Background: I suspected I was Autistic for quite a while. I've always felt a connection to Autistics online and NDers at large but never considered I was ASD until I started reading askreddit threads about people on the spectrum and had more than a few "wait, that's me" moments. I read more, obsessed over articles and online tests, and finally got my soft diagnosis from my therapist a few months ago.
My diagnosis is actually ASD, severe depression(which I already knew), social anxiety(samesies), and posible ADHD.
My wife also got diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and anxiety, and a bit of PTSD.
Our oldest is also very much ADHD
So suffice to say, our household is a giant mess of neurodivergence and I wouldn't have it any other way.
I spent a few months in a sort of buffer mode after my diagnosis and decided to read Unmasking Autism ahead of the planned reading group. The book sort of changed my life. In reading it, I felt at times Devon Price, the author was speaking directly at me. At other times, he was talking about my ND friends and family. I got a 10,000 foot view of what Autism and neurodivergence was and I got an intimate view of who I think I actually am.
The book visits something called Divergent Design. It's the concept that rather than trying to live in a Neurotypical box, design your living space around you. Figure out what works for you and own that.
I hate clutter and visual noise. My wife is a clutter bug who loses her keys after setting them down 2 seconds ago. I used to get mad about it but I completely understand now. I'm gonna try and spend 2024, redoing our house set up with Divergent Design in mind.
A few ideas I have for myself is to redo my "Me Space." With 2 kids and the complete anarchy that is our lives, it's hard to have a spot for me. But my computer desk is that spot. I'm fairly territorial about it too. But looking at it, I have come to accept that it's in a states of organized chaos. I bought some bins and a stack of drawers on wheels to hopefully help me get my clutter out of sites but in an equally organized way.
So for example, I wanna put most of my fidget toys in a drawer along with this stack of gift cards I have accumulated. I will know where they are but I won't see them. I will keep my main fidgets at hand for when I find myself wanting to stim. I will be able to swap out fidgets as desire dictates as well.
This will also work with my 7(yes seven) mechanical keyboards I own. Same for my 4 handheld emulators. I figured even though I like collecting these things it doesn't mean they need to be in my face the entire time, distracting me from being productive.
I have 3 sets of flashlights and knives that I carry when I leave the house, but I don't need all of them in a pile under my monitor I can pick a set for a week or 2 and hide the others away where I will know where they are at. I can leave my 2 Rubik's cubes that I am currently maining within reach and put the other 7 away.
This helps tackle me but I am working with my wife on what will work for her.
Right now there is a pile of clutter on my "fermentation station", a currently quasi-defunct hobby, there is a pile of clutter on our dining table(that is actually in our living room which is based btw), There is clutter on the shoe rack part of our combo coat rack that we bought to keep organized(rofl), and she has 3 half-started project in our mail sorter/key peg combo that was supposed to be for mail and keys. I have a few ideas but I don't really know what will work and won't work. One idea is to get a drainable tray to put in our shower on the floor as a "target" for her to put her shampoo bottles back and maybe a waterproof reminder note to remind her to re-adjust the showerhead before she gets out since she is a shower sitter and I am a stander.
I am still working on a few other things to run by her but am putting my foot down on buying one more dry erase board that either won't get hung or will never be used. I want systems that will finally work for her. Maybe have a few "target spots" that she can put her keys, for example. Functional women's jean pockets would be great but, alas, we like in a fascist patriarchy...
I also want to start exploring "radical visibility" from that book as well but not sure where to start yet. I'm a 40 year old man with a beard and I started painting my fingernails again occasionally so that's a start. I am basically always stimming but also usually have a fidget toy in my pocket whenever I leave the house, not sure if that is socially acceptable since a lot of my toys are unique and not a fidget cube or spinner. I like loud clacky tactile stuff so I have 5 sliders and a few haptic coins and such and love them.
Share ideas if you feel obliged but I wanted to post this more as a positive post instead of the negative ones I normally do on social media.
But yeah, that's the post. I think in my head, if I put it out on the internet, it will be more concrete for me instead of "I could do that maybe" type stuff.
Oh! I am also trying to become more active in ND spaces online and kind of wanna explore the possibility of setting up an org or something in my city. Disabled, queer, trans, NDers, and other marginalized people aren't just invisible here but in a lot of cases are flatout hated and I wanna see that fixed.
Maybe have a few "target spots" that she can put her keys, for example.
What works for me is having exactly one spot where I dump my keys/wallet/work ID first thing when I get home. For me it's on the counter like 3 steps into my apartment. The closer to the front door the better, less chances to get distracted by something and forget to put them in their spot and then misplace them.
This is what I do and it absolutely works for me. In the past before we even suspected we were both ND, I could not understand why that wasn't working for her. She literally puts her keys or her phone down whereever. Bathroom sink, microwave stand, top of dryer, pocket of cardigan, just wherever makes sense in her head as she goes to focus on the next thing.
She has been putting them on the key hook thing and it's not right at the door but 3 feet into the kitchen. But it's a matter of time before they end up on top of the dresser again.
I can run this by here and see where it can go.
Yeah I don't have any good suggestions for the phone cause it's gonna naturally move with you inside. I manage to lose mine for a few minutes now and then in a studio apartment.
Is medication an option for her? It really is a game changer for ADHD.
We can at least call her phone. Might get a new Tile thing for her keys and add the app to my phone as an extra step.
She's medicated for anxiety but not ADHD. I might ask her about that. I also wanna get back on meds for depression and anxiety because that can help both of us.
Stimulants are by far the most generally effective ADHD meds, but they're "addictive" so some docs will want to try out other options first which aren't as effective for most people.
Even still the first stim she tries might be a bad time. Dextroamphetamine made me feel like I was dying but Adderall which is chemically similar has been very effective with pretty limited side effects (mostly just need to drink more water and bring a snack to work). If she has a bad time with her first couple of drugs encourage her to keep trying because finding what med works for you is genuinely life changing.
Edit: and if a stim sucks just stop taking it, don't finish out the whole month or whatever of meds they give. It's not the same as anxiety or depression meds where they need to build up.
Good to know that it sounds like stimulants are addiction forming. I was on Lexapro but had to self wean when we lost insurance. It wasn't bad but I was prepared for it. Cold turkey would have sucked.
Our kid is currently on guanfacine for his ADHD and it doesn't seem to work. 1mg and he's bouncing off the walls. 2 and it messes with his emotions and he gets super tired.
I'd honestly be good with them both trying out Adderall. I've used it recreationally and and really liked the focus it brought. Gonna run this by her too.
I have close friend that is ADHD and he self medicates with nicotine vape and caffeine and says it's the only thing he found that works after several years of different meds when he was a kid.
Good to know that it sounds like stimulants are addiction forming.
Anecdotal but my experience/experiences of people I know with ADHD it's still easy to forget to take it. I don't get withdrawal symptoms beyond being a bit lethargic for a day. Taking days off the meds when you can is also recommended cause your brain gets used to that being the new normal and it can make it less effective, you end up in a loop of needing higher dosages for the same effect. (Which to docs looks like drug seeking behavior and feeds their misconceptions!) I skip one or both days on the weekends and it seems to work for me.
guanfacine
Not familiar but looks to not be a stim. Definitely look into trying a stim. There are also studies that suggest getting kids on stimulants can alter brain development to be more in line with non ADHD brains, potentially not needing medication in adulthood. I'd find it but I'm on my phone rn.
I'd honestly be good with both of them trying Adderall.
Ritalin was also very effective for me personally as well, if your doctor suggests it.
caffeine
Yeah I unknowingly self medicated with soda for years, quit when it fucked my teeth up, and then started spiraling my last year of highschool. It's definitely am option but idk how healthy it is long term.
Anecdotal but my experience/experiences of people I know with ADHD it’s still easy to forget to take it.
Ironically she has an alarm set just to remember to take her anxiety meds at the same time each night. So knowing that it's ok to skip a few days might work well with her. I worry that it might not with the kiddo tho since when he's unmedicated he can be a lot to handle at times.
Not familiar but looks to not be a stim. Definitely look into trying a stim.
It's actually a blood pressure med but is prescribed as a ADHD med because it's not a stim. I don't think it works, like at all. Maybe the first week or so but not really? Like I don't want a zoned out drone boy but I want something that can help him and work with him to regulate better instead of doing backflips off the couch and shit lol. Little dude has a metric ton of energy. We actually take him to playgrounds a few times a month so he can run it all off.
I'm also good with the idea of Ritalin. I never understood the negativity of either of those drugs from mainstream media and dumb trad parents. I've heard great things from people that use both when it works with them.
Yeah I unknowingly self medicated with soda for years
This is partially why I think I am still undiagnosed ADHD somewhat. I might be wrong through, but I need a lot more caffeine just to function and also smoked a pack a day for 15 years. And I am talking 600-800 mg of caffeine throughout the day. half to a full pot of coffee, an energy drink in the afternoon and sometimes a caffeine pill in the morning when I haven't gotten a lot of sleep. I suppose it's probably too much but I don't get jittery or crashes like other people and I figure at least I am not binge drinking at noon or snorting rails of cocaine to get through the day. It's a relatively harmless vice but I can't function without it. It could just be a dependency too. Idk, ADHD is last on my list of ND stuff to get sorted out though. I'll get over that bridge when we get to it.
But the missus and the kiddo for sure are ADHDers.
I worry that it might not with the kiddo tho since when he's unmedicated he can be a lot to handle at times.
I actually have no idea if skipping days applies to kids or not. I only got diagnosed and treated as an adult.
Don't want a zoned out drone boy, backflips
Lmao this was literally me as a kid, my parents got me a trampoline to wear myself out on. As I got older the hyperactivity turned into bouncing my leg and pacing. All medication does is let me choose to sit still when I want to. Or get up and do the thing I need to do even when I really don't want to. A too high dosage might have him staring off into lala land but once you find the sweet spot he should fine.
This is partially why I think I am still undiagnosed ADHD somewhat
Entirely possible! Autism and adhd have a decent comorbidity rate, they also have an overlap of symptoms and I'm not well informed on autism and so can't speak to how caffeine interacts.
Good luck! Hopefully your doc isn't a pain about the stims.
Edit: oh and at least in my case, ADHD meds have helped with my anxiety too!
So like we even put him in dance and gymnastics because we are trying to get him to try various extracurricular activities. Both of those, he did good when it was his turn but he still has a hard time waiting his turn and respecting personal space. He also melts down with games if he doesn't win. Dance class had a Duck Duck Goose type game and he lost it because he wasn't picked or something, I forget what exactly it was since it was 2 years ago now.
Back to me, I didn't realize until after reading Unmasking Autism(another rec drop lol) but I pretty much stim all the damn time. I'm a leg bouncer or I cross my legs low and move them in and out(like I'm doing right now lol), I'm always playing with my beard, I have a bajillion stim toys and just recently realize I audio stim with music. Certain genres can make my whole body buzz at times and I can just get lost with the music for hours. But I have been a huge pacer all my life too. With phone calls I'd walk in circles around the kitchen table when I was a kid but now it's from my living room to the kitchen and back for like an hour at a time. It's with music too. But I'm marking this up as more ASD, though for sure comorbidity might def be a thing still.
I gonna bring up her looking into meds for ADHD with her doctor and see where it goes, especially since she's been having a really hard time lately. We've been really good at communicating and have worked with each other regarding needs over the last month(had a bout of covid and a bunch of other illness over December) and I can tell she's having a hard time even though she isn't saying it as much as I think she wants to.
gymnastics
melts down with games if he doesn't win
Yup literally me damn you're making me see missed signs of adhd in my childhood I hadn't caught yet lmao.
Back to me
As someone who knows very little about autism but a decent amount about adhd it looks like you're ticking a lot of adhd boxes...or I'm ticking a lot of autism boxes. No beard to play with and I don't have toys but uh...hmmm
I gonna bring up her looking into meds for ADHD with her doctor and see where it goes
Good luck! It took me a couple of months to go from undiagnosed to diagnosed with effective medication. She's at least cleared the hurdle of the diagnosis so if the doc is cooperative things could improve very quickly for her.
Gonna have an Autistic moment and ask to clarify this absolute monster of an amazing emoji for me please lol!
Also stealing it to add to my commie discord server.
Thanks comrade lol. I still called it :nom: in my server because that was what came to mind.
So suffice to say, our household is a giant mess of neurodivergence and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Good on you. I think patience or love for yourself and others who are ND is a very important skill to learn and we are un-taught our capacities for it very often
I also want to start exploring "radical visibility" from that book as well but not sure where to start yet. I'm a 40 year old man with a beard and I started painting my fingernails again occasionally so that's a start.
that's rad lol
Good on you. I think patience or love for yourself and others who are ND is a very important skill to learn and we are un-taught our capacities for it very often
I keep having to check myself when it comes to disciplining our oldest because I keep finding myself resorting to the same bullshit shouting down type methods I got from my parents growing up so that is something I am gonna work on this year too. My wife is a Montessori teacher and uses a lot of techniques that seem to work so between that and us possibly taking a parenting class, I think I will get there. He deserves better from me. I also wanna try and get him on better meds because he's on a non-stim for his ADHD and I don't think it's helping.
that’s rad lol
Right? I used to paint my nails and wear a ton of candy bracelets in the late 90's/early 00's and sort of realized I was doing that in some capacity. I think that is why I have a ton of leftist buttons on my hat. It's loud but only in a way that if you know you know. I think part of me learning about radical visibility is also seeing more people across the gender spectrum dressing how they want finally. Like good on them. We all deserve to be happy and to express ourselves however we want.
distracting me from being productive.
nuke this comm, I do not want to hear neurodivergent people getting down on themselves for not being productive enough
I guess I meant productive in my own hobbies. I am best when I can hyperfocus and having a desk full of mess hinders that. I could have worded that differently than sounding like I need to produce things for shareholders lol.
