when i was a lot younger and going through one of my worst depressive episodes, i was tested for autism and they concluded i didn't have it. this was about 10 years ago.
early this year, i said to my therapist that i have a feeling i might be on the spectrum and i would like to go through tests again so i could get some answers. i noticed things about myself that could be possible signs of autism, such as having special interests, a heavy aversion to eye contact, difficulty in social situations with new people, a hatred of small talk, etc. i even noticed stuff about my childhood that could have easily been explained by it. i made a long list of these things and sent them to the psychologist performing the tests.
i went through 3 months of tests, after which my psychologist concluded that there are several signs pointing to me being autistic, so she contacted a doctor to perform an interview with me for a possible diagnosis. during this interview, autism was not mentioned once, and the doctor pointed me towards a government program that would help me find a good university to study at. (???)
even my psychologist was confused, so i contacted my therapist and asked him to help sort this situation out with me and my psychologist. it turns out the doctor didn't mention autism because she just didn't think i have it, and that's that. no questions answered, and i'm now more confused than i was when i started. i feel like i wasted my time.
do i just accept that i'm not autistic? i don't know why i feel so.. disappointed. i guess it just feels like it would have explained so much about me.
Sometimes the system is shit. Sometimes its right. FWIW, from your description, it does kinda sound like your doctor is shit.
However, with all this stuff, all these labels, its never cut and dry. Basically everything about the human experience is a spectrum, with many 'neurotypical' people having some scatted symptoms of stuff like Autism, or ADHD, or even Schizophrenia. But diagnostic criteria in the medical industry means that some people drew a line, and that line is at least X number of these symptoms, for at least Y duration and frequency. And if you don't met that threshold, you don't medically get the label.
None of that means your symptoms aren't real, or don't disrupt your life. A good therapist will, as a primary goal, help you to minimize your disruptions. A good Psych will give you treatments to make your life as smooth as possible.
I'm speaking a lot from my own experience here. I had thought, and been told occasionally, that I had Schizophrenia. But when I actually had bad enough breaks to convince me to seek treatment, my hallucinations and delusions were infrequent and intermittent enough to to meet the 'threshold' of a diagnosis of Schizophrenia, and so I ended up with the label of 'Bipolar type 2', which can come with psychosis. And, in a weird way, that was kind of disappointing to me? Like, obviously, I don't want my mental illness to be 'worse', but 'just' having Bipolar didn't feel like it was 'serious' enough to explain my badbrain.
And, for me, it did work out in the end. I had to go through 4 therapists before I found one that actually helped me, and 3 psychs before I found medication that helped me, but I got there.
I still feel, like, part of the Schizophrenia 'group', having gone through psychosis, but also its hard to not feel like a fraud saying that. Its tricky, with identity and groups and labels and stuff. Not knowing your life, from what you've told me, if I were you, I'd hesitate to definitely say "I have autism", as that could come off as insensitive. However, if you have life disruptions from symptoms of autisms, and it sounds like you do, I don't think its dishonest to say that you are on the spectrum. All the while, its important for you, as with everyone, to live your best life. Seek what treatments help you be happy and healthy, live with what you don't have interest in changing, and learn to live with what evades treatment.
i really appreciate this comment. that last paragraph was especially helpful, since part of my inner struggle over this issue has been with me feeling like a fraud as you described. thank you for sharing your experience.