So I go to a work party, and honestly I don't know anyone that well, I work from home mostly, but I come in to show my face and do all the niceties. Talk about some shit, mostly work (not work work but like work, you know?) and then the conversation kind of fizzles out (related point: why the fuck do people sometimes ask me something and then WALK AWAY TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE a few seconds into my answer?).
I don't think I'm BAD at speaking to people. I'm sure as shit better at it than they are, why can't THEY think of something to say? Annoying.
Also whenever someone says hi to me I kind of don't know how to treat them but it's because I can't REMEMBER. I have introduced myself to SOoooo many people who then are like yeah yeah we've met actually I planned your wedding and I'm like what the fuuuuuuuck you DID? Not doing that shit again, you guys reveal yourself first, do YOU remember ME? You do? OK yes of course I know you too.
Tangent: I'm not even diagnosed with anything and of course I have it in my head that I don't look autistic, not like you guys that I clock from a mile away, though honestly I am not even sure about this. I kind of feel like everyone else can tell? As a kid I would fight with this girl who sat next to me and she would tell me I was speaking in a monotone, and I would be like what the fuck girl, I am talking so melodiously right now, what can't you hear?
Back to the point. You know what I do wanna do with people? Activities. Do something with me, anything at all so we don't have to small talk, and my personality will shine. I promise I'm cool, it's just you work colleagues all kinda suck. Actually, clubs suck. I make all MY friends outside smoking cigarettes. If you want me, I'll be outside with the cool people.
damn this is literally me. i suck at conversation but im friendly, smile a lot, and have a good sense of humor so i think thats what keeps ppl talking w me. ive suspected that i have "a bit of autism" for a few years now even tho i also dont have a diagnosis. coincidentally, abt a year into me thinking i could be autistic my dad just asked me w zero pretext, "do you think you have autism?" i was just like, "no, haha" but that kinda sealed the deal for me. he didnt mean it in a mean-spirited or jokey way, just a straight question. hes a great guy and is fairly "progressive", with the average liberal brainworms.
ppl can be rude assholes so they sometimes stop talking to you if theyre not sufficiently entertained or smth. i dont get it, but it usually happens to me when im in a particularly asocial or grumpy mood
but yeah, i wish ppl liked activities more. when i went to parties and the occasional club it just gave me crazy anxiety and made me kinda hate myself for not being able to initiate conversation. i took every opportunity to smoke when doing that, just not cigs lol. smoke circles are just fun, you dont have to talk but when you want to its more of a group convo, which takes a lot of the pressure off for me. also every convo in a smoke circle is a group convo so you dont have to start a one on one convo or just wait around till someone talks to you