Shit just keeps getting worse. Feels like the western world has lost its mind. :sadness: Scared of being forced to drink cool-aid with the capitalist death cult.
Capitalism isn’t all that’s out there comrade there are plenty of people living under alternative systems, some likely in your own backyard. US dominance is coming to an end, communism is winning, just gotta :sit-back-and-enjoy:
I know you stress a lot about climate change and that’s really difficult, but it’s not going to happen all at once, and the world will need good people like you to help usher in what comes next.
and hey there’s always antidepressants!
Thanks comrade that actually helps me feel a lot better. :comfy:
and hey there’s always antidepressants!
are anti depressants an op
I'm 100% serious I've heard nothing but bad, bad things about them but I'm starting to think I'm genuinely going to blow my head off without some sort of medical assistance. So either I die (in this case, my dick will not work) or I take SSRI's get fat and my dick doesn't work and then I die eventually anyway. Or the middle option, I take SSRI's, have side effect and then die, which also ends with my dong broken
Comrade I started taking Wellbutrin like 3 months ago and it completely changed my outlook. I get up and exercise every day now, no more deep depressions/suicidal thoughts, all my plumbing still works, just nothing but positive things to say. I wish I had done it 15 years ago. I journaled my first few weeks here if you go back in my posts you can read more about my experience starting out.
It’s easier than ever to get help now there’s literally apps you can download for telemedicine, from app download to meds at your pharmacy without ever having to leave your home in 24 hours. Hell there’s even probably pharmacy delivery so you don’t even have to put on pants.
If you’re considering seeking help do it x1000 I can’t imagine navigating the capitalist hell that is amerikkka without it
I'm really weird in that I have no problem functioning semi normally (have a job, college, exercise regularly) but I'm just deeply negative and like...for lack of a better term really numb and prone to borderline antisocial behaviors. I used to think I could just "think" my way out of depression but looking back over my life I think I may have just developed (given that I have a pretty decent amount of trauma) a brain that straight up just doesn't work. I've heard that lots of early childhood trauma can literally wire your brain in such a way that you lack the ability for optimism. I've had a few people tell me that I always, always seem to assume the worst possible outcome to the point of being nearly delusional/paranoid. I don't even know. I'm kind of scared of fucking with my brain chemistry because it seems like it's always a wild card.
I know the Scottish comedian Limmy talks about his depression and suicidality a lot and I have really never heard anyone so candidly describe their experiences and he said that when he went on antidepressants things would no longer send him into a spiral. Like, he described having his car keyed and he said before antidepressants it would ruin his entire month and he would just ruminate in all sorts of paranoid, negative ways after the fact and I was like "holy shit that's me". He said he thought that was just how he was but he said that before and after antidepressants he really saw just how fucked in the head he was...like stuff would bum him out but it wouldn't go like cut off in traffic -> I'm going to fucking kill him -> what if he did it just to fuck with me -> what if everyone hates me -> if everyone hates me, why don't I just kill myself?
Cw: suicidal ideation
in my 20s I actually held a loaded Glock 19 to my temple. Like I wasn’t planning on killing myself but I wanted to know what it would feel like. I’ve never told anyone that.
Three years ago I went as far as having a plan, again, not necessarily going to act on it, but knowing how I would do it. Down to knowing what I would buy, where I would buy it from, where I would do it so my family wouldn’t find me… like deep fucking ideation. When I made the first post in my Wellbutrin series I wasn’t that deep in the hole, but I was thinking about suicide daily, and not in a passing way. Depression is a lethal illness and I am confident that without treatment it would have claimed my life, shattering my family in the process. So I decided to seek help.
Within 5 days of starting treatment it was like that part of my brain was shut off. Like even if I wanted to go there, I would open the door and find the entrance bricked off. To the extent it happens at all now if I get an intrusive thought (has happened maybe three times in 3 months) my gut reaction is to go woah, that’s crazy, you don’t want to do that and immediately switch it off. My energy levels are drastically improved, I am a better member to my family, more productive. It’s amazing how much energy being miserable steals from you. It’s like walking in peanut butter.
I know altering your brain chemistry is scary, I was scared of it too. But I am very much still me. With treatment I’m by no means a chipper optimist, am as acerbic as ever, but the best way to describe it is a shedding of emotional weight.
Here’s my log if you’re interested turns out I only did 9 days:
https://hexbear.net/post/162221
CW:Talk of deep suicidal ideation
spoiler
Yeah, I remember as a ten year old I had suicidal thoughts. I realize now it was a lot of the trauma I had growing up that made me FUCKING psychotic. Like I remember lying in bed thinking that I wanted to sleep forever, or go to heaven (I still believed as a Catholic then before mental illness completely shattered whatever faith I had in any kind of supernatural anything)
Then as a teenager the real suicidal thoughts came in, like at 15 I remember thinking how cool it would be to slit my wrists right in the middle of class or jump off a fucking bridge or jump in front of a bus. I thought shit like this everyday. I remember when I was like 17 I opened the door to my dad's car and threatened to jump out while it was moving. I remember on a particularly bad day standing at a really high balcony at my highschool and looking over the edge and seriously thought about jumping. For me it was always and has always been about jumping. I remember looking over that balcony every passing period and thinking "jump, jump, jump" almost every single day I was there. I told a teacher in summer school I wanted to jump in front of a bus and I got immediately sent to the counselor who was like "yo dude WTF" and I was taken out of the class. Every time I went to bed I prayed that I would just not wake up anymore.
I pretty much thought about killing myself almost every single fucking day of my life from the ages of 15 to like....now. It got a little less bad when I started exercising a lot and doing a lot of self reflection. Therapy actually made me worse for a little while. I went to therapy when I was like 21ish and had a breakdown in front of the therapist when I had a flashback (never had one before) and spent like a year or two really deeply dissociated and having almost like PTSD symptoms. I don't really think about what I would do these days, except for pretty recently where I'm like damn this shit fucking suuuucks.
I think the strangest thing though is looking back and realizing how just deeply not normal all that is. I've casually made jokes about suicide (with me specifically) to people pretty recently and they all become extremely uncomfortable (the older people usually visibly wince) and it has been slowly dawning on me that normal people really DO NOT think about killing themselves, and that lifetime incidence of suicidality for people without a diagnosable mental illness/severe trauma/both is close to nothing. My shit sadly just does not work right :agony-soviet:
Yeah comrade you are 100% right it is not normal to have suicidal thoughts and it’s not normal to feel like shit
The way I think of it is that depression is a terminal illness that might be curable with meds. For me it definitely was. I should also note that I found specifically a prescriber for medication, I don’t fuck with therapy. Sure there’s benefits to it or whatever but I don’t feel like sitting there talking about deep intimate details of my life with someone I don’t know. It’s literally answering one of those depression questionnaires which you’ve done a million times online im sure in person, they ask you a few questions, and they give you a prescription. First call takes an hour, follow ups are much faster if it’s working (15 mins). And like I said before now with telemedicine it’s easier than ever.
It's a brain drug and people have different reactions to them. Antidepressants and other psychiatric medicine is still a very new field with ongoing research. Plenty of people have great experiences with different drugs or treatment methods, just very difficult to understand what will work on different people or even why. Certainly worth trying if you have the means
Anti-depressants are an op in the sense that they stop us from being miserable enough to start a revolution and be willing to die doing it.
But they also keep us from just killing ourselves when the revolutionary changes we desire in the world don’t come about.
So they’re kind of an op but also keep is alive long enough to see if there is ever a revolutionary movement worth participating in during our lifetimes….
they make me reasonably stable
and if anything they made me somehow even hornier, also no weight gain for me
not all anti-depressants are SSRIs or SNRIs
buprorpion (wellbutrin) and vortioxetine (trintellix) to name a couple. wellbutrin is actually associated with weight loss and improvement of sexual function
I can't speak for everyone's experience, but SNRI's have been absolutely life-changing for me. I absolutely still feel like myself. Just not crippled by anxiety and depression. Like, I'm still aware of everything. I'm not numb. But my brain isn't firing so hard that it makes me curl up into a little ball.
People can come take my effexor from my cold dead hands, lol.
And it did take several weeks until I got stable on them. it does feel funny at first because your brain is trying to figure out what the heck is going on and what levels you need.
edit: in terms of side effects, I get vivid dreams--though that's started to get better. and I had some sexual dysfunction at first, but that's almost completely gone away now. basically just had to "practice", so to speak.
I'm on Zoloft and my dick works pretty okay. (I'll be real it never worked perfectly to begin with) The first week or so was rough i got a lot of headaches and some delirium but once that passed i stopped crying on my drive to and from work and stopped doing the math on which floor of the new highrise i was working on would kill me without causing too much hassle for the other workers.
It actually took my wife mentioning that I seem way better to realize it which has to mean something for the pills not changing the way i fundamentally think
i felt so fucking misanthropic after reading about the people who cheered and took their masks off in the middle of their flights last week
I know how you feel. Covid is EXPLODING where I am right now. My friend who has been hyper cautious and taken every precaution just got it. I'm starting to get diseased-pilled and think it's just a matter of time until I get it no matter what I do because most everyone refuses to implement/enforce mitigation measures.
Shit's depressing but I think it helps to remember that it's not an all or nothing thing. Never getting COVID is better than getting it once, getting it once is better than getting it twice, etc. etc.
People have been getting reinfected within a couple of months since Omicron which is insane.
Sorry to hear it Dirt_Owl, I can empathize. There's a feeling in the air recently, calm before the storm sort of Vibe. I've been forcing myself to stay more active to try and keep my mind occupied. Spending more time with the family, concentrating on my hobbies, getting whatever small acts of praxis and mutual aid I can in. Not sure if that's what you need right now, but it's helped me feel somewhat more stable.
Hope you feel better soon Owl. We're all here for you in proxy at least. :meow-hug:
I've gotten more and more nervous being around people. Like I can't assume they're normal until they explicitly say so. The mainstream stuff people talk about has gotten so openly fascist I'm not even sure who people are anymore.
I used to be more forgiving, or I'd just get sad, I don't know. Seems like 99% of people openly want to put trans people in camps or nuke China or make America into an absolute monarchy. People around here brag about not being vaccinated. I can't even say hello to my coworkers without a stream of nazi shit out of their mouths.
I don't even know if I'm going paranoid or if I'm having a natural response.
A teacher relative of mine recently said prisoners should get castrated and their children given to "rich families"
I'm just sad all the time
I've been pretty depressed for a couple months. I mean longer than that, but it's been worse since like... january? before that? I've been numbing myself most nights.
Taking off two masks for the price of one, capitalist efficiency in action!
