when i was a lot younger and going through one of my worst depressive episodes, i was tested for autism and they concluded i didn't have it. this was about 10 years ago.

early this year, i said to my therapist that i have a feeling i might be on the spectrum and i would like to go through tests again so i could get some answers. i noticed things about myself that could be possible signs of autism, such as having special interests, a heavy aversion to eye contact, difficulty in social situations with new people, a hatred of small talk, etc. i even noticed stuff about my childhood that could have easily been explained by it. i made a long list of these things and sent them to the psychologist performing the tests.

i went through 3 months of tests, after which my psychologist concluded that there are several signs pointing to me being autistic, so she contacted a doctor to perform an interview with me for a possible diagnosis. during this interview, autism was not mentioned once, and the doctor pointed me towards a government program that would help me find a good university to study at. (???)

even my psychologist was confused, so i contacted my therapist and asked him to help sort this situation out with me and my psychologist. it turns out the doctor didn't mention autism because she just didn't think i have it, and that's that. no questions answered, and i'm now more confused than i was when i started. i feel like i wasted my time.

do i just accept that i'm not autistic? i don't know why i feel so.. disappointed. i guess it just feels like it would have explained so much about me.