My partner and I had a drunken conversation about this maybe a year into dating and we each gave our ballpark numbers and were like "huh, yeah that makes sense" and then that was the end of the conversation forever
In my heart it does make me a little :sadness: to think about them having a history with people other than me but on any sort of rational / accepting this person level it's like :shrug-outta-hecks: I was bangin other people too back then
idk me and my bf find it hilarious to talk about our exes
my favorite thing is when im friends with an ex and i meet their new squeeze and i'm like 'BRO SHE TOTALLY JUST DROOLS ALL OVER YOU TOO RIGHT?!?!' high five
On the one hand I agree, but on the other I think when you want to know everything about someone that even those kinds of uncomfortable topics can come up, and then in another hand was my like 11th drink of the night so it just kind of came out lol.
To the first bit? Because I only get to live one life and I'm always curious at how other people have lived theirs.
To the second? Because it implies a certain degree of inexperience and naivete in a relationship that I already went through in high school / college and I'm not eager to repeat. If dating is like dancing, its nice to be with someone who knows a few moves. Or, at least, someone who isn't going to step all over your feet.
it implies a certain degree of inexperience and naivete in a relationship that I already went through in high school / college and I’m not eager to repeat.
highschool/college relationships suck because the ppl who have the said sucky relationships were emotionally inexperienced in general and/or highschool students (who are usually overly neurotic weirdos due to being kids)
id imagine any adult, by virtue of simply living on this earth and interacting with people irl or in cyberspace for a significant number of years, would be equipped with the emotional tools to navigate such matters as well right? Are you a recent college graduate yourself?
there was also a study on this but i seriously forgot so cant link it
how many people do you know irl who agree with this view?
id imagine any adult, by virtue of simply living on this earth and interacting with people irl or in cyberspace for a significant number of years, would be equipped with the emotional tools to navigate such matters as well right?
That has not been my experience.
how many people do you know irl who agree with this view?
Hard to say. Its not a conversation I have regularly. But I know a few women who are still in the dating scene into their 30s/40s, and they generally tend to shy away from "inexperienced" guys - particularly virgins - because men can get incredibly clinging if they've never gone through a break-up before.
There's also just that question of the next step in a relationship. Being exclusive, moving in together, and getting married all carry different weight if you've never done them before.
plz elaborate sir, quantitatively if possible (ie. how many people like X as opposed to Y)
Being exclusive, moving in together, and getting married all carry different weight if you’ve never done them before.
only if th participants want to tho right? Marriage is a big decision universally and it can end pretty badly. Im sure that what you say applies to long term relationships but in the short term shouldnt things be better? Furthermore living with other people is an experience that is shared by many, wouldnt imagine it to be too jarring if its with a romantic partner for the first time.
But I know a few women who are still in the dating scene into their 30s/40s, and they generally tend to shy away from “inexperienced” guys - particularly virgins - because men can get incredibly clinging if they’ve never gone through a break-up before.
by dating do they mean fwb/casual sex or do they mean medium-long term commitment?
I don't have any spreadsheets for you. I just know plenty of older people who lack maturity. This is, incidentally, totally independent of how much they fuck. But I do also notice that people who are coming out of committed relationships (particularly divorces) tend to fall back into them much faster than people who were late bloomers. Of course we're talking about sample sizes in the dozens, tops, so YMMV.
only if th participants want to tho right?
People with more experience tend to have more well-defined opinions and are more open about sharing those opinions. The question of marriage is highly charged between inexperienced daters, but it can come up on the first date for divorces. And its sort of a pivotal question, particularly later in life. You don't want to get into a five year relationship with someone you hope to marry, when that person is too traumatized from their divorce to ever do that again. Incidentally, my father-in-law runs into this problem both coming and going and gripes about it regularly.
Furthermore living with other people is an experience that is shared by many, wouldnt imagine it to be too jarring if its with a romantic partner for the first time.
I'd say the biggest difference between rooming platonically and romantically is that romantic couples value privacy in a way platonic households do not. I lived with roommates for the better part of a decade and dated outside the house. But it took about six months of introducing a live-in girlfriend before she insisted we needed our own place. And I honestly couldn't blame her.
by dating do they mean fwb/casual sex or do they mean medium-long term commitment?
This is the sort of question that more experienced couples bring up a lot sooner in a relationship.
I mean if we’re talking about things in terms of skilled practices that take time to learn, is not the position that “everyone has to start somewhere” generally the more productive one?
Sure. But also relationships are a two-way street. I'm not dating for charity, here. I'm looking for someone who I can be with long term. And inexperienced people tend toward the selfish, the shortsighted, and the mercurial. That's fine for a youthful fling, but not great when you're looking to build a real long-term relationship.
IDK, you’re gonna do in your personal life what you’re gonna do, but I don’t see how this perspective could ever allow anyone to grow into anything if they weren’t already a “winner” by college.
Everyone grows at their own pace. I'm not suggesting inexperienced people are undateable or unfuckable or whatever. I'm not even ruling out dating the proverbial 40-year-old virgin. But there's a very different attitude towards dating, sex, living together, and marriage that comes from someone who has never done any of these before relative to someone who has done most or all of these things. Going back to the Key/Lock metaphor, I'd honestly consider someone in their 30s/40s with lots of experience who is looking for a partner with zero dating experience kind of predatory.
I guess what I’m getting at is that I don’t see how this perspective, if applied at a broad social level, doesn’t ultimately resolve into like a kind of medievalist idea of everyone having a particular “place” in society.
I think you're approaching this from the perspective of a caste system, wherein one is born a low class virgin and achieves some kind of royal apotheosis as an elderly fuckboi.
To go back to dancing, I'd simply consider someone who could dance well more attractive than someone who couldn't. If that's unfair to everyone that's never danced before... shrug I don't know what to tell you.
Everything is a two-way street; that’s the point of analyzing things in terms of dialectical frameworks.
Again, a relationship isn't a charitable endeavor. Its an emotional bond. Expecting people to form attachments out of some perceived sense of public equity isn't a thing that works in any practical sense. This is the chud-logic "government assigned girlfriend" tier of thinking.
They are arguing about whether, or not our society should be structured around the premise that some people are just better than other & should be regarded as such.
"Better" is doing a lot of heavy lifting, here. Some people are going to be more charismatic than other people thanks to a whole host of material conditions. That said, you can try to address the underlying conditions. But there's nothing you can do to just jam people together in the bureaucratic pursuit of minimizing the loneliness index.
My goal is to have a society that does not have social classes
You're going to struggle with that one, as that's a Dunbar's Number problem more than a Capitalist Accumulation problem. In some sense, its the opposite problem, as capitalist accumulation is limitless and accelerating. Social accumulation is highly constrained with every new unit coming at increased expense.
You self-consciously want to maintain a standard that you know is unfair
I don't consider people building relationships out of a sense of mutual attraction unfair. I consider it stocastically determined. There's a lot we can do to improve the general quality of life of people, but there is no individualistic panacea for loneliness. Certainly, trying to finger-wag at a random person online and shame them into... what even is the ask here? Pinkie promise to swipe right more often on Tinder? Hook up with more single senior citizens? Do you even have a remedy you're advocating, here?
Whatever. Nagging randos on the internet is always a winning strategy for whatever social reform you're plugging. Good luck at work. I'm sure your coworkers will be fascinated to hear more of your dating views.
My goal is to have a society that does not have social classes; that is, one in which most people have roughly comparable experiences in life.
in the context of people having different numbers of sexual partners, this sounds like you’re talking about a “state-mandated gf” scenario…
:visible-disgust:
Well I mean, there you go. You self-consciously want to maintain a standard that you know is unfair because it’s more convenient for you to do so, and it helps you avoid associating with people that you see as less desirable & inconvenient to you. 👀
oh my god lmfao shit like this is why you’ve never “danced” dude
I want to date people who are roughly my skill level at sex and relationships. Don't want to be your first, don't want to be a little baby in comparison if you're the CEO of a twenty person polycule.
My partner and I had a drunken conversation about this maybe a year into dating and we each gave our ballpark numbers and were like "huh, yeah that makes sense" and then that was the end of the conversation forever
deleted by creator
In my heart it does make me a little :sadness: to think about them having a history with people other than me but on any sort of rational / accepting this person level it's like :shrug-outta-hecks: I was bangin other people too back then
I MEAN UM :volcel-judge:
deleted by creator
idk me and my bf find it hilarious to talk about our exes
my favorite thing is when im friends with an ex and i meet their new squeeze and i'm like 'BRO SHE TOTALLY JUST DROOLS ALL OVER YOU TOO RIGHT?!?!' high five
deleted by creator
we usually just call each other sluts and laugh
:to-the-moon: This is the way.
On the one hand I agree, but on the other I think when you want to know everything about someone that even those kinds of uncomfortable topics can come up, and then in another hand was my like 11th drink of the night so it just kind of came out lol.
It matters literally zero in the end tho
Its interesting to hear about other people's dating lives. But I'd honestly be worried about someone (particularly my age) that's inexperienced.
How so?
To the first bit? Because I only get to live one life and I'm always curious at how other people have lived theirs.
To the second? Because it implies a certain degree of inexperience and naivete in a relationship that I already went through in high school / college and I'm not eager to repeat. If dating is like dancing, its nice to be with someone who knows a few moves. Or, at least, someone who isn't going to step all over your feet.
highschool/college relationships suck because the ppl who have the said sucky relationships were emotionally inexperienced in general and/or highschool students (who are usually overly neurotic weirdos due to being kids)
id imagine any adult, by virtue of simply living on this earth and interacting with people irl or in cyberspace for a significant number of years, would be equipped with the emotional tools to navigate such matters as well right? Are you a recent college graduate yourself?
there was also a study on this but i seriously forgot so cant link it
how many people do you know irl who agree with this view?
That has not been my experience.
Hard to say. Its not a conversation I have regularly. But I know a few women who are still in the dating scene into their 30s/40s, and they generally tend to shy away from "inexperienced" guys - particularly virgins - because men can get incredibly clinging if they've never gone through a break-up before.
There's also just that question of the next step in a relationship. Being exclusive, moving in together, and getting married all carry different weight if you've never done them before.
plz elaborate sir, quantitatively if possible (ie. how many people like X as opposed to Y)
only if th participants want to tho right? Marriage is a big decision universally and it can end pretty badly. Im sure that what you say applies to long term relationships but in the short term shouldnt things be better? Furthermore living with other people is an experience that is shared by many, wouldnt imagine it to be too jarring if its with a romantic partner for the first time.
by dating do they mean fwb/casual sex or do they mean medium-long term commitment?
I don't have any spreadsheets for you. I just know plenty of older people who lack maturity. This is, incidentally, totally independent of how much they fuck. But I do also notice that people who are coming out of committed relationships (particularly divorces) tend to fall back into them much faster than people who were late bloomers. Of course we're talking about sample sizes in the dozens, tops, so YMMV.
People with more experience tend to have more well-defined opinions and are more open about sharing those opinions. The question of marriage is highly charged between inexperienced daters, but it can come up on the first date for divorces. And its sort of a pivotal question, particularly later in life. You don't want to get into a five year relationship with someone you hope to marry, when that person is too traumatized from their divorce to ever do that again. Incidentally, my father-in-law runs into this problem both coming and going and gripes about it regularly.
I'd say the biggest difference between rooming platonically and romantically is that romantic couples value privacy in a way platonic households do not. I lived with roommates for the better part of a decade and dated outside the house. But it took about six months of introducing a live-in girlfriend before she insisted we needed our own place. And I honestly couldn't blame her.
This is the sort of question that more experienced couples bring up a lot sooner in a relationship.
:wut:
deleted by creator
Removed by mod
Sure. But also relationships are a two-way street. I'm not dating for charity, here. I'm looking for someone who I can be with long term. And inexperienced people tend toward the selfish, the shortsighted, and the mercurial. That's fine for a youthful fling, but not great when you're looking to build a real long-term relationship.
Everyone grows at their own pace. I'm not suggesting inexperienced people are undateable or unfuckable or whatever. I'm not even ruling out dating the proverbial 40-year-old virgin. But there's a very different attitude towards dating, sex, living together, and marriage that comes from someone who has never done any of these before relative to someone who has done most or all of these things. Going back to the Key/Lock metaphor, I'd honestly consider someone in their 30s/40s with lots of experience who is looking for a partner with zero dating experience kind of predatory.
I think you're approaching this from the perspective of a caste system, wherein one is born a low class virgin and achieves some kind of royal apotheosis as an elderly fuckboi.
To go back to dancing, I'd simply consider someone who could dance well more attractive than someone who couldn't. If that's unfair to everyone that's never danced before... shrug I don't know what to tell you.
Removed by mod
Again, a relationship isn't a charitable endeavor. Its an emotional bond. Expecting people to form attachments out of some perceived sense of public equity isn't a thing that works in any practical sense. This is the chud-logic "government assigned girlfriend" tier of thinking.
"Better" is doing a lot of heavy lifting, here. Some people are going to be more charismatic than other people thanks to a whole host of material conditions. That said, you can try to address the underlying conditions. But there's nothing you can do to just jam people together in the bureaucratic pursuit of minimizing the loneliness index.
You're going to struggle with that one, as that's a Dunbar's Number problem more than a Capitalist Accumulation problem. In some sense, its the opposite problem, as capitalist accumulation is limitless and accelerating. Social accumulation is highly constrained with every new unit coming at increased expense.
I don't consider people building relationships out of a sense of mutual attraction unfair. I consider it stocastically determined. There's a lot we can do to improve the general quality of life of people, but there is no individualistic panacea for loneliness. Certainly, trying to finger-wag at a random person online and shame them into... what even is the ask here? Pinkie promise to swipe right more often on Tinder? Hook up with more single senior citizens? Do you even have a remedy you're advocating, here?
Whatever. Nagging randos on the internet is always a winning strategy for whatever social reform you're plugging. Good luck at work. I'm sure your coworkers will be fascinated to hear more of your dating views.
you were amazingly patient with whatever the fuck I just read
What too much theory and not enough touching grass will do to a mf.
love to be dehumanized into a misogynistic entitlement. “women = surplus labor value” is such a :galaxy-brain: take though
@zifnab25 i think u are correct
in the context of people having different numbers of sexual partners, this sounds like you’re talking about a “state-mandated gf” scenario…
:visible-disgust:
oh my god lmfao shit like this is why you’ve never “danced” dude
I want to date people who are roughly my skill level at sex and relationships. Don't want to be your first, don't want to be a little baby in comparison if you're the CEO of a twenty person polycule.
fuck it that sounds fun