I also plan on going over this in my next therapy session along with me possibly having pathological demand avoidance and executive dysfunction, but wanted some spicy(and real) takes from other terminally online ND commies that are forced to go outside occasionally.
So, I'm atheist/nihilist/it's complicated but I go to church with my Christian wife and my kids on Sundays and sometimes Wednesday evenings. It's fine, whatever. I've actually made a few friends there and some of them are aware that I am bleak-brained about religion.
Some of them who know me more personally even will ask if they can hug me or whatever. It's fine if I know it's coming and it's with someone I know and can prepare for.
But like 99.9% of the rest of those people and the rest of humanity can fuck the fuck right off. Why do randos feel obligated to touch other people?
In that church, we are part of a "small group" and the last one we joined, a dude there who I never met, just came up and hugged me. Did that the next few times too before I was able to shut the hug down a handshake compromise. I didn't wanna be mean about it and figured a handshake was bearable. I'm used to them from the stupid fucking formalities that come with job interviews. Sure, fuck it.
But then the old fart that holds the door open like Jesus would have wanted... whey does he feel obligated to give me a back pat? Don't fucking touch me maybe?
This last Sunday they had new Elders selected(I don't get it either. Spend 2 months asking how they can select more inclusive Elders and still pick 4 old white dudes) but I was walking passed one and he felt the holy spirit in him to gently pinch the bottom part of my bicep in some weird fucking "coochie coochie coo" display. Like what possessed him to do that? Never talked to him outside the casual stupid fucking small talk. Dear dude with the bizzaro tickle fetish, could you fucking not?
I spent all my life suffering from anticipatory anxiety of people touching me in all these dumb fucking rituals of hand shakes and shoulder clasping and I would dearly like them to fucking stop.
So, how do I actually do it? I am extremely blunt and have a short temper and feel like if I don't get this sorted I'm gonna blow the fuck up at the next person who touches me without my permission.
Tips, tricks, bear strength pepper spray?
If you find out, please do tell me. I'm tired of getting guilt tripped for "oh, don't you love me? give me a hug!". I've never understood why people just can't accept that some people don't like being touched and they take it personally.
This is the reason why we are both strongly supportive of our kids' autonomy regarding hugs from family. Our rule is that our kids don't have to hug you if they don't want to.
That's awesome! I wish I had parents supportive of stuff like this growing up.
Honestly in the middle of discussing this with my wife. But it's not really just church. That just happens to be one of the only places I go regularly since I barely leave my house.
no fucking clue how to deal with it, but you're so valid for feeling this way. the amount of non-consensual touching in society that people feel entitled to is just absolutely fucking insane to me. church boomers especially just be touchin everyone. i stopped being in situations where i'm with people who are like that.
First of all, you deserve to be treated with respect, no question. There's no reasoning behind the touching without permission behavior that I can understand that isn't shallow or selfish in origin. Your post made me cringe because I feel the same about being touched.
I've used "No hugs, thanks," and will offer a handshake or fist bump. I have physically sidestepped people by twisting away from them, and I've even pushed people away from me, forcefully when needed... how do you not get immediately angry at them for violating your personal space? I can't hide my disgust if someone does this to me, and even if it pisses them off I'll just repeat that I don't want to be touched until they stop trying to argue or shame me. I see it as a comfort level that should be respected, and usually people are mature enough to not press it.
I think I do want to be more assertive about it. Regarding the guy that coochie coo touched me I physically reeled back and by the time I was away from him I turned around to see who it was to stare menacingly at him but he was already absorbed in conversation. It was basically a ninja grope which is why I'm so put of by it outside of the normal "don't fucking touch me" thing.
I'm not great with handshakes for a few reasons outside of the thought of having to touch people but fist bumps are ok. I think I'm gonna try that going forward too.
I don't wanna seem like a dick to them about it but if they can't respect my personal autonomy then fuck em.
Basically a ninja grope
This somehow makes it worse! Fuck that and Hell Yeah to being more assertive, you don't need to be nice when someone isn't actually being nice to you, which they aren't by grabbing you like that. If someone did that to your kids would your reaction still be "I don't want to seem like a dick"? I've seen too many old perverted church people who take pride in violating personal boundaries like it's some kind of sick game for them, so pardon my anger. I wish an adult in my life had stood up for my bodily autonomy so many years ago, so now I kind of over compensate by grey walling and being distant because it keeps most people at a navigable distance.
You're in a tough spot, I hope you can find something that works for you so you can be comfortable, even in a setting where you're moreso just supporting your family when there.
Show
Also, touching elbows works great too and can look silly which makes it more relaxed!
If I ever find out someone at that church is touching either of my kids, I'm gonna go to jail. Raising kids is frustrating as it is, I don't need some fundie ass pervert trying to indirectly tell me he wants to eat with a feeding tube for the rest of his life.
I think knuckles works as long as the big macho manly men don't try to be rough about it to assert some kind of dominance, but I am gonna keep elbows mind.
CW: bear armor, references to bear baiting and historical bear hunting practices
spoiler
https://www.historyinmemes.com/2022/12/15/this-bear-hunting-armor-is-giving-90s-grudge/
Put on the whole armor of fighting bears
I have no real advice. Sounds like you're dealing with some weird Evangelical thing, and most of those groups view any dissent as aggression. You're fighting an uphill battle against a hostile culture.
Thanks for the laugh lol. And the church in question has a percent that is fundie/evangelical but I suspect the coochie coo culprit is one. There are some actually legit good people there too.
Have you tried pepper spray?
Edit: this isn't meant to belittle the problem, I hear your frustration and in my mind it's a funny joke to suggest you defend your boundaries as sharply as one might for other kinds of non-consentual touchingLol pepper spray was mentioned at the end of the post. It's always a possibility.
some people come in slow for the hugs and I don't like it but it's not a big deal, but for some reason there's always that asshole who moves in fast and aggressive and their hugs are very violent and grope-y and fuck that guy. atheists, in all their so called "rational logic", can't think of a better reason to not goto church than the ever present hug assaulter.
If someone looks like they want to touch me I say "no thank you" and take a step backwards away from them. If someone touches me without my knowledge I twist away from them, yell "NO", and maybe give them a slap if I'm feeling it. If any bystanders question me about it I say something about "...get his hands off me".
If it's a touchy relative or something, I try to talk to them about it to make them understand that it's surprising and shocking to be touched without forewarning. If it's a relative that doesn't internalise that, I try to be aware of the situation and take control of it by touching them first, e.g. putting my hands on their shoulders first and moving closer for a "hug".
Thankfully I don't have many relatives around. When we have dinner with her family they all want to hold hands and pray. That's another fight for another day and I just suffer through it.
I think I am gonna def try being vocal about it. Sounds like a potential one and done way to go and if "feelings" get hurt, no biggie since I don't know them.
