Throw away account lmao, I just get a huge amount of anxiety and dread every time the subject is even broached. Going to college is the end of it all, the true beginning of being tossed into the American world of exploitation and privatized idiocy. Am I just being childish? I need to do this, I kind of want to do this, but I need to make something of myself. I just keep running into a wall and going :cri:, freezing until I put it off in some way.
I'm slacking in my work, and my theory as well, senioritis is hitting hard, and it isn't even the end of the fucking year! I keep missing fucking assignments, and I know they are there, that I need to do them, I just put them off and read something else. I'm royally fucked. In the head.
Like, am I even going to be alive long enough for this devotion to college to be useful? Will I even learn anything worthwhile other than overall demeaning social experiences with american liberals who are already enough of a hassle to deal with on their own. I can't even interact right with the ML I know IRL!! I could be something! Or nothing! god just let me die! Or let me live! I don't even know where I'm at! I'm being dramatic.
I may not even want to go. Does that even matter? I'm more scared of being a worthless chump, with no special skills people may want, or no way to truly contribute. I want to be useful, but I'm so fucking scared! I feel like I'm ripping apart my own mind! I can't fucking sleep anymore! I can't even work on assignments correctly!
AND I ACCIDENTALLY SUBMITTED MY HALF FINISHED APPLICATION :kitty-cri-screm:
Im so fucked
You don't have to go right away. Figure out what you want to do first. Take a little time. It'll still be there.
Travel abroad if you can get the money together, or go help people with the peace corps or something like that.
My parents are urging me to go, its more of that "college will immediately get you somewhere" ideology.
Maybe travel, I could try to improve my language knowledge, but being in a place that is infected with tourists and vacationers, especially american ones, it just ruins the thought of travel as a whole.
For what it's worth, I took a year off after high school to go back packing in South America and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I met amazing people (very few typical tourists/American vacationers), had once-in-a-lifetime experiences, got into plenty of trouble and somehow managed to get back home in one piece.
It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, so maybe you need to take a step back and live life a bit. I did go to college when I returned and am now gainfully employed, so tell that to your parents if they freak out lol.
LonelyPlanet has great "travel to _________ on a shoestring" guide books if money is tight.
Anyway, I'm just a random stranger on the internet, so what do I know. You do you! I'm sure you'll figure it out, comrade :fidel-salute:
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