I Am A Transwoman. I Am In The Closet. I Am Not Coming Out.
medium.com
NOTE: Wow, I wrote this piece anonymously and privately and did not intend for anyone else to actually read it. It was a way for me to vent…

Found this article and I can relate to a lot of the feelings expressed in it. As someone who is questioning their gender and is maybe probably a trans woman I feel the sentiment here. Bother feminists and patriarchy say to men: you are a rapist. You are a predator. You are an opressor. You are a monster. You are a conqueror. You are an abuser. You are this and can only be this. Sexists like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson say this, and to feel proud of it. Feminism says this and says to feel shame for it. How am I supposed get past the fact that I will always be seen as this even by "allys?" By other trans women, those more trans, more "real", more "woman" than me? When I look in the mirror and feel disgusting for my masculine body and current life, is it dysphoria or just feeling what the messaging I hear of masculinity is? Or both? I hesitate to post this because I know the replies will just be full of accusations of fragility or being an incel and "but you aren't oppressed" that anyone saying anything but scathing denunciation of masculinity get. The transphobic cry of saying you will never be a woman, and the idea of men are trash share the same place in my mind. You will always be a man, a potential rapist, a privileged opressor, the enemy. It feels like I would just trade my disgust with myself for more disgust and fear from the world to be out as trans. Thanks for reading this stupid rant.

  • RaynDanger [they/them]
    ·
    2 years ago

    NB comrade here. A useful term in helping me deal with many of the same hard thoughts is imposter syndrome. It's at least a label I can give them that helps give a context and remind myself that they aren't helping be a better human, they're just mental torture I keep putting myself through. The negative typing of men you mentioned is real and in my head it blends with the history of white empirical conquest. It really feels like I was born with blood on my hands I can't wash off. So so so so much of this is constructed by the propaganda that keeps the proletariat fighting each other and their own selves. Self critique is important, but internalizing a narrative of self loathing that cripples us from action against the rich is their goal. You are another mortal wayfinding on the wilderness of modernity. Keep calling out those dark behaviors, but remember you want to help. We might not wash all the blood off our people's hands in this generation (but I've got GREAT gulag planning ideas lol), but we keep doing the good work. And we can only do that work by rejecting the self-loathing they so desperately need us to have to maintain their meat machine.