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Trying to talk to people about anything at all is like pulling fucking teeth, I hate it so much and it has not once gotten better. I think that I have probably become worse at it ever since the discovery that I have autism revealed to me that there are many given layers of meaning & social cues that I am not understanding, in literally all conversations, but looking back it was never good anyway. I was never good. I can see all of the same problems of stumbling awkward bullshit even back when I was blissfully, properly unaware that I was doing SPEAKING TO PEOPLE wrong.

I'm just fucking exhausted and I don't want to do it anymore. Wherever I go, whoever the people from whatever walk of life, they're all unified (gloriously) by their "oh, ew, geez" -type reaction to my existing and subsequent ability to just barely tolerate me carrying on like a particularly annoying child. What good has being social ever once done for me? Nobody ever sticks around and it's clear they do not like me. If I do not initiate things with people 100% of the time, 24/7, and make myself 100% available to them at all times as well, they will not show any interest and will fuck off to go hang around with someone who's not totally insufferable.

I'm lucky enough to be married & I should have just accepted that as my one victory, quit while I was ahead. No point straining myself trying to talk to other people if I already have my life partner. Trying to get to know people, talking with them, has never represented anything but stress and pain, often in retrospect when I realise I was kept around solely for humour value or because people are too polite to just tell me to get bent. I have to get rid of my desire to talk to people, as well as talk in general, because it's absolutely disastrous for my life.

This post dedicated to marble countertop gang

  • Pluto [he/him, he/him]
    ·
    10 months ago

    You and me both.

    I keep making mistakes with how I communicate and it's taxing and it doesn't help that some of my opinions are at least somewhat unpopular, which makes it even harder to go about discussing things.

    I'm sorry you're going through a similar situation.

    Please do not do anything that can't be repaired, especially in regard to your own life, but definitely take a 5 from all this crap. You deserve that at least. But please, come back or at least talk to me, since I've also felt this way a lot, at least up until relatively recently...

    • ashinadash [she/her]
      ·
      10 months ago

      some of my opinions are at least somewhat unpopular,

      I have started prefacing any messages I send that are about say, any media, with "cw I don't do contrarianism for fun it's my actual opinion" because it is such an instant conversational dead end if I say I do not like the popular book or w/e

      Please do not do anything that can't be repaired, especially in regard to your own life,

      I'm not at risk of doing anything actually dangerous like that, as much as chronic pain/fatigue is killing me in combination with a shitty job, being autistic and having my own space (a whole apartment) to share with one person who I care about and have no sensory issues with means that I am profoundly privileged.

      I can't really take 5 though, I mean look at this, I'm already making & deleting comments all over the place. The desire to talk to people has been the most destructive thing in my whole life so far.

      • Wertheimer [any]
        ·
        10 months ago

        I have started prefacing any messages I send that are about say, any media, with "cw I don't do contrarianism for fun it's my actual opinion" because it is such an instant conversational dead end if I say I do not like the popular book or w/e

        When you don't like Harry Potter: you're a judgmental asshole

        When they call your interests "weird" and scoff at the idea of anyone liking them: they're just being reasonable

        When you don't want to watch football with them: you're a party-pooper

        When they don't want to watch a Straub-Huillet film with you: you're being difficult

        • ashinadash [she/her]
          ·
          10 months ago

          Real as fuck

          I should note though, when I say "popular book" I mean whatever's a zeitgeist read in specifically sapphic reading spaces, so like a Gideon the Ninth, or the new Meryl Wilsner or whatever. I do not fuck in spaces where HP enjoyers fuck

  • the_itsb [she/her, comrade/them]
    ·
    10 months ago

    I got out of the habit of checking this comm every day over the holidays and missed The Most Relatable Post. 🤦

    I read this out loud to my spouse because I could have written it myself and have been expressing this sentiment for a while.

    I think the relative comfort that you mentioned in one of your comments here is a complicating factor for me - I can't afford the medical care I need, but I have enough to eat and a safe, warm place to sleep with few sensory aggravations. It seems wrong that that isn't enough, and I am desperately trying to figure out how to make it be, even though I logically know how silly that is.

    We're social creatures by instinct, chemically coerced to seek comfort in numbers; of course it will feel disheartening and threatening to be an outsider.

    unfortunately, understanding problems hasn't been a salve for me lately; it's been salt in the wounds as I realize how much of what pains me requires societal and cultural change to fix

    that's a big task that I can't do alone, and as we were just discussing, it's very hard to find anyone who doesn't dislike me

    • ashinadash [she/her]
      ·
      10 months ago

      To be fair, I'm not even subbed to it! Gonna fix that.

      Hey its me Literally You meow-hug

      I know though, right? It's kind of fucked that we can be worlds better off than so many ND people--not that having a sensorily friendly home and food should be considered well-off--and still it's not enough. We still exist in a largely ableist world...

      I wanna stop being chemically coerced goddamnit, I am doin my best to embrace being an outsider. I mostlu stopped talking anywhere but here. It really does suck though that our societies and wider world are basically designed this way. I wonder why so many ND people are into the left-wing, commie or anarcho revolutionary type beats curious-sickle

      Relatable in general though, and also I have something like rejection sensitivity that has me genuinely believing that even people who talk to me do not and can not like me...

      • the_itsb [she/her, comrade/them]
        ·
        10 months ago

        I have also stopped talking to everyone else and also have a hard time believing that anyone enjoys interacting with me or likes me ❤️ terribly sorry we have this in common.

        • ashinadash [she/her]
          ·
          10 months ago

          Well, at least we're not alone in feeling it? My wife feels this way too, so it's good to know I'm not just a freak. It's something people experience, just not something anyone ever speaks up about.