm just going to pick up reefer.
I mean I think it's a crucial problem that most revolutionaries, especially if genuinely materialist, should always be returning to: how much of this is really a personal jihad I've embarked on to deal with the traumas of my particular historical and material experiences, how much of this is truly pointing towards universal emancipation and the necessity of a Communist future?
The point is not to trivialize the mundane pathology of struggling with our personal issues but to assert the dialectic between these anxieties and the antagonisms of social existence which facilitate them - the radical step is grappling with the fact that any individual subject can only be derived from some presupposed grounds of collective existence, that your anxieties reflect very real yet contradictory truths about the very constitution of the social world in which you exist.
You're probably right to doubt the purity of your moral principles right now, but you're missing that the problem is likely precisely the fact that you evidently think that your belief in Communism ought to be pure.