I thought she just didn't want to do sex stuff or cuddle or show affection..
Anyway I just thought it was important to let the world know that you can be volcel army and still be in a committed ten year relationship. In fact isn't that what true comradeship is built on?
Weapons grade cope aside, I think I'm one of those weird types of humans who needs affection and so on. Am I really going to have to start dating again? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
I think I'm one of those weird types of humans who needs affection and so on.
me tooI just realised how much some oxytocin would have made so many things in my life a bit more bearable.
I need some really potent Volcel Revolutionary Army propaganda imprinted on my ungrateful synapses or something.
It's a ten year relationship? Out of curiosity how have you been coping up until now? Surely this isn't a total out-of-the-blue surprise? If it wasn't a crisis before now then maybe your coping mechanisms are already good for handling the situation to some degree and just need tweaking.
I assume from what you've said that they're open to non-monogamy?
Tough though in any case, best of luck comrade.
Yeah, about ten years.
The dynamic hasn't always been this way though, our patterns of affection and intimacy were a lot more.. "standard"? earlier in the relationship. But there had also been a lot of recreational drug use, complications of various types, mental health stuff, living situations, whatever.
So while it didn't come out of the blue it also didn't seem inevitable that the track we're on now would be "the way things will be from now on" if that makes sense. That's more or less the shape of the conversation that this discussion grew out of.
She's open to non-monogamy. I warmed to it intellectually a while back, in preparation for accommodating a previous partner's needs. I haven't been so sure over the last year or two.
Cheers for the well wishes.
Honestly it sounds like she is on her way out of the relationship but doesn’t want to hurt you.
You should either break up and move on or have some deep conversations about how to get the flame of love back.
Sorry you have found yourself in this place. It can happen so imperceptibly. Relationships take careful attention and work. It took me several to figure that out.
Best of luck.
My partner is also ace currently due to a couple of SA situations that happened over the last couple of years. Quite similar to you, a lot of drug use, mental issues and living situations and financial problems for her (and me) in general.
She basically heavily encouraged me to get another partner and I did, and I see both of them. I am sexually active with one of them as of now, but it's been going pretty swell. Of course we have other problems stemming from pretty severe mental issues on her part, but we deal with it. My other partner knows her situation and is cool if she becomes sexually active again etc. It's doable and I would be lying if I didn't say it relieved me quite a lot when I started seeing someone else as well.
If u got any questions, shoot.
For reference I've been seeing the currently ace partner for 4 years and she's been completely ace for over a year now, and I've been seeing the other partner for a year.
Out of curiousity, did you feel particularly predisposed to having multiple partners before this situation came up?
I'm realising there's a big fear component for me in thinking about this- I quite like my life, or rather, how it appears to be shaping up. The idea of incorporating another person into my life feels like an intimidating set of variables.
She was poly and seeing a couple people, though very casually. So before she became far more ace she was already encouraging me. I was pretty stubborn about it, and did not feel pre-disposed to it. Eventually when things started heading the way it did, I started seeing someone, and she was very enthusiastic about it. The other partner started as casual and eventually got pretty serious. I now see both of them equally.
I 10000% understand thinking it is a frightening proposition, but it was more natural than I thought it would be. The most intimidating thing and biggest change up was learning to schedule time and dates with two women. They don't mind each other at all, but they don't really hang out unless at the same party, so keeping everything separate has been a fun journey to go through.
If your partner is encouraging it, maybe start looking a little for something casual. You don't have to jump in to something serious. Plenty of people are down to clown.
The arrangement you have sounds really nice. I appreciate the insight.
You're right. It's not like I'm going to wake up in a new unfamiliar life all of a sudden hey, it's just more.. growth, in life and as a person. Hm. Also flirting is fun. Things to think about.
It is pretty fun, and it's also fun to hop back in the pool and have fun. Honestly doing it has relieved a lot of pressure I was feeling about my partner and been generally very beneficial.
I'm sure things will work out comrade! It's a weird situation but it is not insurmountable!
Your situation sounds really mature and i hope for the best for you and your partners.
I had poly relationships before but they always seemed to end in heart break for someone within the entanglement eventually. So i try not to go down that road any more. People get jealous of time, availability, etc… it ended up being a tough thing to juggle forever.
But i also know people who have made it work for several years at a time. But eventually someone always decides to move on. Idk relationships are so complicated.
If it helps most "normal" relationships fall appart just like that. That's not the key factor for analysis in the poly setting. The best practice in the field is evaluating if everyone is having a good time. Which is complicated by the fact that the world sucks lately and most people are having a bad time anyway
Some people don't even realize they are ace until much later, not realizing our lack of interest in sexual stuff is really that abnormal for allos. I've never actually dated or had any sort of sexual experiences, and I still didn't realize I was ace until my late 20s. Others go through the motions assuming that their experience is just normal and everyone is just going through the motions because its expected, particularly for women due to cultural differences in how men and women's sexuality have been treated (at least in the US).
Time to figure out smarmy jokes with a punchline like,
meh, I had an ace up my sleeve the whole time
I've been where you are it is not fun. Im the type of person who needs physically affection and while i dont need sex i found out i need to feel sexually wanted. My girlfriend got an iud put in and it fucked her hormones so bad she couldn't touch me without feeling disgusted for around 2-3 months. It was hell and it obliterated my mental health, we almost broke up and i thought she was cheating on me. Very unpleasant times.
What im getting at here is that as hard as its gonna be and as much as you love them you are incompatible. Don't hurt yourself more by telling yourself you can be happy with them. You have needs
If you think you could still be friends with them im sure that would amazing but personally i wouldn't be able to stop myself from pining if i did and dont think it'd be a good idea.
I'm sorry you are going through this op
Thanks comrade. What you described about needing to feel wanted sounds very familiar. I guess I've been distracting myself from the reality of the situation, numbing and I guess just kinda rationalising things as a side effect of temporary conditions or other surmountable things we would face together eventually and be stronger for.
I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your girlfriend's birth control. That must have been an absolute mindfuck for both of you.
In my case things have sort of ended up where they are through a gradual process and we've continued to be generally very good for each other. The way things are have been a fairly consistent state of affairs for a while, I just kind of expected we would somehow find each other again, in that way.
The conversation with her today feels like a reality check against that. I don't even know what I "want" in terms of something else. I haven't felt the need to wonder about it. I just know this feels incomplete.
Fuck. I appreciate you sharing your story. It's definitely food for thought.
If they’re not able to meet you somewhere that works, you gotta protect yourself.
Do not expect nonmonagamy to work. It will add a tremendous amount of stress to both your lives and your relationship. This is almost never a positive outcome.
Do not expect nonmonagamy to work.
This should be clarified. Non-monogamy can work very well for people who are non-monogamous in some capacity and intentional about their relationship structures from the get go. It's a terrible idea for monogamous people who don't feel their needs are being met to try to open up to correct that.
As a non monogamous person myself this is a fair point. It takes and entirely diffrent skill set to do this successfully and there is no guarantee life would have prepared you both adequately at this moment.
As far as I can tell it's business as usual for her and she assumed this had been the status quo for a long time. I want to give her some space more generally since we've spent a fair bit of time chatting over the last few days.
To be sure I'll stay checking in with her. It's ride or die regardless of whatever else happens.
Ten years? BRUH. You have my upmost respect. I’d be out in less than a year.
Sheeit sib, you know we were smashing for the longest, it hasn't been a ten year dry stretch in the relationship. I swear I used to suck her dick good as hell homie but I guess we all grow and change.
Nah seriously. I think this is a cry for help or advice. I love this person and I'm not sure how well I'd be able to juggle non-monogamy-with-emotional-characteristics.
Has anyone navigated these waters? Regale me with your stories. Good or bad, it's all the same to me.
Have you talked with them about your needs? I'm guessing if it's been 10 years probably, but this is definitely something that's very specific to your relationship with this person and their willingness to budge as well as your willingness to budge.
That said, if you both have limits and those limits become an issue that can't be resolved, then you just need to find out how you want to handle that as people who love each other in your own ways
You ask really good questions. Unfortunately they don't really have simple answers, as far as I can tell. Like, the best way I can think to phrase it is, there's nothing I would want if it isn't enthusiastically volunteered.
But if our relationship has hard limits that I don't want to have become my hard limits by defacto.. then.. is problem.
This is all so confusing cuz I have legit been doing this volcel thing for multiple years now in the context of this relationship. I'm so far removed at this point that I don't even know if what I'm not getting from this relationship is even that important compared to the benefits of stable and reliable mutual support from someone I admire and respect and love.
(rambling out loud here I forget if I was even trying to make a point anymore)
i'm actually in a nearly-identical situation, including the "nearly 10 years" bit. it's...difficult, particularly if you're the sort of person who, as you said, doesn't want something unless it's enthusiastically offered.
i don't really have any useful advice, unfortunately, but i just wanted you to know you're not alone. i hope you can strike a balance that works for you both.
I really appreciate the supportive words. It does help. I'm sure we'll figure it out eventually.
I hope your situation develops for the better too.
It’s really nice to see that you care enough to give it some deep thought and reach out for advice. Good job.
Ok maybe I’m wrong but it sounds like maybe you need to show your partner that you will to make an effort for them to be attracted to you? Like maybe they are kind of “over” the relationship and afraid to leave you and/or don’t want to hurt you, but trying to give you a chance to make an effort without being able to communicate that well.
Or maybe not.
Maybe a relationship counselor could help you both communicate with each other better. If you want to save this relationship you are going to have to really put in some effort either way.
But maybe you know that it is not going to happen and you should move on and need someone to give you permission to do that?
Ok maybe I’m wrong but it sounds like maybe you need to show your partner that you will to make an effort for them to be attracted to you? Like maybe they are kind of “over” the relationship and afraid to leave you and/or don’t want to hurt you
That sounds pretty insulting to just ignore what your partner said and harass them into having sex.
There's a huge difference between making an effort for someone to be attracted to you and harassing them into having sex. That's a wildly unfair leap.
You can trust someone when they say they don't want to have sex. Everyone here is doing that, there's not a single hint of evidence to the contrary. Especially if you have a long-standing relationship with someone, it can be worth inquiring a little further as to why they don't want to have sex. There's a chance it's based on material conditions that the partner who wants more sex can change. Maybe it's a matter of attraction and they need to put more effort into their appearance. Maybe it's work related, and the partner who doesn't want sex's job or life is causing stress that's making sex completely undesirable. Maybe there's psychological hangups about the state of the relationship in other ways. It might be an abuse situation. It might also be that the partner who doesn't want sex has simply realized that they are purely through and through ace and are happier not having sex. Some of these things are situations where the higher sex drive partner can put in an effort and have that effort not be "harass[ing] them into having sex".
But if they’re ace they don’t experience sexual attraction???
Sorta my bad for trying to make this comment both general and specific, that makes it a bit confusing, but I will say that OP and her partner have had a sexual relationship in the past, so if nothing else, her partner hasn't always been ace. That doesn't mean that you can negotiate them out of it, that doesn't mean that there is definitely some way to her partner having sexual desire any more that doesn't mean that her partner isn't happy with being ace, I just take issue with any attempt to rebuild what existed in the past through effort and communication being called "harassment".
Ace, while a spectrum, is specifically about the lack of sexual attraction. Trying to “rebuild attraction” IS harassment. ace people (it is a spectrum so it does vary) can actually have sexual desire (varies from person to person) but they generally (not always) they specifically do not have attraction
You might already know this sorry
so if nothing else, her partner hasn’t always been ace.
Aces engage in sex. Engaging in sex doesn't mean she isn't ace. And just because someone doesn't want to have sex doesn't mean they're not ace. Ace just means a like of sexual attraction to others. Sex can still be fun without sexual attraction, so some aces regularly engage in sex because they want to.
On the other hand, there's already a lot of society pressure to engage in sex and a lot of aces just do it because they feel they're expected to. And many people don't realize they are ace for a long time (for me, I realized in my late 20's and there's lots of people who realize a lot later). I think it tends to more be women who realize so later because they assume all women lack sexual attraction and only engage in it as part of their duties as a good partner to satisfy their partner's needs.
I just take issue with any attempt to rebuild what existed in the past through effort and communication being called “harassment”.
My comment was in the context of this specific case. I wasn't making a general claim. Communication is good. Which seems to have been happening over the last few years. Their partner's design to no longer engage in sexual activities seems to have been made extremely clear. Ignoring that and continuing to try to pressure them into sex is harassment.
If they’re aro, ace, and you care about this person, consider going full queerplatonic and not being official partners anymore?
Yeah, my instincts tell me this is roughly the shape of things to come, or at least the correct shape of things to tentatively explore when the time is right. "queerplatonic" is a nice word.
No experience, but seems like trying out non-monogomy would be the best way to find out how it works for you? If it doesn't work, then you get to decide what's important to you then.
Yeah it's looking like I'll have to have another shot at it I suppose if this state of affairs is going to be permanent.
I kinda dated a guy year before last, but last I heard he's living with the man of his dreams. I sure know how to pick em.
My ex was ace as well. Together for 8 years so I feel for you comrade. Like you initially there was much smashing but gradually it just became barely a yearly thing. And I realized that I do need that level of intimacy from a partner so we went our own ways. Wish it hadn't cost me my apartment but oh well I'm lucky and my parents have a basement room I have been living in ever since.
The dating pool welcomes you back with open arms.
I'm gunna' start making sure of these things early in relationships and not get too invested until they pass my test. That and making sure they don't wanna' stain the world with more life.
People change over time. You can't assume people will stay static forever. The person that passes a "test" today may not pass the same test 10 years down the line. Relationships take work to cultivate, especially long-term ones.
Yes, 100%! Part of dating someone (to me) is being happy to see them grow and figure themselves out as time goes on. It does mean that certain things that you shared may not ways be the same, but a relationship is so much more than that. I also take the mindset of happy this is happening in my life now and trying hard to stop controlling the future so much when others are involved.
I don't know what test you're thinking you're going to concoct that will make sure that people won't develop hormonal changes, be subject to abuse that can damage their enjoyment of sex, or just exercise free will and grow as humans over a decade, but whatever test you come up with is probably not one you should ever use on another person, comrade
you misunderstand, a requirement of the test is being an unchanging ideal and not an actual person
We're gonna need to a barrage of tests.
edit: people change, too. then what. damnit. this is why those english ladies marry trees and bridges and stuff in the tabloids huh.
stain the world with more life
you got that backwards buddy, it's the people we want to save from this society
The person I often vent about here, the one who won’t talk to me anymore—because I damaged their trust and probably added more cracks to their broken heart—is ace. I am probably ace or ace-adjacent (I don’t want to fuck anyone, but I still like, idk, I feel gross talking about it), and when I really sit down, take a fucking Seroquel and think about it, probably aromantic as well. I mistook what I felt for romantic feelings, or something, idk how to really describe how my stupid thought process evolved—I wanted to be close to their heart. I envied their friends, from their “roommate” and sort of best friend (I refer to him as their “platonic boyfriend” sometimes, because it really perfectly encapsulates their relationship, I shit you not—I wish I were him) to the dipshits who just live in their neighborhood and get to see them around here or there. I lost my shit, became obsessive and weird, gradually pushed them away, and then last July I lost the only person who ever really made me happy.
I’ve moved on as much as I think I ever will. It’s wishful thinking when I say I’ll never forget them—but I think I can live with never seeing them again. It sucks not knowing if they’re alright. It sucks that I’ll never really know them, and how it almost feels like I’m lying when I say I ever did.
It sounds obsessive but they really are that amazing, and nobody will replace them because I don’t want anyone to, nor do I need anyone to. I have always been alone and it doesn’t bother me anymore.
It’s hard to deal with the shame though.
I really wish I had something more insightful or comforting to say in response to this, but I feel you. My current situation is different but I think I've been through a couple of very similar heartbreaks to what you're describing.
Godspeed.
