Hi, I was writing an email to The New Inquiry to ask a question about submitting a piece. I read this piece (linked somewhere on hexbear...) and really liked it and sorta skimmed through other stuff.
I'm trying to say that, while I was writing the email I misgendered the author while mentioning what I liked about his piece. I only thought to double check because I remembered what you (and other commenters) said with your comments. It's a real bad habit, and a hurtful one. I think I may have it under control, if not now, then soon.
If you wanted an 'explanation', I'll put it below in spoilers. I am not writing it to not accept responsibility and be liable for what I did, just, to like correct others like me maybe.
why i keep using 'they' by default
I don't actually interact with people. I have a partner, and pets. I am usually talking in my head about groups of people or abstract representations of people, not actual people. That still doesn't make misgendering appropriate obviously.
I also did my best to use it because I wanted it to sound natural which I think I could do only if I used it and it became like other pronouns and words I use that I don't think about.
I had a teacher in high school who was pretty cool. One time when reading a handout, she said, every time there was a 'he' (the thing we read was really unnecessarily gendered) she would say 'he or she'.
I thought it was kinda clunky and it sounded off. I thought, "I've seen people say 'he/she', why does she need to say 'or'? She already said it a few times, I feel like she could use 'he/she' and it would still get the message across and it's like less sounds so it's more efficient! (remember, I was in high school and I am a cishet man; I thought saying things as quickly as possible was better) Or why doesn't she use 'she'? That would be better too. Oh, why not just use they?"
Eventually I started using they, I didn't want to have to deal with using the wrong pronouns and figured I would get corrected (I didn't think I could ask the person for their pronouns or name, and refer in a way which doesn't use pronouns to be sure I don't use the wrong one) by the person. I just didn't want trouble, I don't mean like not for me, I didn't want to bother anyone for something I could change I think pretty easily (over like some period of time). Of course that was self-centered, and you can kinda notice I really just write my thoughts and don't always think before.
Eventually I started to use other words to be comfortable with changing the word I use in reference to a person or persons: 'one', 'person', 'folk', 'persons', 'people', 'peoples', 'individual' (<- my fav probably), 'individuals', 'group', 'party', 'agent', 'actor', 'such-and-such', 'human', 'humanity', 'humans' (don't like peoplekind cuz a politician used it, obv I'd use it if others wished or asked), 'ones', and I think that's nearly all of them. I feel like there is one or two more but I can't really remember.
You might say these aren't pronouns and not what people want, and that's completely true. And I think that's why I keep messing up. I basically did something without someone (<- this was one I forgot!!) or some people asking, 'for them' when really I could only be sure that it was for me.
Thanks for coming to my ted-talk.
Now I'm working on being much better with asking and not misgendering.
Hi, I was writing an email to The New Inquiry to ask a question about submitting a piece. I read this piece (linked somewhere on hexbear...) and really liked it and sorta skimmed through other stuff.
I'm trying to say that, while I was writing the email I misgendered the author while mentioning what I liked about his piece. I only thought to double check because I remembered what you (and other commenters) said with your comments. It's a real bad habit, and a hurtful one. I think I may have it under control, if not now, then soon.
If you wanted an 'explanation', I'll put it below in spoilers. I am not writing it to not accept responsibility and be liable for what I did, just, to like correct others like me maybe.
why i keep using 'they' by default
I don't actually interact with people. I have a partner, and pets. I am usually talking in my head about groups of people or abstract representations of people, not actual people. That still doesn't make misgendering appropriate obviously.
I also did my best to use it because I wanted it to sound natural which I think I could do only if I used it and it became like other pronouns and words I use that I don't think about.
I had a teacher in high school who was pretty cool. One time when reading a handout, she said, every time there was a 'he' (the thing we read was really unnecessarily gendered) she would say 'he or she'.
I thought it was kinda clunky and it sounded off. I thought, "I've seen people say 'he/she', why does she need to say 'or'? She already said it a few times, I feel like she could use 'he/she' and it would still get the message across and it's like less sounds so it's more efficient! (remember, I was in high school and I am a cishet man; I thought saying things as quickly as possible was better) Or why doesn't she use 'she'? That would be better too. Oh, why not just use they?"
Eventually I started using they, I didn't want to have to deal with using the wrong pronouns and figured I would get corrected (I didn't think I could ask the person for their pronouns or name, and refer in a way which doesn't use pronouns to be sure I don't use the wrong one) by the person. I just didn't want trouble, I don't mean like not for me, I didn't want to bother anyone for something I could change I think pretty easily (over like some period of time). Of course that was self-centered, and you can kinda notice I really just write my thoughts and don't always think before.
Eventually I started to use other words to be comfortable with changing the word I use in reference to a person or persons: 'one', 'person', 'folk', 'persons', 'people', 'peoples', 'individual' (<- my fav probably), 'individuals', 'group', 'party', 'agent', 'actor', 'such-and-such', 'human', 'humanity', 'humans' (don't like peoplekind cuz a politician used it, obv I'd use it if others wished or asked), 'ones', and I think that's nearly all of them. I feel like there is one or two more but I can't really remember.
You might say these aren't pronouns and not what people want, and that's completely true. And I think that's why I keep messing up. I basically did something without someone (<- this was one I forgot!!) or some people asking, 'for them' when really I could only be sure that it was for me.
Thanks for coming to my ted-talk.
Now I'm working on being much better with asking and not misgendering.