So @Lilith recently had a good shitpost on the emotional stunting men experience under the patriarchy.

Most days I would laugh and scroll on by, but today I really felt it and wanted to perhaps start a discussion. As a straight, cis male who has recently started seeing someone, I have noticed a lot of the emotions seemingly ingrained by the patriarchy popping back up in recent days. I have felt possessiveness, jealousy, and fears of inadequacy (am I really good enough, or MAN enough, to be with this person?)

It seems like the patriarchy effects all men differently. I personally found it much easier to get over the immediate instinct towards rage rather than sadness or other emotions, but the feelings stated above have stuck with me despite my best efforts.

Some things I have wondered about when pondering this topic:

  • Can these deep seated feelings, whether they be rage or jealousy or anything else, ever go away entirely with effort? Is the best we can do to suppress them? If we do suppress them, is that not further playing into the patriarchal push to suppress emotions?  Is this a contradiction that can only be solved with the liquidation of the patriarchy?
  • How can men, while still working through these emotions, still be the best possible allies to women and enby folks?
  • In a similar vein, what can we do as men to hold other men accountable for these attitudes? Obviously we can call out blatant misogyny, but more deep seated attitudes can be harder to detect.

Some things I've found that have helped and continue to help me deal with these deep seated attitudes:

  • Listen to women! This one is pretty obvious so I won't spend much time on it, but your female comrades will know better than you when you're doing harmful shit.
  • Read feminist theory. I'm currently reading Revolting Prostitutes and it's helping me to get over some attitudes towards sex work that I now realize were fairly reactionary. Theory works, and it's always helpful to have a better understanding of the world
  • Organize organize organize. Theory is useless without organization and vice versa. You will 1000% learn more about overcoming these attitudes through direct work with female comrades and within orgs working towards women's liberation than you will anywhere else.
  • LeninsBeard [he/him]
    ·
    2 years ago

    Thanks for the reply, I really appreciated a view on this from someone who experiences masculinity in a different way from myself.

    Trans people are often not accepted by society and invalidated in their gender where cis people are often validated in gender so ambiently they don’t notice they often forget they are gendered constructs. Part of dismantling the patriarchy in cis men, in my opinion, will come from cis men learning to construct their own understandings of masculinity and learn to validate themselves, just as we trans people have had to learn throughout our lives.

    This really stuck with me, and I think gets at the heart of a sort of weird, I don't want to say envy, but maybe admiration for GNC people. Myself and many of the men that I know have spent so long getting that validation that once we step outside of gender norms the lack of validation is almost paralyzing. Obviously it's nothing compared to the struggle our trans and NB comrades go through, but I think when someone who has spent most of their lives conforming to these roles steps outside and feels that discipline it is even more effective simply because we are not used to it. Something along the lines of that quote about how equality feels like oppression for the privileged.

    Express kindness to the men you know and try to establish yourself as someone they can be vulnerable to emotionally. That alone will do a lot of good to those individuals, and leave them susceptible to talking about the patriarchy and the harm it causes them.

    This to me is super important. One of the major breakthroughs I had was with a college roommate who was simply willing to listen to my issues and empathize. He never talked to me about patriarchy, and wasn't even a leftist of any stripe, but I think that helped me organically realize how unhealthy my coping mechanisms were and really started my turn leftward.

    • DinosaurThussy [they/them]
      ·
      2 years ago

      A bit on validation: I found that stepping out of that passive validation made me realize that a lot of it was validating parts of me that I didn’t enjoy or respect

      • LeninsBeard [he/him]
        ·
        2 years ago

        :100-com:%. See: the weird internalized possessiveness I feel towards partners and how many people seem to see that as totally normal or even a good thing.

        • DinosaurThussy [they/them]
          ·
          2 years ago

          That in particular is such a strongly ingrained urge. I know what you mean. A lot of polycules will recreate patriarchal structures because of a few masculine people exercising that exact insecurity. I think a lot of American communes in the 60’s had similar problems

    • wire [it/its]
      ·
      2 years ago

      ... I think [this] gets at the heart of a sort of weird, I don’t want to say envy, but maybe admiration for GNC people. Myself and many of the men that I know have spent so long getting that validation that once we step outside of gender norms the lack of validation is almost paralyzing.

      I really empathize with this. I don't think it's weird to be either envious or admirable over this aspect of the trans experience. I don't mean this in a superiority-complex kind of way, but I often think about how the relationship I have my masculinity is generally much deeper and more euphoric than what a lot of cis people have. And that's broadly true for all trans people and cis people in my opinion. Trans people, by being alienated from patriarchal gender norms and our cisnormative society, have necessarily had to develope a deep understanding of themselves and what they find joy in where cis people have not. Essentially, it's my view that part of being cis as a social classifier involves surrendering the euphoria that comes from gender in exchange for social privilege.

      Something that will be necessary for cis people to realize is that they have a role in dismantling the gender binary, and not just in terms of being a good trans ally. Every cis person has the ability to reconstruct their own gender just like we trans folk had to. Cis people can choose to explore gender and even if they still remain cis, they will likely walk away with an understanding of themselves that does cause euphoria - an understanding of how they contextualize their own individual identity regardless of what broad category they belong to. This is, in my opinion, the real work cis people can do to destroy the patriarchal gender binary and free themselves along with us.

      • LeninsBeard [he/him]
        ·
        2 years ago

        This is a very concise look at the importance of intersectionality IMO, gives me strong :leslie-shining: vibes. While gender roles don't impact me or other cis men as much as you or our trans comrades, it's still an oppressive force placing us into a box and scolding us when we step out of line.

        Just one more reason we need to fight for the liberation of everyone, including our GNC comrades :flag-trans-pride: :flag-non-binary-pride: :flag-genderfluid-pride: :flag-agender-pride: