TW for suicide, and drugs.
Spare me the usual replies, please. I’ve heard them all.
I’m going to drop Creamsicle off at a friend’s house today.
“Yay!”
Then I’m probably going to acquire fentanyl somehow, and forget that I ever existed.
I’ve considered writing a letter to my friend, the one I’m always talking about. Creamsicle was originally supposed to be a birthday present for them, but they didn’t want him. I’d love for him to go live with them, but I don’t want them to be sad. I think I just want them to forget I ever existed. I know they probably won’t be too sad but I don’t know. I wish I could say goodbye.
Every single fucking day sucks. I am in the same exact hole today, on March 22nd, 2024, as I was on March 22nd, 2023, and on March 22nd, 2022. The only difference is I just keep getting slightly worse every year. Each winter hurts more than the last. More people stop talking to me and I smile less and life becomes increasingly more stupid and meaningless.
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That's the goal and that's why I keep living. Because me not being here would not stop the suffering of others. Fuck capitalism. Fuck them for all this pointless suffering. It fucking pisses me off. People deserve better and I'm not going to stop fighting for that.
the goal doesn't help us today.
you say "every day you survive" i read "every day you keep suffering".
my situation isn't as dire as OP's but it probably will be someday and people telling us to keep suffering for nothing with no prospects doesn't help, it just reinforces.
I'm not inclined to do the fascists job for them and off every marginalised, unlucky, sick, poor and disabled person that our shitty system fails. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and feels like the opposite of what communists should be striving for.
living leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I don't see how telling people we aren't able to actually help to keep suffering indefinitely is helpful or gets us any closer to anything other than more suffering.
there's no honest evaluation of my life that predicts it will improve, how long am I supposed to sit here eating shit and how the fuck does that help the movement for communism?
This.
Yeah, everyone tells me to keep going, that maybe it will get better. But that means slogging through an infinite number of days of misery.
fwiw i think you should give rehab a shot, it's something different than the routine at least. can always reevaluate after.
Please tell me you aren't playing devil's advocate right now
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go fucking have a debate about it somewhere else ffs, what the fuck
who's debating?
do you seriously think this is appropriate behavior?
i think empty platitudes are deeply unhelpful because they have been unhelpful and counterproductive for me. OP is suffering. A lot of us are suffering. Do better than telling us to keep suffering.
I do agree with this. You may have untreatable depression but OP clearly has "shit life syndrome" and would feel better if their circumstances were better. They have some options to make their life better: go to rehab, get back on hormones. We have some options too: give housing or money. But I think you should argue against platitudes by saying that it's better to actually do something, not by saying that it's better to kys.
SLF is real but even for someone like me, a higher quality of life makes it more manageable and tolerable.
i would not be hopeless posting if I had any tangible reason not to be hopeless, for example.
To be fair there also are a whole lot of objective, short-term-unfixable reasons to be depressed. The world is burning. Genocide, famine, crimes against humanity have been going on in the background our whole lives. We're all alienated and our psyches are stuffed full of poison. Moreover, the trajectory is so bad that even if it gets better it's still gonna get worse in the meantime. What does it mean to manage and tolerate such conditions? We weren't made for this. Doubtless some people would still be depressed even if none of that was going on. But there's no way to tell.
But there's plenty of hope for OP with so many bad circumstances that can be improved in their lifetime. Get the guy to stop beating you up before you decide your bruises are from anemia, that sort of thing.
You seem to think you're speaking to someone who's never faced these issues before, but you're wrong about that. Empty platitudes may not be helpful but arguing in favor of suicide is beyond unacceptable.
Also, I gave OP money today. Did you?
i'm broke and live on charity lol
But you didn't bump her thread either, did you? No, the only "help" you're offering is encouraging her to kill herself. You should be ashamed of yourself.
i'm not encouraging her, what the fuck is wrong with you? i want people to stop mother theresa-ing our suffering.
Comrade, I'm just gonna formally request that you disengage on this one. Last and only warning on this thread and topic.
go read the modlog. You're arguing against people trying to tell OP to stay alive. Your initial comment essentially advertised suicide by talking about "ending suffering"
This thread is not about you and you need to read the room
And look, I hear that you're suffering. I don't know how I can help you, especially if you have clinical depression. You know as well as I do that your thoughts about this issue aren't rational. And I know as well as you do just how utterly useless that knowledge is in the face of enormous pain, pain so deep you just go numb because feeling it is more emotionally taxing than your burnt-out mind can tolerate.
But I wish I did know. I wish I could do something that would push back that tide for you, even just by improving your material conditions a bit. I'm sorry that you feel this way and I hope things somehow get better for you. And I know none of this is particularly helpful, and I'm sorry for that.