I thought she just didn't want to do sex stuff or cuddle or show affection..
Anyway I just thought it was important to let the world know that you can be volcel army and still be in a committed ten year relationship. In fact isn't that what true comradeship is built on?
Weapons grade cope aside, I think I'm one of those weird types of humans who needs affection and so on. Am I really going to have to start dating again? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
It's a ten year relationship? Out of curiosity how have you been coping up until now? Surely this isn't a total out-of-the-blue surprise? If it wasn't a crisis before now then maybe your coping mechanisms are already good for handling the situation to some degree and just need tweaking.
I assume from what you've said that they're open to non-monogamy?
Tough though in any case, best of luck comrade.
Yeah, about ten years.
The dynamic hasn't always been this way though, our patterns of affection and intimacy were a lot more.. "standard"? earlier in the relationship. But there had also been a lot of recreational drug use, complications of various types, mental health stuff, living situations, whatever.
So while it didn't come out of the blue it also didn't seem inevitable that the track we're on now would be "the way things will be from now on" if that makes sense. That's more or less the shape of the conversation that this discussion grew out of.
She's open to non-monogamy. I warmed to it intellectually a while back, in preparation for accommodating a previous partner's needs. I haven't been so sure over the last year or two.
Cheers for the well wishes.
Honestly it sounds like she is on her way out of the relationship but doesn’t want to hurt you.
You should either break up and move on or have some deep conversations about how to get the flame of love back.
Sorry you have found yourself in this place. It can happen so imperceptibly. Relationships take careful attention and work. It took me several to figure that out.
Best of luck.
My partner is also ace currently due to a couple of SA situations that happened over the last couple of years. Quite similar to you, a lot of drug use, mental issues and living situations and financial problems for her (and me) in general.
She basically heavily encouraged me to get another partner and I did, and I see both of them. I am sexually active with one of them as of now, but it's been going pretty swell. Of course we have other problems stemming from pretty severe mental issues on her part, but we deal with it. My other partner knows her situation and is cool if she becomes sexually active again etc. It's doable and I would be lying if I didn't say it relieved me quite a lot when I started seeing someone else as well.
If u got any questions, shoot.
For reference I've been seeing the currently ace partner for 4 years and she's been completely ace for over a year now, and I've been seeing the other partner for a year.
Out of curiousity, did you feel particularly predisposed to having multiple partners before this situation came up?
I'm realising there's a big fear component for me in thinking about this- I quite like my life, or rather, how it appears to be shaping up. The idea of incorporating another person into my life feels like an intimidating set of variables.
She was poly and seeing a couple people, though very casually. So before she became far more ace she was already encouraging me. I was pretty stubborn about it, and did not feel pre-disposed to it. Eventually when things started heading the way it did, I started seeing someone, and she was very enthusiastic about it. The other partner started as casual and eventually got pretty serious. I now see both of them equally.
I 10000% understand thinking it is a frightening proposition, but it was more natural than I thought it would be. The most intimidating thing and biggest change up was learning to schedule time and dates with two women. They don't mind each other at all, but they don't really hang out unless at the same party, so keeping everything separate has been a fun journey to go through.
If your partner is encouraging it, maybe start looking a little for something casual. You don't have to jump in to something serious. Plenty of people are down to clown.
The arrangement you have sounds really nice. I appreciate the insight.
You're right. It's not like I'm going to wake up in a new unfamiliar life all of a sudden hey, it's just more.. growth, in life and as a person. Hm. Also flirting is fun. Things to think about.
It is pretty fun, and it's also fun to hop back in the pool and have fun. Honestly doing it has relieved a lot of pressure I was feeling about my partner and been generally very beneficial.
I'm sure things will work out comrade! It's a weird situation but it is not insurmountable!
Your situation sounds really mature and i hope for the best for you and your partners.
I had poly relationships before but they always seemed to end in heart break for someone within the entanglement eventually. So i try not to go down that road any more. People get jealous of time, availability, etc… it ended up being a tough thing to juggle forever.
But i also know people who have made it work for several years at a time. But eventually someone always decides to move on. Idk relationships are so complicated.
If it helps most "normal" relationships fall appart just like that. That's not the key factor for analysis in the poly setting. The best practice in the field is evaluating if everyone is having a good time. Which is complicated by the fact that the world sucks lately and most people are having a bad time anyway
Some people don't even realize they are ace until much later, not realizing our lack of interest in sexual stuff is really that abnormal for allos. I've never actually dated or had any sort of sexual experiences, and I still didn't realize I was ace until my late 20s. Others go through the motions assuming that their experience is just normal and everyone is just going through the motions because its expected, particularly for women due to cultural differences in how men and women's sexuality have been treated (at least in the US).