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Trying to talk to people about anything at all is like pulling fucking teeth, I hate it so much and it has not once gotten better. I think that I have probably become worse at it ever since the discovery that I have autism revealed to me that there are many given layers of meaning & social cues that I am not understanding, in literally all conversations, but looking back it was never good anyway. I was never good. I can see all of the same problems of stumbling awkward bullshit even back when I was blissfully, properly unaware that I was doing SPEAKING TO PEOPLE wrong.

I'm just fucking exhausted and I don't want to do it anymore. Wherever I go, whoever the people from whatever walk of life, they're all unified (gloriously) by their "oh, ew, geez" -type reaction to my existing and subsequent ability to just barely tolerate me carrying on like a particularly annoying child. What good has being social ever once done for me? Nobody ever sticks around and it's clear they do not like me. If I do not initiate things with people 100% of the time, 24/7, and make myself 100% available to them at all times as well, they will not show any interest and will fuck off to go hang around with someone who's not totally insufferable.

I'm lucky enough to be married & I should have just accepted that as my one victory, quit while I was ahead. No point straining myself trying to talk to other people if I already have my life partner. Trying to get to know people, talking with them, has never represented anything but stress and pain, often in retrospect when I realise I was kept around solely for humour value or because people are too polite to just tell me to get bent. I have to get rid of my desire to talk to people, as well as talk in general, because it's absolutely disastrous for my life.

This post dedicated to marble countertop gang

  • ashinadash [she/her, comrade/them]
    ·
    6 months ago

    some of my opinions are at least somewhat unpopular,

    I have started prefacing any messages I send that are about say, any media, with "cw I don't do contrarianism for fun it's my actual opinion" because it is such an instant conversational dead end if I say I do not like the popular book or w/e

    Please do not do anything that can't be repaired, especially in regard to your own life,

    I'm not at risk of doing anything actually dangerous like that, as much as chronic pain/fatigue is killing me in combination with a shitty job, being autistic and having my own space (a whole apartment) to share with one person who I care about and have no sensory issues with means that I am profoundly privileged.

    I can't really take 5 though, I mean look at this, I'm already making & deleting comments all over the place. The desire to talk to people has been the most destructive thing in my whole life so far.

    • Wertheimer [any]
      ·
      6 months ago

      I have started prefacing any messages I send that are about say, any media, with "cw I don't do contrarianism for fun it's my actual opinion" because it is such an instant conversational dead end if I say I do not like the popular book or w/e

      When you don't like Harry Potter: you're a judgmental asshole

      When they call your interests "weird" and scoff at the idea of anyone liking them: they're just being reasonable

      When you don't want to watch football with them: you're a party-pooper

      When they don't want to watch a Straub-Huillet film with you: you're being difficult

      • ashinadash [she/her, comrade/them]
        ·
        6 months ago

        Real as fuck

        I should note though, when I say "popular book" I mean whatever's a zeitgeist read in specifically sapphic reading spaces, so like a Gideon the Ninth, or the new Meryl Wilsner or whatever. I do not fuck in spaces where HP enjoyers fuck